We have simplified the subscription/unsubscription process to an online form. Visit http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/tfir-subs.htm to add or remove yourself from the list.

Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

WORKS IN PROGRESS

The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):

Still missing Lamont Times #5 and Irregular #12.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 26 July 2002
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/office/

Text adventures:

All at Sea: - planned release: Summer 2002
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Winter 2002

TFIr ONLINE

You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest online version will always be available at http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/latest.htm

Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV archive list (the latter is now only available as a zip or tgz file due to its size):

• FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 10 July 2002)
• UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead/ (last updated 25 July 2002)
  
• Film/TV/CD Archive: 615 CDs, 2626 films (255 on DVD) and 8819 TV shows (406 on DVD), totalling 11445 items, at 14 August 2002
  
  • http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/lists.zip (Windows) or
  • http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/lists.tgz (Linux).

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 16 August		-		Madonna born, 1959. Woodstock festival started, 1969. Elvis died, 1977. Bennington Battle Day (legal holiday) in Vermont.
Saturday 17 August		-		Robert De Niro born, NYC, 1943. Independence Day in Indonesia, National (Independence) Day in Gabon
Sunday 18 August		-		Genghis Khan, Mongol emperor 1175-1227, died, 1227
Monday 19 August		-		Groucho Marx died, Santa Monica, CA, 1977. Independence Day in Afghanistan
Tuesday 20 August		-		Voyager I launched, 1977. St Stephen's Day (national holiday) in Hungary.
Wednesday 21 August		-		Kim Cattrall, actress, born, Liverpool, 1956. Matthew Broderick, actor (married to Sarah Jessica Parker, Cattrall's "Sex & The City" co-star) born, NYC, 1962. Lawyer's Day in the USA.
Thursday 22 August		-		Richard III killed at Bosworth Field, 1485. Ray Bradbury, sci-fi writer, born, 1920.

This week's guest speaker - an unknown writer in Modern Maturity...

"There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. "

 

TOTALLY TRIVIAL

If you wanted to watch all the episodes of all the incarnations of Star Trek (Original series, animated series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise) it would take over 15 days of 24-hour-a-day viewing. The opening title sequence for the latest series, "Enterprise" features the space shuttle Enterprise, which was named after the fictitious space ship from the original series after a write-in poll conducted by NASA. The command chair used by William Shatner's Captain Kirk went up for auction in June, eventually selling for $150,000.

 

FILM QUIZ

A mixed bag of quotations; answers next issue or from the usual address.

• Sorry baby but I had to crash that Honda.
• - You're being arrested for drunk driving.
  - Drunk definitely, I don't know if you could call it driving.
• It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas.
• And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... Bran... fluid. Bran flavour.
• I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

Last issue's quotations were from:

• Nobody tosses a dwarf!
  -- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
• - What are you looking at?
  - Your leg. I'd like to break it.
  -- Willow
• Silly little planet. Anyone could take over the place with the right set of mammary glands.
  -- Men in Black II
• You've won the battle, but I'm about to win the wardrobe
  -- 101 Dalmatians (1996)
• We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.
  -- The Santa Clause
  

 

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

THE KING LIVES... 25 years after his death (or "alleged" death, if you follow certain usenet groups), the spirit of Elvis lives on. An online poll of 2000 American adults by Harris Interactive has found that over 17 million Americans have impersonated Elvis (a third of whom were women), and almost 72 million have been to see an impersonator's performance. Meanwhile New Zealand artist Maurice Bennett has used over 4000 small slices of toast to create a giant portrait of Elvis (you can see it on his website at http://www.mauricebennett.co.nz/), and spare a thought for Gary Kennewick of Enterprise, Wyoming, who is taking his annual holiday from his job at a local supermarket this week, because of his uncanny life-long resemblance to Presley. "Tourists often ask me if I'm really Elvis, and it's usually just a joke, but at this time of year - and especially on major anniversaries - things can get a bit crazy," he told local reporters, before flying off for an undisclosed destination. Finally, a woman in Seattle claims to have bought a hamburger which bears the face of Elvis on the patty.

HOLE IN ONE! The Report On The American Golfer, a survey of 2000 American golfers has revealed that around 8% have had sex on the course, with the figure rising to 18% among players with low handicaps. 16% have broken their clubs in anger during a round, while 59% admitting to moving their ball to improve their lie while their opponents weren't looking. When it came to annoyances, slow players were only marginally more annoying than mobile phones, taking 37% of the vote against 34%.

BIRD-BRAINED... The annual Birdman of Bognor contest took place last weekend, with 50 men dressed in bird costumes jumping off the pier in the British seaside resort in an attempt to fly 100 metres and claim a UKP 25,000 prize. The furthest anyone has got in the 19-year history of the competition is 89.2 metres; this year's winner, 46-year-old Ron Freeman, won his fifth title with a 37-metre glide.

A SPAM BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD STINK THE SAME... Professional stress counsellor and holistic health centre manager Lynn Ogilvie, hired to help staff at Lothian University Hospitals Trust in Scotland, decided it would be a helpful thing to email the 3000 staff daily poems intended to help them achieve calm. Naturally, the reverse has happened, and the number of angry complaints flooding through the mail system has almost crashed the network, to the point where IT manager Lynda Lawson sent out a warning that staff who bombard the service with complaints will have their email facility removed. Ms Ogilvie commented "If my poems act as a release for pent-up emotions then that is great. Some must be like tight coils to become so angry. They need to lighten up."

SEE WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR VEGGIES, KIDS? A 30-year-old Swedish man working on a farm near Mjolby last week was killed when he was accidentally buried under 13 tons of peas in a storage silo. A local radio station reported that rescue workers were able to pull the man out but could not revive him.

STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR ATTENTION THIS WEEK: Would-be jewellery thieves caught speeding on the way to the crime scene; Turkish man says "No more children" after fathering 50 with his four wives; Frisbee pioneer "Steady" Ed Headrick died Monday, ashes to be moulded into "memorial flying discs" for family and friends; scientists planning to measure wind speed at Corfe Castle, Dorset, forced to abandon project - too windy to erect their equipment; German fire extinguisher factory burned down after none of their own equipment worked; wife granted divorce after husband confessed to faking being deaf and dumb for several years to avoid "constant nagging"; man hit by car in the background during televised interview with UK Road Safety Minister; large-scale manhunt for missing child in New Zealand ends with discovery of girl asleep in the back of her mother's people-carrier, where she had been all the time.

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

This week's site is DigiGuide, an incredibly useful TV and radio guide for Windows that updates its listings online, can (amongst other things) remind you when your favourite shows are on, and is available either as free ad-supported or cheap (UKP 5/year) ad-free registered versions. It is also available as an online ad-free web-based utility at http://www.myDigiGuide.com. DigiGuide is currently UK listings only but there are plans to launch a US version covering 5000+ channels (see http://www.digiguide.com/dg/us-enquiry.shtml) later this year. Oh, and it's based in the quaintly-named one-time home-town of the Editor, Budleigh Salterton in Devon.

http://www.digiguide.com

 

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

1, 4, 20, 27, 35, 39

 

AND FINALLY...

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."