TFIr ONLINE

The plain text TFIr is mailed out every Friday. To subscribe or unsubscribe visit

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The latest edition (with active links and graphics where appropriate) is always available at

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Back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at

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Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV/CD archive lists (the latter are now only available as a zip or tarball due to their size):

• FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 10 July 2002)
• UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead/ (last updated 17 December 2002)
  
• Film/TV/CD Archive: 625 CDs, 2721 films (288 on DVD) and 9610 TV shows (538 on DVD), totalling 12331 items, at 30 December 2002
  
  • http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/lists.zip (Windows) or
  • http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/lists.tar.gz (Linux).

WORKS IN PROGRESS

The Irregular Archive Project - all issues of The Lamont Times through TFIr plus goodies, on a CD-ROM with an HTML/raytraced graphical interface (which may bear a superficial - and purely coincidental - resemblance to a onetime-real office):

Missing Lamont Times #5, Irregular #12 and TFIr #3.09.
Graphical interface: development status page last updated 2 October 2002
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/wip/archive/office/

Text adventures:

All at Sea: - planned release: Spring 2003 but don't hold your breath ;)
The Night Before Christmas: - planned release: Winter 2003 (by which time we should have finally got the Linux switchover finished and been able to get on with it...)

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

We hope you had a good festive season, and have a prosperous (and fun!) 2003.

We've slightly altered the privacy and distribution information on the subscription page (http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/tfir/tfir-subs.htm). The new details are:

• Family suitability: We try not to print anything overly explicit in TFIr, but you should be aware that its content may not always be suitable for younger children (consider the equivalent of a movie PG/13 rating as a rough guideline).
• Privacy: Only your supplied e-mail address is stored once your subscription has been confirmed. If you unsubscribe or don't confirm your subscription, your address is not retained. We do not share the TFIr mailing list with anyone or use any cookies on the website.
• Automatic removal: If four issues in a row are bounced from your address, the subscription to that address will be cancelled. You can always resubscribe or contact us (tfir@simonlamont.co.uk) if you haven't received an issue you think you should have.

 

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 3 January		-		Oscar Wilde arrived in New York announcing to customs officials that "I have nothing to declare but my genius," 1882. Drinking straw patented by Marvin C. Stone, 1888. J.R.R. Tolkien born, Bloemfontain, South Africa, 1892. Apple Computer incorporated, 1977. Happy birthday to: actress Danica McKellar (28), actor Mel Gibson (47), sports commentator David Vine (67). Admission Day in Alabama (49th state, 1959)
Saturday 4 January		-		Jacob Grimm, folk-tale collector, born, Hanau, Germany, 1785. Nobel literature laureates Albert Camus and T.S. Eliot died, 1960 and 1965 respectively. Donald Campbell killed attempting water speed record, Coniston Water, Cumbria, 1967. Happy birthday to: actress Julia Ormond (38) and actor Matt Frewer (45). Independence Day in Burma (from Britain, 1948). Admission Day in Utah (45th state, 1896)
Sunday 5 January		-		Edward the Confessor died, 1066. James Hetherington arrested in London for having "appeared on a public highway wearing upon his head a tall structure having a shining lustre and calculated to frighten timid people" (the world's first top hat), 1797. Happy birthday to: Sherlock Holmes, actress Heather Paige Kent (34), musician Marilyn Manson (34), former BBC newsreader Jan Leeming (61), writer Umberto Eco (71) and actor Robert Duvall (72). Twelfth Night - make sure your decorations are down.
Monday 6 January		-		Merrill Lynch stock brokerage firm founded, 1914. Cricketer Don Bradman debuted for New South Wales, scoring 452 runs in his first innings, 1930. Jimmy Carter saw a UFO, 1969. Happy birthday to: actress Joey Lauren Adams (32), domestic goddess Nigella Lawson (43), actor/comedian Rowan Atkinson (48) and actress Sylvia Syms (69). Epiphany. Admission Day in New Mexico (47th state, 1912)
Tuesday 7 January		-		Galileo discovered the four major Jovian moons, 1610. Patent granted for the typewriter, 1714 (although it would not be built for some time). Saint Bernadette of Lourdes born, 1844. First issue of Tarzan comic strip published, 1929. Happy birthday to: actors Doug E. Doug (33) and Nicolas Cage (39), US TV presenter Katie Couric (46), actress Erin Gray (53) and singer Kenny Loggins (55). Nanakusa no sekku (Seven Herbs Festival) in Japan.
Wednesday 8 January		-		Battle of New Orleans, 1815. Norton I, Emperor of the US, Protector of Mexico, died, 1880. Elvis Presley born, 1935, and sued Priscilla for divorce, 1973. Happy birthday to: actress Sarah Polley (24), musicians R. Kelly (36) and David Bowie (56), physicist Stephen Hawking (61) and singer Shirley Bassey (65). Women's Day in Greece. Battle of New Orleans Day in Louisiana and Massachusetts.
Thursday 9 January		-		Daguerrotype photographic process announced, 1839. Jennie Jerome (later Lady Churchill) born, 1854. Richard Nixon born, 1913. Stripper Gypsy Rose Lee born, 1914. 5.9 earthquake struck New England/Canada. Happy birthday to: actress Imelda Staunton (47), guitarist Jimmy Page (59), singer Joan Baez (62), writer Judith Kranz (66), actor Clive Dunn (83). Day of Sacrifice to Janus in Ancient Rome.

This week, Martin Luther King:

Non-violence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

TOTALLY TRIVIAL

Some trivia to get your teeth into this week. Dentistry dates back at least as far as the Etruscans, who carved false teeth from animal teeth and produced bridge work that was strong enough to eat with around 700 B.C. By the 19th century, when porcelain false teeth were being perfected, dentists were often using human teeth taken from dead soldiers after battles - barrels of teeth were shipped to England during the American Civil War. If you think dentists today have a reputation as pain-givers, in 18th-century Paris Louis XIV suffered at the hands of a particularly overeager tooth-puller who was so severe that when Louis tried to eat soup afterwards it came out of his nose. The drills used by modern dentists spin up to 600 times a second, and next time you're in the dentist's surgery, you might not like to remember that when Thomas Edison created the electric chair to demonstrate his belief in the dangers of alternating current, he wired up a dentist's chair...

FILM QUIZ

A sporting selection of quotations to kick off the new year. Answers next week or from the regular address.

• I try to understand, learn your native ways. But this baseball, it's so bleedin' boring.
• And this here's the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.
• I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.
• Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
• Oh, yeah, just one little drawback to this delightful winter sport. The high-speed crash. Ooh! That hurt. Always remember, your bones will not break in a bobsled. No, no, no. They shatter.

Last issue's quotations were:

• I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
  -- A Christmas Story
• I realise that when I met you at the turkey curry buffet I was unforgivably rude, and wearing a reindeer jumper.
  -- Bridget Jones' Diary
• We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.
  -- The Santa Clause
• Hey, are you the kind of kid who reads the last page of a mystery first? Who pesters the magician to tell you his tricks? Who sneaks downstairs to peak at his Christmas presents? Noooooooo. Of course you're not.
  -- The Last Starfighter
• Light the lamp, not the rat! Light the lamp, not the rat!
  -- The Muppet Christmas Carol
  
  
• Old McDonald had a farm, ee-aye, ee-aye, oh. And on this farm he shot some guys. Ba-da-bip, ba-da-bing, bang-boom.
  -- The Usual Suspects
• The only thing we had in common was that she was from Iowa, and I had once heard of Iowa.
  -- Field of Dreams
• I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
  -- Annie Hall
• Liverpool can be a lonely place on a Saturday night, and it's only Thursday afternoon.
  -- Yellow Submarine
• You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the reaper.
  -- Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
  

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

AND WE THOUGHT "JUDGE DREDD" WAS UNWATCHABLE... Hong Kong movie "Psychedelic Cop," about an undercover policeman who discovers that he's schizophrenic achieved the dubious distinction of being the biggest flop of 2002, if not of all time, having taken the equivalent of just UKP 26 (about 40 euros/US$45) in its one-week run at a cinema in the city. We'd provide an IMDb link, but it doesn't appear to have one...

CRIMBO CRIMS ROUND-UP. A man who dressed as Father Christmas to ho-ho-hold up a a toll booth (after wishing the attendant a merry Christmas. Further north, Canadian John Fulton, who dresses up as Father Christmas and windsurfs on the Niagara every year to raise money for the homeless was arrested after strong winds blew him off course and onto the American side of the river. He was taken into custody by border patrols and later returned to Canada without penalty. Meanwhile in the notoriously rough Hillbrow district of Johannesburg, South Africa, the now-traditional New Year celebratory throwing of things from balconies left 46 passers-by injured by falling beds, TVs, bottles and rocks. A police spokesman commented that this year's revels had been a lot calmer than in previous years. On the somewhat dumber front, a masked man who took 600 euros (about UKP400/US$640) at gunpoint from a petrol station forgot something that even all children know about - footprints in the snow. Police were shown the direction he had taken by a witness and followed his footprints to a house where they found matching shoes and three men, all of whom were arrested.

VOTERS Vs BLAIR. A not-too-serious poll carried out by the BBC Radio current affairs programme "Today" has found that of the 15,000 respondents 31% wanted Cherie Blair, wife of the Prime Minister, deported, after news of her business links with a convicted conman came to light at the end of 2002. Blair just beat London-based Muslim cleric Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Masri, accused by the U.S. of having links with Osama bin Laden. Another poll carried out at the same time on the question of who should received honorary British citizenship found 51% in favour of Myanmar's pro-democracy opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi, with Bill Clinton in second place (18% of votes) and Saddam Hussein - with 7% - fifth. One of those who voted for the Iraqi leader commented "He will cause far less problems where we can keep an eye on him." Over in America, a Gallup telephone poll of 1009 adults found that former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was more admired than J.Lo, Madeleine Albright or Senator Elizabeth Dole.

THE LAW IS AN ASS. Media giant Viacom Inc. is being sued for at least US$10 million over its "Jackass" TV show and movie in which performers take part in dumb stunts and gross-out acts, but this lawsuit is not connected to the number of Darwin-proving teenagers who have injured or killed themselves copying the stunts; it is being brought for libel and defamation of character by Mr Jack Ass, a Montana man who legally changed his name from Bob Craft in 1997 as part of a personal campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of drunk driving. His website (www.andiass.com) sells t-shirts and other souvenirs as part of his campaign.

IRON CHEF NEVER HAD THIS... When Josh Harper overslept on Christmas morning he realised that his promise to cook his girlfriend lunch was in danger of turning into a late dinner, so he wrapped a turkey breast and vegetables in silver foil and wedged the package under the bonnet of his Vauxhall Corsa before driving the 90 miles to her home in Bristol, England. When he got there he found the food was piping hot and ready to serve. "The spuds were a little firm," he told reporters, "but the turkey was done to a treat."

STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR EYE THIS WEEK: The Gobble Cup we reported on last issue was won by Santa's Little Helper, a 5/1 outsider after 7-2 favourite Sure Thing stopped to peck the ground. Bristol woman enters record books with collection of 2,500 supermarket carrier bags. Youngest Briton (23-year-old Andrew Cooney) to reach the South Pole on foot due to arrive as we go to press (beating 5-day-old record set by 27-year-old Tom Avery). Two short-sighted runners taking part in 50-mile run go missing for 18 hours after forgetting their glasses. Workers cleaning up oil spill from Spanish coast given Christmas wine as a thank-you. 80-year-old woman's cremated remains turned into a diamond stone and presented to her family. US funeral home offered free funeral for fatally drunk drivers on New Year's Eve. Porn pictures found in Barney the Dinosaur musical book. Frenchman arrested for crashing through a road block claimed he was being chased by Martians - passed alcohol test, other tests pending. Raellian cult ("aliens created humans through cloning") claim first cloned baby - but offer no proof. Delhi overrun by thousands of monkeys.

 

ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS

Clint Eastwood considering giving up acting for directing, also suing unauthorised biography for libel. Hugh Grant also considering moving behind the camera. People magazine names Michael Jackson 2002's biggest loser. Tarantino planning Pulp Fiction/Reservoir Dogs prequel featuring both Vincent and Vic Vega. Friends renewed for 10th season with all six leads on board - rumours of movie to follow. Sir Ian McKellen and Michael Gambon latest rumours to take vacant Dumbledore role. Diana Ross arrested for drunk driving. Harry Potter writer J.K. Rowling top female earner in Britain last year ahead of Madonna, the Queen, Weakest Link presenter Anne Robinson and Catherine Zeta Jones. Russell Crowe rumoured to be considering Gladiator sequel (despite Maximus death in the original) Obits: Clash frontman Joe Strummer (50, heart attack), photographer Herb Ritts (50, complications from pneumonia), folk singer/songwriter Jake Thackray (63, unknown causes), former British Film Censor James Ferman (72, acute pneumonia), bluegrass musician James McReynolds (75, cancer), director George Roy Hill (81, Parkinson's), US TV pioneer producer William Orr (85, unknown causes), "Dial M For Murder" playwright Frederick Knott (88, natural causes), novelist Mary Wesley (90, natural causes)

 

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

A bit of Flash fun to start the new year with - the original news story may have been both bizarre and sad, but MadBlast's "Michael Jackson Baby Drop" game is just plain fun. Catch the babies, avoid the spiders, and play it before Jacko tries to get it dropped from the site...

http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=1804

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

4, 18, 19, 25, 34, 40

 

AND FINALLY...

A Dictionary Of Dating

• ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
• LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
• DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• BIRTH CONTROL: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive people.
• EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
• EYE CONTACT: A method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
• FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with them totally unappealing.
• INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
• INTERESTING: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
• IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
• LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
• NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
• SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.