Volume 6, Number 8
26 July 2002
Edited by and copyright ©2002 Simon Lamont
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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/
WORKS IN PROGRESS
The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):
Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 2 April 2002
All at Sea: - planned release: Summer 2002
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Winter 2002
You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm
Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV archive list (the latter is now only available as a zip or tgz file due to its size):
- FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 10 July 2002)
- UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead/ (last updated 25 July 2002)
- Film/TV/CD Archive: 613 CDs, 2606 films (250 on DVD) and 8769 TV shows (406 on DVD), totalling 11375 items, at 25 July 2002
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 26 July - Carl Jung, psychologist, born, Kesswyl, Germany, 1875. Happy Liberian Independence Day! Saturday 27 July - Laying of the Atlantic telegraph cable successfully completed, 1866 Sunday 28 July - Composers who died today: Vivaldi (1741), J.S. Bach (1750) and Giuseppi Sarti (1802). Happy Peruvian Independence Day! Monday 29 July - The wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer, 1981 Tuesday 30 July - Emily Bronte, writer, born, Thornton, Yorkshire, 1818 Wednesday 31 July - First US patent granted, for a potash process, 1790 Thursday 1 August -
Frances Farmer, actress, died, 1970. Happy Confederation Day, Switzerland!
THE WISDOM OF...
This week's guest speaker - An unnamed Russian journalist commenting on 'N Sync singer Lance Bass's preparations for a trip to the International Space Station...
"All he needs to know is how to put on his suit and what not to touch. We could even train a monkey to do this -- in less time than that."
Tests carried out by the Swedish army have shown that the traditional igloo, constructed with blocks of snow, absorbs artillery blasts better than concrete, and is almost invisible to aircraft reconnaissance and infrared missile guidance systems.
A mixed bag of quotations; answers next issue or from the usual address.
- No questions. No answers. That's the job we've chosen. You just accept it and move on.
- It's my party and I'll die if I want do, die if I want to! You will die too, when it happens to you!
- Welcome to Pacific Tech's "Smart People on Ice"!
- Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Beneath his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be...
- Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.
Last issue's quotations were from:
- Hang on a minute, lads, I've got a great idea. Er... Er...
-- The Italian Job
- I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.
-- Four Weddings and a Funeral
- Give my regards to King Tut, asshole.
- I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.
-- American Beauty
- This has GOT to be a nine-point-oh on my weird-shit-o-meter.
-- Men in Black
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
IT'S NOT JUST CANADIAN POT GROWERS THEN... Following last week's item on Canadians whose cannabis crops were discovered by police through their own stupidity, this week we bring you the tale of a Weehawken, New Jersey man whose $60,000 indoor marijuana farm was discovered after the complex irrigation system he had devised - involving lots of plastic tubing and eight plastic 8'-diameter children's paddling pools - leaked water through the ceiling of the apartment below his. After police officers got no reply when they knocked on his door, fire officers managed to break it down and enter the apartment in search of the leak, finding the 60 plants as well as a safe later found to contain almost two ounces of uncut cocaine, worth about $100,000.
EXPECT AN INCREASE IN CLAIMED ALIEN SIGHTINGS... The Redlands Shire Council, east of Brisbane, Australia are worried about the number of koalas killed by motorists driving through their wooded breeding grounds (over 600 were hit last year, of which 149 died), so they have come up with a novel way of drawing attention to the problem. Koalas found dead on the road will be painted with fluorescent red paint and left on the roadside for 24 hours as caution signs.
AND THE LATEST COMMONWEALTH SPORT IS... GEOGRAPHY! A souvenir programme for the Commonwealth Games, which started in Manchester, England, yesterday, contains a rather noticeable mistake - it claims that Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is the longest town name in England, when the town is actually in Wales. A spokesman for the Welsh Language Society told reporters "Let's hope they don't find that Manchester is in Anglesey. In fact, let's hope they can find Manchester." Organisers have apologised for the blunder - produced by an independent company commissioned to print the brochures - and added that it was too late to reprint them. Elsewhere in the games, two Gambian cyclists who arrived without their bicycles have been given new custom-built bikes by a local shop, and another cycling team had to be rescued by police after cycling onto a motorway to get to their training location.
WHEN COMPUTERS TURN VICIOUS... Catherine Simpson, 11, of Ipswich, England, had to be rescued by firemen after getting her lip trapped in the rollers of an old-style computer scanner (presumably one where the platen moves instead of the scan head) while trying to scan her face. Her mother called the emergency services after being unable to free her daughter. A spokesman for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents commented "This kind of accident is not something we've come across before. It goes without saying that it's not a good idea to put parts of your body into a computer scanner, but then kids will be kids."
JUST WHEN WE'D FORGOTTEN THAT SONG... A federal appeals court in California has affirmed an earlier ruling in the legal battle between Mattel Inc., manufacturer of Barbie dolls, and Universal Music, whose MCA Records unit released the sleeper hit "Barbie Girl" by Danish band Aqua in 1997. Mattel claimed that the song could confuse consumers and dilute the power of the Barbie brand, but the court ruled that the song "pokes fun at Barbie and the values Aqua contends she represents," thus qualifying the song as parody, with protection under the First Amendment.
STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR ATTENTION THIS WEEK: Company emails staff to tell them to go home for the day... because of a power cut in their office; 60-foot-long giant squid washed up on Tasmanian beach; Labrador falls off boat deck a mile from the Isle of Wight, swims ten miles across the Solent and up the River Beaulieu to arrive on land just eight miles from home; Japanese train company takes the stress out of travelling in high heat and humidity by serving unlimited beer on a Friday night run - but advises travellers to take advantage of station stops as there are no toilets on the train; astronomers announce Earth could be hit by asteroid in 2019, but probably won't.
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
We are big fans of The Sims and Sim City here at Irregular Towers, so this week's site really tickled our funny bones. Ant City is an interactive flash animation where you get to hold a giant magnifying glass over a city intersection, burning the people, cars, trees and anything else that might appear. Word of advice - the game ends when you blow up a tanker ;)
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
8, 13, 22, 26, 39, 41
Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were once having a conversation about their 'Hard Man' images and how they didnt particularly like this stereotyping off screen. So Stallone had an idea that the three of them should try out a more passive role and each play famous music composers.
"I'll become Beethoven" said Sty.
"Good idea" said Willis "I can be Mendelssohn".
"Good thinking" said Arnold ,agreeing with the idea... "I'LL BE BACH"!!
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