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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

THE IRREGULAR ARCHIVE PROJECT

Here at Lamont Towers we are in the process of scanning all the print issues of The Lamont Times, The Lamont Times: The Next Publication and The Irregular for inclusion on a CD-ROM of the complete archive (together with various other files), and you might be able to help! Although archaeological excavation work in the junk room(s) is ongoing, we are still missing a few issues. If you have any of the following and would be able to lend them to us, we would be very grateful:

• The Lamont Times: #5
• Lamont's Irregular (AKA The Irregular): #12

For the latest news on the project, including the raytraced interface and updates to the wanted list, check the progress page at

http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/index.htm

 

TFIr ONLINE

You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm - part of the Irregular site at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the recently-revised FAQ and the UndeadCam:.

FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm
Cam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead

 

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 31 August		-		Mary Ann Nichols became the first victim of Jack the Ripper, London, 1888
Saturday 1 September		-		Peace treaty signed between Britain and the Zulu chiefs, 1879
Sunday 2 September		-		The Mayflower set sail from Plymouth, 1620
Monday 3 September		-		England declared war on Germany, 1939
Tuesday 4 September		-		First roll-film camera patented and "Kodak" trademark registered, both by George Eastman, 1888
Wednesday 5 September		-		Bob Newhart, comedian, born, 1929
Thursday 6 September		-		Star Trek premiered in the US, 1966

...My audience consisted of 13-year-old girls and their moms and 40-year-old guys who were interested in seeing me in my underwear. (New York Daily Times)

FILM QUIZ

This issue's quotations have a musical theme. Answers next issue or from the usual address.

• What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
• First you trade the Cadillac for a microphone. Then you lie to me about the band. Now you're gonna put me right back in the joint!
• You know, someone like you needs to diminish their criminal impulses, not magnify them. Maybe some jazz or some classical.
• My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.
• Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head; the orchestra keeps changing the tempo.
  

Last issue's Joe Pesci movies were:

• As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.
  -- Goodfellas
• When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? And, for a while, I believed that's the kind of love I had.
• -- Casino
• This is my house, I have to defend it.
  -- Home Alone
• "Treason doth never prosper," wrote an English poet, "What's the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it treason."
  -- JFK
• Nothing comes between a pregnant lady and a meal!
  -- Lethal Weapon 4

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

People using a small park in Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada have been terrorised by a pair of young owls who have been swooping down on them after dark, tugging ponytails and stealing hats. City officials issued warnings not to enter the park after dusk but they went largely unheeded by people who wanted to see the birds. "Their behavior is a little odd right now," a park forester told the National Post newspaper, "We think they will grow out of it." So far there have been no serious injuries, just a few bruises and scratches.

More flying shocks in Vienna, where a woman opened the door to her pantry for a late-night snack and over 100 bats flew out at her. The bats, which are protected by law, had been trapped in the building's courtyard by a pigeon net and got into her pantry through an open window were eventually removed by four experts from the Association of Bat Science.

Continuing the animal theme, a polar bear was reported to have broken into a camp on Spitzbergen last week, trampled through a number of tents, swallowed a quantity of vitamin pills and bitten a tube of toothpaste in half to suck out its contents, but left food - including dried meat hanging in one tent - untouched. Arne Kristoffersen, whose tour company owned the camp, joked "Maybe felt he had bad breath after eating seals all summer," before adding that the two-year-old bear was probably just curious. "When bears can eat seals they avoid other foods. [...] But they like trying new things."

Three contestants in a new BBC TV endurance programme called "Are You Tough Enough" proved that they were not up to the show's title after becoming lost while climbing Ben Lomond, Scotland, in near perfect conditions. One man hitched a lift, a woman was helped down by rescuers and another woman eventually found her own way down. Search and Rescue secretary Stuart Ballantyne commented "They really should have been able to manage this - it was only up the ben and then down again."

A prisoner working chain-gang duties in Morro Bay, California, was taken on a roller-coaster ride after a truck hooked up and drove away the portaloo he was using. It was only when businessman Rick Grantham spotted the portaloo tilting sharply as the truck pulled it, and a man opening the door and shouting "Hey, Help!" to try and get attention, that the police were notified.

 

IRREGULAR WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Want to achieve the peace and tranquility of growing bonsai trees but just don't have the time?

http://www.bonsaipotato.com/

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

1, 8, 21, 22, 34, 40

 

THE LAVATORY OF OTRANTO

Will be continued in a later issue.

AND FINALLY...

A young man was walking through a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring has made you uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who recently died."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything that I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother?' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As she was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

When he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.