Volume 6, Number 2
14 June 2002
Edited by and copyright ©2002 Simon Lamont
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WORKS IN PROGRESS
The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):
Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 2 April 2002
All at Sea: - planned release: Summer 2002
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Winter 2002
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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 14 June - Yasmine Bleeth, actress, born, 1968 Saturday 15 June - King John set his seal on the Magna Carta, Runnymede, 1215 Sunday 16 June - Stan Laurel born, Ulverston, Lancashire, 1890 Monday 17 June - A break-in at the headquarters of the Democratic Party begins the Watergate affair, 1972 Tuesday 18 June - Joan of Arc defeated the English, Patay, France, 1429 Wednesday 19 June ` - Kathleen Turner, actress, born, 1954. Garfield the Cat first appeared, 1978 Thursday 20 June -
William Barents, navigator, died in the Arctic, 1597
THE WISDOM OF...
This week's guest speaker - Sinead O'Connor on why she's decided to go bald again:
"I've been trying to grow it, but someone came up to me and asked if I was Enya. I was so shocked I shaved all my hair off." (Heat)
Eric II, King of Denmark, who died in 1104 is known as Eric the Memorable. Nobody knows why this is.
A mixed bag of quotations this week; answers next issue or from the usual address.
- Whew, this movie business is tough. I might just have to go back to loan-sharking for a while to get some vacation.
- Don't blame me. I'm an interpreter. I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.
- I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown!
- There is an intruder - male, Caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird - in my kitchen.
- Why did the robot cross the road? Because he was carbon bonded to the chicken!
Last issue's quotations were from:
- OK, Vampire Anatomy 101. Crosses and running water don't do dick, so forget about what you see in the movies. You use a stake, silver, or sunlight. You know how to use one of these?
- 1500 years ago, everybody knew that the earth was the centre of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew that the earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
-- Men in Black
- When this kind of fire starts, it is very hard to put out. The tender boughs of innocence burn first, and the wind rises, and then all goodness is in jeopardy.
-- Twin Peaks - Fire Walk With Me
- You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.
-- Top Gun
- Well, it's an interesting combination of elements making him a tough little son-of-a-bitch.
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
LAZY JOURNALISM... The Beijing Evening News has apologised for printing a story about the US Congress as truth when it was in fact created by satirical spoof US website The Onion. The report claimed that members of Congress were threatening to leave Washington unless they got a brand new Capitol building with a retractable roof.
SCARED STIFF... 42-year-old Michigan car mechanic and self-taught amateur Civil War historian Lonnie King could be facing up to ten years in prison after allegedly entering a crypt at Oak Hill Cemetery with his teenage son, breaking open a coffin, poking a body with his fingers and then picking it up and shaking it at the boy to frighten him. He is then claimed to have returned to the crypt by himself three or four times and changed the lock on it. Defence lawyer Robert Wick told the court hearing King's trial that "There's nothing that he's done that was malicious. He did not go out and harm a single living human being." Most of the bodies in the crypt were interred in the late 19th century.
OCTOBRAIN... Staff at the Blue Reed Aquarium in Tynemouth have nicknamed an octopus rescued from a local beach Einstein because he shows signs of intelligence. Since his arrival Einstein has indulged in playful tugs of war with staff and learned to unscrew a jar lid. Workers are devising new tests and toys for the half-metre long curled octopus, who is currently playing with a little football given him to celebrate England's World Cup soccer success.
OH SHIT... A man who snatched the handbag of a pensioner as she was walking her dog in Sussex was probably disappointed to find that the sole contents of the bag were a pooper-scooper and a plastic bag containing the dog's excrement.
EVEN BIGGER BROTHER... John Locker, a freelance journalist who writes for satellite communications magazines has gone public with the news that anyone can tune in to live video from US spy planes flying over the Balkans via the Telstar satellite over Brazil. "I am not a hacker - this is free-to-air programming," he told journalists, adding that he had spent the past seven months trying to get NATO and US military chiefs to take notice of the possible security lapse, but had got little response. NATO has since stated that it is a matter for the US, and Major Bill Bigelow, spokesman for the US European Command in Germany, has claimed that without analysis the raw images - which included military exercises and protected patrols - did not by themselves constitute intelligence. Despite this claim, Richard Perle, chairman of the Pentagon Defense Policy Board told the BBC that plans were in hand to encrypt the data.
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
With the barbecue season approaching, what better site this week than that most suitable of sports - Cheese Racing. We're not going to say any more, you just have to see this...
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
5, 15, 22, 28, 31, 40
Getting old has its advantages.... Your friends can come to your birthday party and warm themselves around the cake.
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