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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

THE IRREGULAR ARCHIVE PROJECT

Here at Lamont Towers we are in the process of scanning all the print issues of The Lamont Times, The Lamont Times: The Next Publication and The Irregular for inclusion on a CD-ROM of the complete archive (together with various other files), and you might be able to help! Although archaeological excavation work in the junk room(s) is ongoing, we are still missing a few issues. If you have any of the following and would be able to lend them to us, we would be very grateful:

• The Lamont Times: #5
• Lamont's Irregular (AKA The Irregular): #12

For the latest news on the project, including the raytraced interface and updates to the wanted list, check the progress page at

http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/index.htm

 

TFIr ONLINE

You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm - part of the Irregular site at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the recently-revised FAQ and the UndeadCam:.

FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm
Cam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead

 

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

We're back....

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 17 August		-		Construction of the Berlin Wall started, 1961
Saturday 18 August		-		Genghis Khan, Mongol emperor 1175-1227, died, 1227
Sunday 19 August		-		U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers convicted of spying by the USSR, 1960
Monday 20 August		-		Voyager I space probe launched, 1977
Tuesday 21 August		-		George Adamson, conservationist, murdered, Kenya, 1989
Wednesday 22 August		-		Ray Bradbury, sci-fi writer, born, 1920
Thursday 23 August		-		Rudolph Valentino, silent-film star, died, NYC, 1926

In all of the medical procedures he must have had to endure in his last days among us -- no matter how many scanners or tests they subjected him to, it's a certainty that they never found one mean bone in the man's body.

FILM QUIZ

Cheers! Here's a cocktail of drink-related quotations. Answers next issue or from the usual address.

• This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption. Let us give praise to our maker and glory to his bounty by learning about... BEER!
• I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan.
• - We were led by a star.
  - Led by a bottle, you mean.
• Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?
• I never told you, but you sound a little like Dr. Seuss when you're drunk.
  

Last issue's monkey movies were:

• I get it! "The clown can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to leave!" I get it!
  -- Star Trek: Generations
• Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
• -- Planet of the Apes (1968)
• And the monkey flips the switch.
  -- Lost in Space
• There is a girl out there who might be running for her life from some gigantic turned-on ape.
  -- King Kong (1976)
• You like this ring? You want to keep the hand this ring is on? If I see or hear or smell you anywhere near my gorillas, you'll be writing with your other hand and I'll have a new ashtray.
  -- Gorillas in the Mist

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

One of the effects of the record low value of the real, Brazil's national currency, combined with an energy crisis has consumer watchdogs up in arms. Leading toilet paper brands have cut the length of their rolls by 25% (to 33 yards) but not reduced the shelf price. "They want to increase prices without the consumer noticing. It's a type of trickery," Vera Marta Junqueira, director of surveys at the consumer protection agency who blew the whistle, said.

The FBI has so far been unable to identify "Juan" and "Rosa", the couple who hired a light aircraft from a company that specialises in "Mile High Club" tours for people who want to have sex in the sky but died when the Piper Cherokee crashed into the sea 40 miles south of Key West, Florida, after they attempted to hijack it at knife-point to fly to Cuba, Thursday last week. Company owner/pilot Thomas Hayashi managed to escape the sinking plane and was rescued by the US Coast Guard. The fact that many of Hayashi's customers book flights using pseudonyms is not aiding the investigation.

This is not a wind-up... Back in April a US$26,000 atomic clock in Ottowa, Canada, which bore a plaque commemorating "Canada's rich history of leadership in timekeeping" was found to be losing an hour every Sunday. The blame was laid on faulty software.

It might have passed about 90% of the world's population by, but Monday was Left-Handers' Day 2001. London-based organiser Lauren Milsom planned to draw attention to the creative might of left-handers Leonardo da Vinci, Jimi Hendrix, Pablo Picasso and Paul McCartney as well as reigning Wimbledon tennis champion Goran Ivanisevic and Cuban leader Fidel Castro. Milsom's plans also included increased awareness about the dangers faced by left-handers when using right-handed power tools in the home, and a piano recital by a left-hander concert pianist with a left-handed piano.

Ireland's most famous wishing stone - the Blarney stone, requires wishers to bend backwards off a wall to kiss it, but other wishing stones around the country have different terms of use - the Motto Stone in Avoca, County Wicklow merely requires that you walk around it three times without thinking about a goat.

 

IRREGULAR WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Ask us what our search engine of choice is and the staff here unanimously reply "Google" so we were intrigued to discover the Google Zeitgeist page, which summarises usage and favourite search terms. Rising stars: "code red virus" and "Mariah Carey" (though presumably not together), fading stars: "Big Brother" and "Anna Kournikova."

http://www.google.com - the search engine
http://www.google.com/press/zeitgeist.html - just the facts, Ma'am.

 

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

2, 17, 22, 37, 43, 44

 

THE LAVATORY OF OTRANTO

Chapter 11 - The Wall

Once they had locked The Writer back into his study the Lion, Super Squirrel and Lucy crept downstairs to see how Peter, Susan and Edmund had done in their search for the Phantom, but the library was empty when they got there.

"I wonder where they are," Lucy said, "I do hope the Phantom hasn't got them."

"Don't worry," said the Lion, "We did say we'd meet up after half-an-hour and it's only been twenty-five minutes."

"Hey," Super Squirrel called out from across the room, "The Writer has some very strange books in here!" The others went over to see what she was looking at - titles like '101 Things To Do With a Dead Classification Scheme', 'The Jencyclopaedia', 'Learn to Use Teach-Yourself Books in 24 Hours For Dummies' and 'Henry Parker and Strange Case of the Gun-Toting Prawn'. Super Squirrel seemed particularly interested in the last title, but Lucy and the Lion were looking anxiously at their watches.

Peter, Susan and Edmund had followed the Phantom and Mini-P through the kitchens and out to the stable block behind the house where the evil pair had climbed into a large green car and sped off. The children were about to return to the library when they noticed something lying on the ground where the car had been. Peter picked it up. "Look," he said, handing the slim, green flat metallic object to Susan, "This must be the Phantom's PDA - his handheld computer where he keeps his evil plans! Look, even the stylus that he writes on it with is shaped like a little cucumber." Taking the device back, Peter turned it on and pressed a few controls. "To Do List: Buy milk. Water vegetables. Take Over World, he read out. "Maybe there are more details elsewhere."

"Never mind that now," Susan urged, "He might notice it's missing and come back for it. Let's go find the others and get out of here."

The Lion was very interested in the Phantom's PDA, although he also expressed annoyance that it was a better model than his own until Lucy pointed out that as long as the Phantom did not know about it, the Lion could add it to his somewhat eclectic collection of obscure computers.

Leaving the house the group decided to head back to the landing pad to see if the shuttle was still there. It was not, so they set off through the woods that surrounded the estate, figuring that it was the last place the Phantom would think they had gone - indeed, if he returned he would most likely search the house first, which would give them plenty of time to get a head start. They were, therefore, somewhat disappointed when just a few hundred yards in, with less and less light breaching the canopy of branches above them, Super Squirrel, who was heroically leading the way, stopped dead in her tracks. "Owwww!" she squeaked, "I've squished my nose on something."

"It's a wall!" Edmund said, "Painted to blend in with the trees."

"I wonder how far it stretches," Susan said, tracing her hand along the stone facade.

"It seems to be curved," Peter had followed it some way in the other direction. "Lu, you're good at maths. If this is circular how big do you think it is?"

Lucy sat down at the foot of a tree. "Given the apparent arc length, and estimating the angle, I reckon it probably goes all round the Writer's estate. But why would there be a concealed wall surrounding the whole place? And there must be a way out - you saw the Phantom drive off!"

"We only saw him drive out of sight behind the stable block," Peter said. "But there must be entrances around. Look, if we follow the wall we must come to one eventually - assuming it does encircle the entire estate, which we don't know for sure."

"We'd better leave something to mark this spot, just in case," Susan suggested, and so - leaving one of the Phantom's plot revision leaflets rolled up and sticking out of a hole in the wall, they set off.

The wall was mostly smooth to the touch. In some places trees grew right up against it, but the wall always carried on, solid, impermeable. At one particularly gnarled tree Edmund tried to climb up to see over the top, but the wall was higher than he could climb.

After a couple of hours walk - and some refreshing ginger beer that Peter had stolen from the kitchen - everyone was at the point of giving up and returning to the house to ask the Writer about the wall. Susan was the first to broach the idea. "Look," she reasoned, "If the Phantom had a way out, he's long gone, and if he didn't, well he'd probably run into us eventually anyway."

"You're right, Sue," Peter shrugged, and leaned back against the stonework looking at the others for their agreement. He was somewhat surprised when the wall behind him slid back to reveal a dark, narrow tunnel entrance.

"It's a shame we don't have a torch," Lucy said, peering into the blackness.

"Looks like it's our only option though," Peter said, "If we all stay close together we'll be OK."

Super Squirrel stepped forward, heroically. "I'll lead the way," she said, and stepped cautiously into the tunnel. A few seconds later the others heard a heroically pitiful squeak.

"What is it?" Peter shouted.

"I tripped over my cape again," came the reply, as she stepped cautiously back into the open rubbing her nose.

"Come on," Peter said, "Let's go."

One by one they stepped into the all-enveloping gloom.

...to be continued.

AND FINALLY...

Two shepherds leaned on their crooks at the end of a long day. The first asked the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is mad at me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."