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Volume 5, Number 8
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25 January 2002
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TFIr #112
Edited by and copyright ©2002 Simon Lamont
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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/
WORKS IN PROGRESS
The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):
Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 23 Jan 2002
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/office/Text adventures:
All at Sea: - planned release: Jul 2002
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Nov 2002
TFIr ONLINE
You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm
Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV archive list (the latter is now only available as a zip file due to its size):
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 25 January - Virginia Woolf, novelist & critic, born, 1882 Saturday 26 January - General Gordon killed at Khartoum, 1885 Sunday 27 January - First public demonstration of television, by John Logie Baird in Selfridges, London, 1926 Monday 28 January - Henry VII born, Pembroke Castle, 1457; Henry VIII died, London, 1547 Tuesday 29 January - Edward Lear, poet and artist, died, San Remo, Italy, 1888 Wednesday 30 January - First jazz record cut in the US, 1917 Thursday 31 January - Phil Collins, musician and actor, born, 1951
THE WISDOM OF...
This week's guest speaker - Harrison Ford (59), before receiving a lifetime achievement award at this year's Golden Globes:
"You get a lifetime achievement award, then you end up dead [..] It's a Geezer of the Year award"
FILM QUIZ
This week's lines all come from films starring Michael J Fox, though not necessarily spoken by him; answers next issue or from the usual address.
Last issue's quotations were:
- - Another one of them new worlds. No beer, no women, no pool parlors, nothin'! Nothin' to do but throw rocks at tin cans, and we gotta bring our own tin cans.
-- Forbidden Planet- Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?
-- Airplane!- ...but if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists.
-- Jurassic Park- Socrates,"The only true wisdom consists of knowing you know nothing."
-- Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure- Now it's time for one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner, who mocks him and laughs at him as he is repeatedly crushed and maimed. I hope you enjoy it!
-- U.H.F.
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
THEY DON'T GET MUCH DUMBER THAN THIS... A 22-year-old Yale student bought a small bag of heroin on a street corner, and wanted to be sure that it was the real stuff, so he went to a police station and asked them to test the substance for him. It was indeed genuine, and he has been charged with possession of illegal drugs.
DEAD DRUNK... A police alert was sparked in Leeds this week after a report that youths were carrying a body wrapped in a blanket during the early hours. The Back Hares Mount area was sealed off and officers conducted careful enquiries, but it was later established that the "body" was actually a young man who had drunk too much and was being carried home by his friends.
GRAVE WARNING... Residents living near an Illinois cemetery have succeeded in their campaign to have a 25-year-old street sign outside the Rockton burial ground removed because they think it is bad taste. Erected to stop people trying to cut through the cemetery, the sign reads simply "Dead End."
WHALE FOUND IN EBAY... Bill Jamieson of Toronto is planning to open a new museum with many of the items from the old Niagara Falls Museum which closed in 1999, but one item he will not have room for is a 40-foot-long skeleton of a humpback whale which was found off the US eastern seaboard in 1844 and moved to the Niagara Falls Museum after the US Civil War, so he has put it up for auction on eBay.ca, the Canadian branch of the online auction firm. General manager of eBay Canada Lorna Bernstein commented that "It is certainly one of the more unusual (items) I have come across. The auction ends on 27 January, and can be viewed at http://cgi.ebay.ca/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1064849794.
GETTING TOUCHY ON THE TOUCHLINES... Research into crowd behaviour at children's sports matches in New Zealand has found that the most abusive spectators are not those watching rugby, basketball, hockey or soccer, but netball. Massey University physical education student Janine Bannister told the New Zealand Press Agency that she found "a depressingly high" 46.4% of the comments at netball games were negative.
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
With The Fellowship of the Ring still in cinemas this week we bring you another online character test; 25 questions to find out which LotR character you are most like (The Editor is apparently most like Sam Gamgee). You will need a javascript-enabled browser.
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
1, 3, 20, 22, 31, 39
THE LAVATORY OF OTRANTO
Will be continued in a later issue.
AND FINALLY...
Why it's great to be a man
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
- Same work... more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood, ALL the damn time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
- You can kill your own food.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
- You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me".
- You don't mooch off other's desserts.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
- You can do your nails with a pocket-knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
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