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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

WORKS IN PROGRESS

The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):

Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 2 April 2002
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/office/

Text adventures:

All at Sea: - planned release: Summer 2002
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Winter 2002

TFIr ONLINE

You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm

Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV archive list (the latter is now only available as a zip or tgz file due to its size):

• FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 10 July 2002)
• UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead/ (last updated 24 June 2002)
  
• Film/TV/CD Archive: 613 CDs, 2576 films (247 on DVD) and 8731 TV shows (406 on DVD), totalling 11307 items, at 5 July 2002
  
  • http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/lists.zip (Windows) or
  • http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/lists.tgz (Linux).

 

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 12 July		-		R. Buckminster Fuller, inventor of the geodesic dome, born, 1895
Saturday 13 July		-		Harrison Ford born, 1942. Start of the Bon Festival (Japan)
Sunday 14 July		-		Jay Wright Forrester, inventor of random-access magnetic core memory for computers, born, 1918. Bastille Day (France)
Monday 15 July		-		Larry Cohen, film-maker, born, New York, 1941. St. Swithen's Day (UK) - will it rain or shine?
Tuesday 16 July		-		First atomic bomb detonated, Trinity Site, New Mexico, 1945. Hillaire Belloc, writer, died, Guildford, 1953.
Wednesday 17 July		-		Billie Holiday, jazz singer, died, New York, 1959. Constitution Day (South Korea)
Thursday 18 July		-		Thomas Cook, travel agent pioneer, died, Leicester, 1892. National Day (Spain).

This week's guest speaker - John Travolta, aeroplane geek...

"I called my son Jett and I wanted to call my daughter Qantas but my wife wouldn't let me." (Heat)

TOTALLY TRIVIAL

Some equine trivia this week. Arabian horses have one less vertebra than other breeds; One of the contributing factors towards Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo was his inability to survey the battlefield on his horse, Marengo, owing to severe haemorrhoids; The patron saint of horses is St. Stephen, a 9th century Swedish missionary.

 

FILM QUIZ

A mixed bag of quotations; answers next issue or from the usual address.

• I am your number one fan. There is nothing to worry about. You are going to be just fine. I am your number one fan.
• You want an autograph? Write to MGM
• I can teach you how to bewitch the mind, and ensnare the senses. I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper on death.
• I arrest you, Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious pink Lytton.
• Celebrity marriages; they never last, do they?

Last issue's quotations were from:

• - What would you like for dinner?
  - Toast.
  - And how would you like that, sir?
  - Toasted.
  -- The Road to Wellville
• Is that what your little note says? It must be hard living your life off a couple of scraps of paper. You mix your laundry list with your grocery list you'll end up eating your underwear for breakfast.
  -- Memento
• I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner.
  -- The Silence of the Lambs
• Rise up in the cafeteria and stab them with your plastic forks!
  -- Pump Up the Volume
• Sushi. That's what my ex-wife calls me - cold fish.
  -- Blade Runner
  

 

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

PRICKLY LOVE... A frightened 72-year-old German woman called the police after hearing cries of distress coming from a neighbour's hedge, telling them that she had looked out of her window but been unable to see the incident, and had been too afraid to leave her house to investigate. The police officers who arrived conducted a careful search by torchlight and discovered that the culprits were an amorous couple of hedgehogs underneath a nearby car, who left the scene shortly after being discovered.

BE THANKFUL IT WASN'T THE MACARENA... An estimated 10,000 people gathered in Livermore, Philadelphia last week to try to set a new world record for the largest mass performance (including the actions) of the Village People hit "Y.M.C.A." Organiser Sheryl Hardin told the Contra Costa Times that "We'd really like to get Livermore in the record books again, but it's all in fun." The current record was set by 6,907 Southwest Missouri State University students in 1997. If the Livermore attempt is ratified by Guinness World Records it will be the town's second entry in the record books - it's already the home of the world's longest-burning lightbulb.

NEVER MIND THE OLYMPICS... Last week around 6000 people gathered in a forest clearing near Sonkajarvi, Finland, just a few hours' drive from the Arctic Circle to watch an annual international sporting challenge, and for the fifth year running the Estonians beat off competition from over 72 other contestants from eight countries to win the World Wife-Carrying Championships. Meelis Tammre, 24, and his partner Anna Zilberberg, 21, completed the 278-yard course - which includes two timber hurdles and a chest-high water pool - in one minute four seconds. Their prize was 108lb (the winning woman's weight) in beer. The contest, now in its tenth year, has its origins in the local legend of Ronkkrainen the Robber, a local chieftan whose gang stole wives from other villages.

MORE WEIGHTY ISSUES... Motorcyclists wanting to take the Norwegian light motorcycle test in Elverum are having their test dates postponed because the three thinnest examiners are on holiday and the others are all too heavy to ride pillion. Examiner Bjoern Mellembakken (100kg) told reporters that the license regulations on load assume the driver weighs 75kg, and a pillion passenger who breaks the limit by himself is not allowed. "This is a problem for us in general. We're big guys," he explained, adding that he didn't foresee diets or liposuction being used anytime soon.

DUMB CRIM OF THE WEEK... Earlier this week New Jersey's Burlington County Times reported the story of a 36-year-old man who led traffic police on an hour-long chase, telling them by mobile phone that his stolen Ford F-250 pickup truck had a bomb on board which would explode if his speed dropped below 55mph. Needless to say, they didn't believe him and shot out the tyres. The truck stopped (no explosives were found on it) and the suspect fled on foot, only to be apprehended, charged with handling stolen goods and other offences, and sentenced to watch Speed 2: Cruise Control over and over again non-stop for a week... (OK, we made that last bit up, no judge would be *that* mean...-Ed.)

STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR ATTENTION THIS WEEK: Tiny Computers advertise a 24/7 online technical support service for customers who (amongst other things) "can't access the internet"; World Wildlife Fund report predicts end of natural resources in 50 years - recommends colonising two other planets by then; Reality TV game show fan Eric Blair changes name by deed poll to "Big Brother"; Danish court bans unapproved World Wide Web links; Liverpool City Council bans employees from emailing each other on Wednesdays - wants them to talk to each other instead; woman fined for attacking policeman with her false teeth.

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Even if you've never encountered an MP3 file you've probably heard about them, usually in an "Evil Internet music downloading is killing music" type news report. This week's link is to an article countering this point of view, written by nine-time Grammy-nominated musician Janis Ian.

http://www.janisian.com/article-internet_debacle.html

 

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

2, 11, 17, 29, 40, 43

AND FINALLY...

Troubleshooting problems: Beer

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself leashed to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.