Volume 5, Number 6
11 January 2002
Edited by and copyright ©2002 Simon Lamont
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WORKS IN PROGRESS
The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):
Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 5 Jan 2002
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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 11 January - First lottery in England drawn, 1569 Saturday 12 January - Jack London, novelist, born, San Francisco, 1876 Sunday 13 January - Michael Bond, creator of Paddington Bear, born, 1926 Monday 14 January - Lewis Carroll died, Guildford, England, 1898 Tuesday 15 January - Pentagon Building in Washington D.C. completed, 1948 Wednesday 16 January - John Carpenter, film director/writer/composer born, Bowling Green, KY, 1948 Thursday 17 January -
Thomas Crapper patented his improvements to the flush toilet, 1861
THE WISDOM OF...
This week's guest speaker - Robert Redford, telling TV Guide why he wouldn't have plastic surgery:
"I'm not a face-lift person. I just don't want to do it. ... for me the trade-off is that something of your soul in your face goes away. ... You end up looking body-snatched in the last analysis."
Mixed bag of lines this week; answers next issue or from the usual address.
Last issue's quotations were:
- When I introduce you, and I tell them who you are, I don't think anyone will stay for dinner.
-- Meet Joe Black
- I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!
-- The Elephant Man
- - I've never lost a fight!
- Except to a crippled old man just now.
-- The Mask of Zorro
- I never drink ... wine.
-- Bram Stoker's Dracula
- Plum Island Animal Disease Research Center. Sounds charming.
-- Silence of the Lambs
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
CAN THEY NIX IT? YES THEY CAN... Australia's Citizens Against Road Slaughter and Queensland Workplace Health and Safety groups have criticised BBC children's TV animated character Bob the Builder for ignoring road and building regulations by, amongst other things, driving without a seatbelt, destroying council property and allowing his secretary on site without a safety helmet.
LANDING HIMSELF IN TROUBLE... A 29-year-old base-jumper was arrested earlier this week after parachuting from a building on Los Angeles' Wilshire Boulevard and landing safely... on a police car, breaking one its headlights. He was charged with trespass.
THE SNOWMAN WITH NO NAME... 32-year-old Bob Bowling, of Willard, Kentucky, initially told state police that the gunshot wound to his right thigh was the result of an accidental discharge when he sat down while wearing his gun in its holster, but later admitted in hospital that he had shot himself while practicing quick-drawing on a snowman.
EURODUMMIES... An unnamed 45-year-old French woman and her son are under investigation by police in the south-western town of Marmande after she bought bread with a counterfeit 50-euro note, and tried to use another in a tobacconist. The 21-year-old son had scanned a genuine note into his computer and printed out copies onto regular paper, with none of the built-in security features. Because of their clean criminal records the pair will face charges of using false currency and holding false currency with the intention of using it, rather than the more serious charge of forgery. Since the introduction of the euro on January 1 forged notes (presumably of better quality) have also been found in Germany, Ireland and Finland.
DEUTSCHLAND DUNDEE... Two masked robbers who tried to hold up a grocery store in Korbach, central Germany last week reckoned without a 71-year-old shop assistant who was stacking tins of sauerkraut (a German delicacy consisting of chopped pickled cabbage). Seeing that one of them had knocked a female assistant to the floor with a pistol, he approached them, and when they threatened him too he threw one of the tins at the head of the armed robber, which startled them and made them run off without any money.
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
Anyone who has ever had cause to complain about a company's lack of service should enjoy this week's site. It's a letter sent to the "sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum" at NTL, Britain's largest cable company, by a disgruntled customer...
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
3, 15, 21, 28, 34, 42
THE LAVATORY OF OTRANTO
Will be continued in a later issue.
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said, "It's started."
...end of line