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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

THE IRREGULAR ARCHIVE PROJECT

Here at Lamont Towers we are in the process of scanning all the print issues of The Lamont Times, The Lamont Times: The Next Publication and The Irregular for inclusion on a CD-ROM of the complete archive (together with various other files), and you might be able to help! Although archaeological excavation work in the junk room(s) is ongoing, we are still missing a few issues. If you have any of the following and would be able to lend them to us, we would be very grateful:

• The Lamont Times: #5
• Lamont's Irregular (AKA The Irregular): #12

For the latest news on the project, including the raytraced interface and updates to the wanted list, check the progress page at

http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/index.htm

 

TFIr ONLINE

You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm - part of the Irregular site at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the recently-revised FAQ and the UndeadCam:.

FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm
Cam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead

 

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 12 October		-		Robert E. Lee, confederate C-in-C, died, Lexington, VA, 1870
Saturday 13 October		-		Margaret Thatcher, former British PM, born, 1925
Sunday 14 October		-		Battle of Hastings, 1066
Monday 15 October		-		Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher, born, Roken, Germany, 1844
Tuesday 16 October		-		Alan Garner, author, born, 1934
Wednesday 17 October		-		Columbus sighted San Salvador, 1492
Thursday 18 October		-		Charles Babbage died, 1871

I didn't have 3,000 pairs of shoes, I had 1,060. (Heat)

FILM QUIZ

Mixed bag of quotations this week. Answers next issue or from the usual address.

• I'm a New York City girl. It's a little too quiet around here for me.
• That wasn't flying, that was falling with style!
• If bachelorette number one isn't out here in half a tick I'm gonna ice bachelorette number two, got it?
• You keep ragging on these people; let me tell you something. The rich and the famous they go on television every single day. They reveal the most intimate, lurid details of their private lives, they tell us who they sleep with, what kind of drugs they're on and you know what? We can't get enough of it. We just love that stuff. Now these people come on, they're not rich, they're not powerful, they're not famous, they're talking about the exact same issues. They don't speak the king's English, they don't belong to your fine fancy neighborhoods and country clubs but you know what? They hurt just as much, and what are they now? Suddenly the scum of the earth because they don't have all of your money and all your power and all your elitism? How dare they go on television! Well I got a programme note for you, buddy. This is a slice of American life and if you don't like it, bite something else.
• It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

Last issue's quotations from Winona Ryder films were:

• This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.
  -- Heathers
• - Right, you're the "new model" droid. You can access the mainframe by remote.
  - No, I can't. I burned my modem. We all did.
  -- Alien: Resurrection
• Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
  -- Being John Malkovich
• You know, taking us out for ice cream in the middle of a blizzard makes you wonder who the real wack jobs are.
  -- Girl, Interrupted
• Forget about holding her hand, man. Think about the damage he could do other places.
  -- Edward Scissorhands

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

WHAT'S IN A NAME? Norfolk resident and Manchester United fan John Glover-Manguzi's first-born son was called Trafford Matt Busby, but now the Glover-Manguzi's have gone several names further and named their second son after manager Sir Alex Ferguson and nineteen players - the sprog's full name is Alex Ferguson Barthez Silvestre Neville Johnsen Irwin Stam Brown May Beckham Keane Scholes Butt Veron Giggs Chadwick Cole Yorke Nistelrooy Solskjaar. Mandy Glover-Manguzi, the children's mother told the Eastern Daily Press, "People will probably say we're mad."

DANGER! MAN WITH BEARD! Earlier this week police in the western Indian state of Rajastan ordered a man off a vehicle and arrested him, believing him to be Osama bin Laden. The bearded beturbaned man was later released after he was found to be the son of an employee of an American company, but not before a crowd had gathered around the police station to catch a glimpse of the terrorist look-a-like.

CLEANING UP TERRORISM.. In the past we've mentioned John Wayne toilet paper ("It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take crap from anyone"), but now Michigan company American Wins has started selling Osama bin Laden toilet paper, each sheet having a cartoon of the Islamic militant. Aaron Todd, a marketing specialist with the company explains on their website that "We're letting the American people get their crack at Osama. [..] We want to give [them] something tangible, and some relief through humor." 20% of the profits from the $4.95 rolls is being donated to families of the WTC victims.

WHEN POLITICS GETS CLOSE TO THE BONE. Switzerland has a new political party - the Dog Party, founded by 116 members to represent dogs. Among their policies are the banning of leashes for all but dangerous canines and to stop the breeding of dogs for meat. Andreas von Albertini, founder of the party, which will campaign in next spring's Zurich council, told reporters that anyone was welcome to join as "It's irrelevant to our dogs whether the Dog Party is left- or right-wing."

TURBO TOT. Authorities in the Italian town of Cittanova admitted Wednesday that they had made an error when they sent a speeding ticket to two-year-old, alleging that he had been driving at 60mph. The parents of the tot, whose driving experience is limited to a toy tractor, have been told that despite the mix-up they will still have to pay the fine (equivalent to around US$300) and claim compensation later.

 

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

You've probably seen the hoax photo of a tourist standing on top of the World Trade Center with a plane behind him. That guy really gets around as this collection of other fake photos shows. Our favourites? The Ghostbusters one on the first page and the Easter Island statue on page 4..

http://www.sillygirl.com/hoax.html

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

12, 15, 21, 22, 36, 45

THE LAVATORY OF OTRANTO

Will be continued in a later issue.

AND FINALLY...

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.