Volume 5, Number 23
10 May 2002
Edited by and copyright ©2002 Simon Lamont
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WORKS IN PROGRESS
The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):
Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 2 April 2002
All at Sea: - planned release: Summer 2002
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Winter 2002
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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 10 May - Augustin-Jean Fresnel, optical pioneer, born, Broglie, France, 1788. Newtek announced the Video Toaster for the Commodore Amiga, 1989 Saturday 11 May - Douglas Adams died, aged 49, Santa Barbara, CA, 2001 Sunday 12 May - Coronation of George VI and Queen Elizabeth, 1937 Monday 13 May - Peter Gabriel and Stevie Wonder born, 1950 Tuesday 14 May - US space station Skylab launched, 1973. George Lucas born, 1944. Wednesday 15 May - Edward Hopper, artist, died, 1967 Thursday 16 May -
Jean Baptiste Fourier, mathematician, died, Paris, 1830
THE WISDOM OF...
This week's guest speaker - Bishop Jim Thompson, speaking on BBC Radio Four:
"Religion used to be the opium of the people. Now we're looking to drugs as being the opium." (Private Eye)
Although the commercialisation of frozen food is credited to Clarence Birdseye, one of the earliest experiments on the subject was conducted by philosopher Francis Bacon in 1626, who stuffed a chicken with snow to see if the flesh would be preserved by the cold. Unfortunately Bacon caught a chill from handling the snow and died soon after.
A shopping bag of quotations this week; answers next issue or from the usual address.
- - We have no time to lose, Mr Adams. We have to find Uncle Cedric before he gets into any more trouble.
- Well what does Uncle Cedric look like?
- Well he's a shopping cart, you know, chromium finish and his right front wheel, it's sort of wobbly.
- Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favour, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE!
- You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie...
- My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store. I got worms!
- I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.
Last issue's lines were from:
- Terrific. I'm about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax.
-- The Last Starfighter
- I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.
-- Empire Records
- I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy, we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days.
- Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
-- There's Something About Mary
- I will live in Montana. And I will marry a round American woman and raise rabbits, and she will cook them for me. And I will have a pickup truck... maybe even a "recreational vehicle."
-- The Hunt For Red October
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
SOME CRIMS ARE DUMB, SOME ARE JUST PLAIN UNLUCKY... A man who snatched jewellery from a street vendor in Ogden, Utah, was unaware that he was surrounded by scores of motorcycle police who were in town for an international convention. VanBuren, MI, officer Louann Hamblin, one of many out-of-uniform officers hanging out, chatting and cleaning their bikes on the street nearby was the first to respond, pursuing the man on her motorbike and apprehending him by knocking him into a wall, then handcuffing him and waiting for local police to arrive.
WE'RE SURE THERE'S A JOKE ABOUT TACKLE HERE SOMEWHERE... Saskatchewan Environment officials had to apologise to Canadian anglers after a brochure gave the wrong number for a information line about how to obtain fishing permits, instead giving that of a premium rate sex line that greeted callers with "Ooh baby, come and feel the heat with wild, sexy porn starlets." Spokesman Bruce Willard said that the woman responsible for the mix-up was "just devastated," adding that nobody was going to lose their job over the incident and that "We'll just have to be more careful next time."
JAMESON WOULD NEVER APPROVE... The new Spider-Man film is not just breaking records at the box office - it is also racking up reported mistakes on the movie-mistakes.com website faster than any other film. Site owner John Sandys has received details of over 64 continuity errors and other mistakes. Spider-Man is currently in 14th place on the site's chart, the top three films with the most mistakes being The Matrix (146), Titanic (136) and The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring (111 goofs)
HOLIDAY CHAOS... A Plymouth couple returned from their honeymoon last October to find that their friends had bricked up their front door and painted a wooden door on the bricks. Jim and Marjorie Smith of Weston-Super-Mare went on holiday to Wales last summer, took a special "Mystery Tour" train trip and ended up back in Weston-Super-Mare for a day. Whenever Jim and Margaret McGregor have gone on holiday in the last few years their vacation has been deluged with rain. They were nearly swept off a causeway in Florida in 1997, Hurricane George caused their apartment roof to collapse under the weight of rainwater in 1998 (also in Florida), their trip to Santa Ponsa, Majorca in 2000 had storms daily, and their daughter's Bahamian wedding in 2001 had to move indoors after just one clear day in two weeks.
DUMB CRIM OF THE WEEK... When 28-year-old model Angelina Siena was mugged in Sao Paolo she reported the incident to the police and thought that was the end of it, but her mugger had other ideas. Getting her address from a card in her bag he wrote to her, apologising for mugging her and telling her that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and giving his phone number for her to call to arrange for him to take her to dinner one night. She passed the number to the police. A female officer contacted him, set up the date, and the would-be romantic robber was arrested.
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... there were lots of little plastic bricks with knobbly bits. This week's site of the week is the Lego Star Wars Trilogy - relive the first three (or fourth, fifth & sixth if you're pedantic) Star Wars films, lovingly recreated with Lego bricks...
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
5, 14, 19, 31, 38, 46
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks about true friendship and truth itself!
When you are sad ... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile ... I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared ... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused ... I will use little words to explain it to you.
When you are sick ... stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall ... I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.
This is my oath ... I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!
Send this poem to ten of your closest friends (or else you will have bad luck) and get depressed because you realise you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway because of that dumb chain letter you sent them last week!
...end of line