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Volume 4, Number 2
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25 May 2001
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Edited by and copyright ©2001 Simon Lamont
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THE IRREGULAR ARCHIVE PROJECT
Here at Lamont Towers we are in the process of scanning all the print issues of The Lamont Times, The Lamont Times: The Next Publication and The Irregular for inclusion on a CD-ROM of the complete archive (together with various other files), and you might be able to help! Although archaeological excavation work in the junk room(s) is ongoing, we are still missing a few issues. If you have any of the following and would be able to lend them to us, we would be very grateful:
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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 25 May - Star Wars goes on general release in the US. 1977 Saturday 26 May - US patent filed for the H-bomb, 1946 Sunday 27 May - San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge dedicated, 1937 Monday 28 May - Ian Fleming, author, creator of James Bond and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, born, 1908 Tuesday 29 May - Start of the evacuation of British forces from Dunkirk, 1940 Wednesday 30 May - Mel Blanc, voice actor, born, 1908 Thursday 31 May - Joan of Arc burnt at the stake, 1433
THE WISDOM OF...
This week's guest speaker: Bruce Willis, on the difference between the sexes
On the one hand we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand we can open all our own jars.
FILM QUIZ
After last week's devilish quotations we're going upstairs for some heavenly lines. Answers next week or from the usual address.
Last week's watery films were:
- I saw him one day. I was fifteen years old, and I saw him as plain as I see you now: cutaway, top hat, cane. Very elegant, very handsome. It was love at first sight.
-- The Ninth Gate- Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
-- Batman- And I'm the Devil! Now kindly undo these straps!
-- The Exorcist- I'll be a lap dog of Satan.
-- From Dusk Till Dawn- At my signal, unleash hell.
--Gladiator
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
This week's crazy bank robber: Mark Yip, who snatched cash from the customers of his local branch, got a cashier to fill a money bag with the cash from her till, then went to the other cashier and asked her to deposit all the swag in his own account. When he returned home he found the police waiting to arrest him.
It's not for the cold, honest... Tasmania's fairy penguins are being inundated with specially-knitted woolly jerseys from as far away as Japan and New York after a local appeal reached international ears. The 15" high jerseys - in all colours and designs, including a black-and-white tuxedo pattern - are to prevent the birds from preening themselves and ingesting oil after a spill.
An unnamed woman walked into a Chicago police station last Friday and handed in a pair of testicles she said she had bitten off a man who had attacked her at a nearby location. The man - also unnamed - found his way to a local hospital where reattachment surgery proved unsuccessful, before he was questioned by police.
Now this reminds us of that earwig story... a dead worm was removed from the brain of an Arizona woman in April. It had got into her body from pork she'd eaten on holiday, and its carcass was causing seizures. During the six-hour operation the woman was only mildly sedated so that she could help guide the surgeons around her brain.
More dumb laws: In Denver, Colorado, it's illegal to mistreat rats, or to lend your vacuum cleaner to your neighbour; it's illegal to let your horse eat a fire hydrant in Marshalltown, Iowa; in Nova Scotia you may not water your lawn when it's raining, and it's forbidden to slurp your soup in New Jersey.
IRREGULAR WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
Bad drivers - we've all seen them, but most of us haven't put up a web page to rant about it. This guy has...
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
11, 19, 23, 30, 36, 42
THE LAVATORY OF OTRANTO
Chapter 7- The Long Drop
Edmund looked out of the shuttle window and sighed.
"How close are we, Ed?" Lucy asked from the passenger area, where she was playing telepathic holochess with Mervin.
"About half-way."
"But it feels like we've been in here a week already!"
"Don't ask me," Mervin droned, as his holographic king took out a revolver and shot himself in the head. "You win again."
Lucy looked at the robot in disbelief. "We haven't started yet."
"I know. Depressing isn't it."
The shuttle plunged on through the atmosphere. From the cockpit the Captain shouted, "Nearly there now! Mervin, how about some coffee?" The robot stomped off to the galley.
...to be continued
AND FINALLY...
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said, then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"
...end of line