|
Volume 7, Number 2
|
13 December 2002
|
TFIr #158
Edited by and copyright ©2002 Simon Lamont
TFIr ONLINE
The plain text TFIr is mailed out every Friday. To subscribe or unsubscribe visit
You can also read TFIr in its enhanced online version, with links and graphics where appropriate. The latest edition will always be available at
Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at
Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV/CD archive lists (the latter are now only available as a zip or tarball due to their size):
- FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 10 July 2002)
- UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead/ (last updated 10 December 2002)
- Film/TV/CD Archive: 621 CDs, 2701 films (286 on DVD) and 9591 TV shows (497 on DVD), totalling 12292 items, at 9 December 2002
WORKS IN PROGRESS
The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):
Missing Lamont Times #5, Irregular #12 and TFIr #3.09.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 2 October 2002
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/office/Text adventures:
All at Sea: - planned release: Spring 2003
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Winter 2002. Probable release: Winter 2003 (Linux switch-over and other things taking too much time).
FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK
With all the celebrations going on here at Lamont Towers there will be no issue on the 27th, so there'll be a supersized issue next week then we'll be back on January 3rd.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 13 December - Abel Tasman discovered New Zealand, 1642. Ernst von Siemens, electrical engineer, born, Lenthe, Germany, 1816. Painter Grandma Moses died, 1961. Happy birthday to: DJ Sara Cox (28), Detroit Red Wing Sergei Fedorov (33), actors Steve Buscemi (45) & Dick Van Dyke (77). Soshuharai (Soot Sweeping Day) in Japan, Republic Day in Malta, St. Lucia Day in Sweden and St. Lucia/ Saturday 14 December - Nostradamus born, 1503. George Washington died, 1799. Luddite riots began in England, 1811. Amundsen reached the South Pole, 1911. Lupe Valez, the "Mexican Spitfire" committed suicide, Los Angeles, 1944. Happy birthday to: Liverpool & England soccer player Michael Owen (23), singer Beth Orton (32), actor Ted Raimi (37). Admission Day in Alabama (22nd state, 1819) Sunday 15 December - Jan Vermeer, artist, died, Delft, 1675. US Bill of Rights ratified, 1791. Phonograph patent granted to Edison, 1877. Sitting Bull, Sioux chief, died, 1890. First sex change operation, 1952. First space rendezvous (Geminis 6 & 7), 1965. Walt Disney died, 1966. Writer Laurens Van der Post died, 1996. Happy birthday to: director Alex Cox (48), actress Helen Slater (39), actor Don Johnson (53). Bill of Rights Day in the USA Monday 16 December - Catherine of Aragon, Henry VIII's first wife, born, 1485. Boston Tea Party, 1773. Jane Austen born, 1775. Zoltan Kandinsky, composer, born, 1882. First issue of "Variety" published, 1905. Happy birthday to: actress Miranda Otto (35), actor Benjamin Bratt (39), actress Liv Ullmann (63), writer Arthur C Clarke (85). Independence Day in Bahrain, Day of National Reconciliation in South Africa
Tuesday 17 December - Beethoven born, 1770. World's first one-way street created, New York City, 1791. Wright brothers achieve first sustained motorised aircraft flight, 1903. USAF terminate Project Blue Book (their UFO investigation), 1969. Happy birthday to: actress Milla Jovovich (27), entertainer Tommy Steele (66) and Bartholomew J. Simpson (13). National Day in Bhutan. Wright Brothers Day in the USA. Wednesday 18 December - Antonio Stradivari, violin maker, died, 1737. Paul Klee, artist, born, 1879. Edwin Armstrong, inventor of FM radio, born, 1890. Comedian and actor Chris Farley died, 1997. Happy birthday to: actors Brad Pitt (39) and Ray Liotta (47), director Steven Spielberg (56), Rolling Stone Keith Richards (59), actor Ossie Davis (85). Republic Day in Niger. Thursday 19 December - Benjamin Franklin began publishing "Poor Richard's Almanack", 1732. Emily Bronte, poet & novelist, died, 1848. Joseph Turner, artist, died, 1851. Actor Duncan Lamont died (1978). Happy birthday to: actresses Alyssa Milano (30), Kristy Swanson (33) and Jennifer Beals (39), musician Limahl (44), comedian Syd Little (60)
THE WISDOM OF...
This week, Peanuts' Linus (written by Charles Schulz):
"No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from."
TOTALLY TRIVIAL
Some cephalopodan trivia this week. Octopus blood uses hemocyanin, a copper-based compound to carry oxygen in its blood (For Trekkers, yes, that's like Mr Spock), so its blood is bluish-green in colour. This is less efficient than the iron-based haemoglobin of humans, and so, although octopuses are legendarily strong they quickly suffer oxygen deprivation and tire easily. Nicknamed the Devil Fish by sailors, it was thought that giant octopuses would live in the same den for over ten years - this misunderstanding was due to the fact that one giant octopus looks rather like another; in fact they rarely live for more than three years, and females usually starve to death after brooding their eggs. The nickname is also misleading as octopuses are shy but inquisitive creatures, and will only attack as a last resort when threatened. Their first line of defence is to produce a cloud of ink and jet themselves away. While giant octopuses can have lengths in excess of six feet most octopuses grow no larger than two feet, but because they have no backbone they can squeeze through tiny holes - an 80lb octopus can get through a hole the size of a silver dollar, while giant octopuses can squeeze through holes no larger than the size of their beaks..
FILM QUIZ
Bonus point for spotting the odd film out this week; answers next issue or from the usual address.
- This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you... it's why I swore things would be different with my kids. It's my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.
- Into the mud, scum queen!
- I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.
- (sung) I thrill when I drill a bicuspid / It's swell though they tell me I'm mal-ad-just-ed.
- My name is Steve Martin, I'm a correspondent for United World News. I was headed for an assignment in Cairo when I stopped off in Tokyo for a social call. But it turned out to be a visit to a living hell from another world.
Last issue's scientific quotations were from:
- - Reach!
- Is this a hold-up?
- It's a science experiment!
-- Back to the Future Part III- So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?
-- Weird Science- You want to compare brainpans. I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princeton for two and a half years. Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes and the let me use explosives.
-- Armageddon- Back off man. I'm a scientist.
-- Ghostbusters- So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver in antici... pation.
-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
SPAMMING THE SPAMMER. One to warm the hearts of anyone overwhelmed with unsolicited e-mail offering everything from government grants to herbal "enhancements" - Alan Ralsky, a contender for the current title of world's biggest spammer, is getting a taste of his own medicine thanks to a well-organised campaign by the anti-spam community. Having lost a court case brought by Verizon Internet Services to force him to stop using their servers Ralsky switched to buying e-mail access from foreign providers, and boasts the capacity to send over a billion unsolicited e-mails a day from the basement of his $740,000 home. Now the anti-spammers have hatched a plan, organised through through the slashdot.org website, and Ralsky is being inundated with advertising, catalogues and brochures delivered to his house. "They've signed me up for every advertising campaign and mailing list there is," he told Free Press columnist Mike Wendland.
ANOTHER WEEK, ANOTHER LOAD OF DUMB CRIMS. A six-man gang who robbed a Sao Paolo, Brazil jewellery store obviously put some thought into their crime, dressing up as policemen then dumping the getaway cars and mobile phones that had been used shortly after making their escape with UKP50,000 worth of jewellery. Unfortunately they didn't put quite enough thought into it, as Edison Santi, the policeman in charge of the case told the Jornal da Tarde newspaper, "They used mobile phones and cars registered under their own names!" The gang were quickly identified and arrested. Meanwhile in Middlesborough, England, an unknown vigilante has tricked two car tax dodgers into turning themselves in to the police by leaving realistic yellow enforcement notices bearing the logos of Cleveland Police and the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency on the windows of untaxed cars. Acting Sergeant Colin Whitfield told reporters that he had never come across anything like it before, and urged the unknown person to pass on details of unlicensed cars to the police. The vigilante has made one small mistake - his notes refer to "road fund licensing," a term which was replaced with "vehicle excise license" some years ago.
FROSTY THE VANDAL! When Hildesheim, Germany, resident and Gambian immigrant Michael Jarju looked out of his fifth-floor window one morning earlier this week to see his car turned white he called the police, suspecting vandalism. Officers, fearing a neo-Nazi racial incident raced to the scene, only to find that the car was in fact covered in snow, a result of the sub-zero cold spell of which Mr Jarju, who had never experienced a European winter before, was unaware. A police spokesman explained that "most of the snow on the ground had melted but the snow on his car had stayed and he thought it had been vandalised."
WELL IT'S BETTER THAN THIS YEAR'S TURNER ENTRIES... When the Tate Britain gallery in London commissioned artist Tracy Emin to decorate a Christmas tree for them they did not expect a normal tree - Emin, whose work sells for up to UKP95,000 is best known for an installation of an unmade bed surrounded by litter. What they got, however, still came as a surprise. Emin gave the tree to the Lighthouse HIV and Aids charity, and placed an empty canvas where it should have been in the gallery. Visitors are invited to sign the canvas, leave their addresses and make a donation to the charity; at the end of the exhibition Emin will pick a name from the canvas and that donor will received an original work of hers. A spokesperson for Tate Modern denied that they were disappointed, saying "We don't expect a normal tree. We know that artists will create a different take on the idea, that's the whole point."
NO-SHOW SNOW SHOW. A plan to create a unique tourist attraction in the city of Winnipeg, Manitoba, this winter has fallen foul of the weather. Maria den Oudsten, president of the city's Rotary Club, came up with the idea of building 10,000 snowmen, but there's one problem. There isn't any snow. Normally the city would have had 14 inches of snow by now, with a good five inches settled on the ground, but this year less than a foot has fallen, and it hasn't stayed. "I'm praying for snow, of course, but what can you do?" Den Oudsten commented. Winnipeg was officially the coldest city with a population of over half a million in the world until recently when a population surge pushed Ulan Bator, Outer Mongolia, ahead.
STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR EYE THIS WEEK: Tokyo University researchers running a Hitachi supercomputer for 400 hours calculate pi to a world-record 1.2411 trillion places; Woolworths forced to plastic-wrap 250,000 Kylie Minogue advent calendars to stop teenage boys opening the door nearest to Kylie's bottom on in-store displays; Viggo Mortenson's pained expression during a Two Towers fight scene not so much good acting as breaking toes; car fanatic names his daughters Mercedes and Lexus (also considered Portia and Skoda...); half-smoked Churchill cigar auctioned for UKP2,270 (US$/euro 3580 approx.); New York City chemotherapy patients triggering subway radiation detectors; toddler swallows car immobiliser key, mother advised to hold him next to steering wheel to start car - works!
ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS
Sylvester Stallone in final negotiations for Rocky VI; Mel Gibson, George Miller to make Mad Max IV; Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee win damages over sex video sales; Jennifer Aniston named E! Television's Entertainer of the Year, also nominated for Independent Spirit Award; Denzel Washington named Entertainment Weekly's Entertainer of the Year; Planet Hollywood auctioning memorabilia collection; Gangs of New York finally premieres; Norwegian teenager Jon Johansen pleads not guilty in DeCSS trial; Andrew Lloyd-Webber's Bombay Dreams passes the UKP10m mark after six months; Britney Spears granted restraining order against stalker; Harry Potter novel teaser card auctions for UKP28,680. Obit: Angel actor Glenn Quinn (32)
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
Some people built gazebos in their backyards, some may have a pool put in. This week's site is about a man who built a rollercoaster (as the site says, "Their children had grown up and started families of their own, so what better way to entice the grandchildren over..."). Welcome to The Blue Flash, please keep your hands inside the car at all times.
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
8, 13, 24, 29, 41, 45
AND FINALLY...
One day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
...end of line