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Volume 5, Number 17
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29 March 2002
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TFIr #121
Edited by and copyright ©2002 Simon Lamont
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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/
WORKS IN PROGRESS
The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):
Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 20 Mar 2002
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/office/Text adventures:
All at Sea: - planned release: Summer 2002
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Winter 2002
TFIr ONLINE
You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm
Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV archive list (the latter is now only available as a zip or tgz file due to its size):
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 29 March - Captain Scott made the final entry in his diary, 1912 Saturday 30 March - Vincent van Gogh, artist, born, 1853. Van Gogh's "Sunflowers" sold for UKP24.75 million, 1987 Sunday 31 March - The Silence of the Lambs swept the Academy Awards, 1992 Monday 1 April - Robert III, king of Scotland 1390-1406, died in Rothesay. Don't make a fool of yourself today! Tuesday 2 April - Patent for radar granted to Watson Watt, 1935 Wednesday 3 April - Jennie Garth, actress, born, Urbana, IL, 1972 Thursday 4 April - North Atlantic Treaty signed by 11 nations, Washington, DC, 1949
THE WISDOM OF...
This week's guest speaker - A.A. Milne:
"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."
TOTALLY TRIVIAL
Although tinned food first appeared in 1812 the tin opener was not invented until 1862.
FILM QUIZ
An Easterish bag of quotations this week; answers next issue or from the usual address.
- I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole.
- Oh, for goodness sake get down off that crucifix, someone needs the wood.
- (sung) I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now.
- So, laying eggs all your life and then getting stuffed and roasted, that's good enough for you, is it?
- That's right, Mr. Martini. There is an Easter Bunny.
Last issue's nuclear lines were from:
- Harry, the clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking.
-- Armageddon- Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.
-- Ghostbusters- In my humble opinion, in the nuclear world, the true enemy is war itself.
-- Crimson Tide- I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. That's the only way to be sure.
-- Aliens- With all that's going on up in the world you bring a nuclear weapon in here?
-- The Abyss
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
CUCKOO! Spare a thought, as British Summer Time begins on Sunday, for 49-year-old Roman Piekarski, owner of the Cuckooland Museum in Tabley, Cheshire, who will have to spend about 12 hours advancing the time on his world-record-holding collection of 561 cuckoo clocks. "I wish we could just stick to the same time all year round. It just takes ages to change them all - and I have to do it twice a year," he told reporters.
IS IT ART? Many people have understandable problems seeing the "art" in much of the recent Brit-Art movement, so it's no real surprise that when Tracy Emin (who won the Turner Prize for a display of an unmade bed) put up posters near her East London home asking for help finding Docket, her cat who had wandered off, people started taking them down and trying to sell them for up to UKP500. Emin's agent told the Daily Mail newspaper "The posters are not works of art but simply a notice of her missing cat." Docket has since been found.
WILT WOULD BE PROUD... After a neighbour reported seeing a Munich man carrying what looked like a dead body into his apartment armed police burst in only to find that the "body" was an inflatable sex doll, and the man was in the middle of testing it out. A police spokesman commented "I don't know who was more embarrassed, us or him. [..] Once inside his apartment he confessed to having a collection of erotic dolls. That indeed was the case."
NAKED CANADIANS! Calgary radio station CHRK-FM was condemned by the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council this week for running a competition last August for male viewers to dance naked on busy city bridges. The winner, protecting his modesty with two Frisbees, was subsequently fined by the police. The Council stated "[..] In such circumstances the possibility of an [automobile] accident would not be inconceivable. [..] When Lady Godiva, with an analogous attention-getting goal, tried the same thing in Coventry's marketplace in 1040 AD, traffic was not as heavy." In 1999 the Council ruled against a Winnipeg radio station for a similar competition that led to a woman cycling naked down a busy street.
WHEN BURGLARS WATCH TOO MUCH DAYTIME SOAP... William Dykes, arrested and charged with burglary and possession of stolen goods after being photographed by a security camera in a Franklinton, Louisiana, convenience store, and being found with the stolen alcohol, cigarettes and cigars on him, denied responsibility, telling officers that the real culprit was his evil twin brother who dresses in identical clothes and follows him around, committing crimes using his identity. The police were able to dismiss his unusual defence by contacting Dykes' sister who told them that he does have a brother, but "He's not a twin, and he's certainly not evil," James Hartman of the local sheriff's department commented.
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
The Arcata Eye, newspaper of Arcata, California, keeps a log of police incidents which make for amusing reading, as much for the writing style as the contents. For example, "Saturday, December 15 9:57 p.m. Man's inhumanity to man, or persons' inhumanity to persons, or most accurately, a vandal's inhumanity to a vehicle tire was reported in Dorothy Court."
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
1, 11, 19, 29, 34, 40
AND FINALLY...
A couple were making out on the living room couch when the phone rang. The woman got up, went to answer it, and came back a couple of minutes later. "Who was it?" her boyfriend asked.
"My husband."
"I'd better get going then," the man replied, "Where is he?"
"Don't worry, he's downtown having a drink with you."
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