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Volume 5, Number 15
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15 March 2002
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TFIr #119
Edited by and copyright ©2002 Simon Lamont
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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/
WORKS IN PROGRESS
The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):
Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 9 Mar 2002
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/office/Text adventures:
All at Sea: - planned release: Jul 2002
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Nov 2002
TFIr ONLINE
You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm
Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV archive list (the latter is now only available as a zip file due to its size):
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 15 March - Hitler proclaimed the Third Reich, claiming it would last 1000 years, 1933. Saturday 16 March - Bernardo Bertolucci, director and screenwriter (1900, The Last Emperor, Stealing Beauty, et al), born, 1940 Sunday 17 March - Kate Greenaway, illustrator, born, London, 1846. Happy St. Patrick's Day! Monday 18 March - American Express founded, 1850. Tuesday 19 March - Patrick McGoohan, Number 6, born. 1928 Wednesday 20 March - Sir Isaac Newton died, London, 1727 Thursday 21 March - Johann Sebastian Bach born, Eisenbach, Germany, 1685. First day of Spring.
THE WISDOM OF...
This week's guest speaker - Marie Curie:
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."
FILM QUIZ
A selection of animal quotations this week; answers next issue or from the usual address.
- The dog?! You are named after the dog?!
- One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas, I don't know.
- You gotta have a boyfriend, don't you? Otherwise it's just you, a cat, and 40 candles on your birthday cake.
- Is that a rabbit in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
- - Why did the chicken cross the road?
- One does not know, sir, possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other of the road, if it's a male chicken. Possibly a food source, or depending on the season it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Last issue's films were:
- A naked American man stole my balloons.
-- An American Werewolf in London- - Have you been following that man?
- Yeah, I've been following him on my own time. And anybody can tell I didn't do that to him.
- How?
- Cause he looks too damn good, that's how!
-- Dirty Harry- Isn't this just a little high-tech? I thought vampires were more into cobwebs and coffins.
-- Blade- There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.
-- L.A. Story- This is a maximum security prison, and you have no weapons of any kind?
-- Alien3
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
WHEN IRISH EYES AREN'T SMILING... Anyone in Australia hoping to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by wearing a genuine Irish shamrock, or clover, could be out of luck. Strict quarantine regulations consider many varieties as noxious weeds, and soil brought into the country with them a potential foot-and-mouth risk. By last Wednesday postal inspections using sniffer dogs and X-ray machines had already detected over 60 four-leaf clovers which were destroyed and their intended recipients sent brochures explaining the reasons for the restrictions. Rob Angus, manager of Sydney's plant quarantine station told reporters "I've been with the service for 20 years and you see them every year. You understand why... but they should try and find something that expresses it in a different way."
THAT SINKING FEELING... London, famously built up over an extensive network of tunnels, pipes, sewers and lost rivers faces a problem - part of it is sinking. Analysis of European Space Agency satellite images has shown that a section of the city following the routes of the Jubilee Line extension to the Underground railway and an electricity tunnel - areas about 2.5 miles long by 250 yards wide - has sunk about an inch in the last five years.
WHEN WASHING DISHES IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH... 23-year-old Elizabeth Holt, of Billings, Montana, wanted to visit her parents, but she the thought her boyfriend was delaying her by taking too long to finish washing the dishes, so she allegedly grabbed a six-inch kitchen knife and stabbed him in the back, just below the shoulder blade, then called an ambulance and staunched the blood loss until it arrived. James Demontiney, her boyfriend/victim, was reported to be in a stable condition in hospital while Holt was due in court on Wednesday. Presumably the washing-up is still unfinished....
...BUT AT LEAST THEY WEREN'T IN JAPAN... The University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research in Ann Arbor has released the findings of a study into the way men and women spend their time at home. Out of the seven countries studied (Japan, Sweden, Canada, the US, Russia, Finland and Hungary), Swedish men spent the most time - 24 hours a week, on routine housework (including cooking and cleaning), Japanese men the least, at only 4 hours. In all the countries, women did more housework - Swedish women spent 33 hours/week and Japanese women 29 hours. Leisure time for both men and women was greatest in Japan, Sweden and the US, with television viewing hours greatest in Japan.
IF ONLY HE'D READ THE IRREGULAR... A while ago we brought you the story of the student who took his drug stash to a police station to get them to confirm whether it was genuine or fake, and now we have heard of a similar story, from West Hartford, Connecticut, where Gilbert MacConnell went to a police station to apply for a job with the force. He breezed through written and oral exams as well as a fitness and agility test, and was in the final interview with police chiefs when he accidentally admitted to owning an unlicensed gun, and that it was in his car outside. An officer went to check and found a .45-calibre handgun. MacConnell, subsequently charged with carrying a pistol without a permit and having a weapon in a motor vehicle, "talked himself not only out of a job, but into an arrest" according to Police Chief James Strillacci.
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
At the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition Professor Archibald Campion unveiled "Boilerplate" a prototype mechanical man designed for use as a soldier. After a series of expeditions and a world circumnavigation in 1901, the tin man fell out of the public's memory, until this week's site dug up its story. Or not... it's actually all a hoax, but very well done and amusing.
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
3, 11, 25, 29, 32, 40
THE LAVATORY OF OTRANTO
Will be continued in a later issue.
AND FINALLY...
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
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