To subscribe or unsubscribe, or to discuss how to contribute articles or ideas, mail TFIr@gizmo1.demon.co.uk.

Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

WORKS IN PROGRESS

The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):

Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: status page last updated 18 Nov 2001

Text adventures:

The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Nov 2002
All at Sea: - planned release: Jul 2002

TFIr ONLINE

You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm

Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file and the UndeadCam:.

FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 15 November 2001)
UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead (last updated 15 November 2001)

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 23 November		-		Boris Karloff, actor, born, London, 1887
Saturday 24 November		-		Joseph Glidden granted patent for barbed wire, 1874
Sunday 25 November		-		Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropist, born, Dunfermline, Scotland, 1835
Monday 26 November		-		Charles Schultz, Peanuts cartoonist, born, Minneapolis, MN, 1922
Tuesday 27 November		-		Ernie Wise, comedian, born, 1925
Wednesday 28 November		-		William Blake, poet, engraver and artist, born, London, 1757
Thursday 29 November		-		C.S. Lewis, author of "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," born, Belfast, 1898

I'm going to have to get used to children saying "Hello, Hagrid." I'll be saying "Excuse me, I'm on my fourth Martini, leave me alone."

FILM QUIZ

Life is like a film quotation you can't quite place; you may think it's from Star Wars but it usually turns out to be from Judge Dredd... anyway, answers next issue or from the usual address.

• Life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and things and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it's not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off! But if that doesn't work, you can't give up! You gotta stand right up! You gotta run to a window and say, "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more!"
• (sung) Life's like a movie / Write your own ending.
• Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, never know what you're gonna get.
• Life is like a movie. Only you can't pick your genre.
• "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

Last issue's English quotations were:

• I'm a superhero, Mother, an effete British superhero to be precise.
  -- Mystery Men
• Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself," and the London Underground is not a political movement!
  -- A Fish Called Wanda
• "Stop"? You can't just arouse a woman and then yell "stop", even if you are English...
  -- Splitting Heirs
• Afraid this tea is pathetic. I must have used those wretched leaves about twenty times. It's not that I mind so much. Tea without milk is so uncivilised.
  -- The Great Escape
• - A man with an umbrella is expecting rain.
  - A man without one is a fool.
  -- The Avengers

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

TAKE-AWAY TAKE-AWAY... A Chinese food delivery man was set upon by a group of men who bashed him over the head with a bag of prawn crackers before running off with the food. Police noticed a trail of sauce that had leaked from one of the containers and followed it to a flat, where they arrested three men and a woman. The driver was not seriously hurt.

MOTORING MADNESS... A couple of 21-year-olds from Halle, Germans got too passionate in their parked car, accidentally knocked the handbrake off and found themselves in a lake. They escaped with minor injuries and somewhat dampened ardours, while the car was recovered by the local fire brigade. Also reported this week was the capture of two thieves in Peru who lost a police pursuit car, pulled over to wait for their partner and fell asleep in their car. When they woke up to find themselves surrounded by police officers they tried to make a fresh getaway but the car failed to start. The stolen goods were found on the back seat. Finally, two New Zealanders who stole a cash till from a shop in Wellington crashed their stolen getaway car into another vehicle minutes after the robbery. One of the robbers ran off while the other was assaulted by the occupants of the second vehicle, one of whom noticed the cash register and grabbed it, but was forced to drop it when the original thief drove into him. Police arrested the thief and recovered the damaged till. The man who had run off is still being sought.

TO BOLDY BLOW... Star Trek actor William Shatner is denying that a noise on a new video is himself breaking wind. It can be heard during a segment on "Mind Melds: Secrets Behind The Voyage Of A Lifetime" during which he is talking to co-star Leonard Nimoy. Shatner suggested to chat show host Conan O'Brien that the cause could have been "The cameras moving by! A dog barked! Who knows? A bird sang a beautiful song in a tree! It could have been anything!" adding that it might have been Nimoy.

THROWING A WOBBLY... This summer the Austern Electric Circus of Exeter. England advertised for the vacant position of assistant to knife-thrower Jayde Hanson when his previous one walked out after nearly being hit in the foot, which would have been her third serious injury of the season. A former girlfriend had also left in 2000 after receiving three injuries from his act.

LACRIMONIOUS OBJECTIONS... The South Wales Evening Post reported in July that a Port Talbot optician had asked a street busker to stop playing sentimental accordion songs outside his shop because customers were becoming too tearful to have their eyes checked properly.

 

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

A short but funny flash animation on the dangers of alcohol over-consumption...

http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_warnings.swf

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

6, 14, 22, 29, 34, 42

THE LAVATORY OF OTRANTO

Will be continued in a later issue.

 

AND FINALLY...

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he thought this was his chance to show everyone he meant business! The CEO, walked up to the guy and asked "How much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $400 in cash and screamed "Here's two week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" The guy took the cash and walked out the door.

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looked around the room and asked "What was it that that slacker was supposed to be doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers muttered "Delivering Pizza".