QUIZZICAL QUOTATIONS

This week's quotations are a medical medley. Answers, as usual, next issue or from the usual address.

• Spasm! Spasm! Oh, God, here it comes... lactose intolerence!
• - Doctor, can you give the Court your impression of Mr. Striker?
  - I'm sorry. I don't do impressions. My training is in psychiatry.
• I heard that you were feeling ill, headache, fever, and a chill. I came to help restore your pluck, 'cause I'm a nurse who likes to...
• - I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps!
  - He was drafted.
• TB or nor TB, that is the congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough, of cough. But it takes a lung, lung time.

Last issue's quotations were all from films in which David Duchovny appeared; they were:

• Maybe we should call in a bomb threat to Houston. I think it's free beer night at the Astrodome.
  -- The X Files (Line spoken by Duchovny, as "Mulder")
• When you first meet people all you notice are the differences between you and them, but as time passes you start noticing the similarities. I guess that's how all friendships begin.
  -- Kalifornia (Line spoken by Duchovny, as "Brian Kessler")
• I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?
  -- Working Girl (Line spoken by Melanie Griffith as "Cyn"; Duchovny played "Cyn's Engagement Party Guest")
• If you want to understand me, watch my movies.
  -- Chaplin (Line spoken by Robert Downey Jr as "Charlie Chaplin"; Duchovny played "Rollie Totheroh" )
• Hell does not always look like hell. On a good day it can look a lot like L.A.
  -- Playing God (Line spoken by Duchovny, as "Eugene Sands")

Howard Potter, a 52-year-old accountant from Cardiff, Wales, overdid his New Year's celebrations. So much so, that he has taken an advert out in a local newspaper to apologise to a dance group, several landlords, a man at a chip shop and various other people for having "castigated, insulted, embarrassed or bored" them. He also said that he only learned of his behaviour from those people who were still talking to him.

A Qantas Boeing 767 was less than a minute from touching down at Auckland Airport, New Zealand this week when the pilot spotted car headlights moving towards him on the runway, and aborted the landing, successfully bringing the plane down safely once the car had been removed from danger. It was being driven by a Japanese tourist who had strayed onto the runway after becoming lost.

Quite apart from the risk of tourists on the runway, triskaidekaphobics might want to stay clear of Auckland after the City Council decided that the common practice of skipping the number 13 in street addresses could be confusing for emergency services, according to the New Zealand Herald.

Updating last issue's item about a Spanish driver who escaped injury when a large lump of ice hit his car, it is now believed that this, and at least nine other similar incidents are the result of cometary debris, not aircraft waste systems.

It wouldn't be a TFIr without a dumb criminal story - this week's is the German who tried to extort $14m from Nestle foods last year, demanding that the ransom be put into pouches slung around the necks of homing pigeons. Police substituted radio transmitters for money and tracked the pigeons to the home of Alexander Nemeth.

IRREGULAR WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

This week's site might come in handy for some of the dumb criminals whose tales we've brought you - it's a form for conducting a Citizen's Self-Arrest. Just print it out, fill in your crime details and frogmarch yourself down to the Nick...

http://www.ou.edu/oupd/selfarr2.htm

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

13, 15, 23, 26, 38, 49

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