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Volume 7, Number 16
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28 March 2003
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TFIr #172
Edited by and copyright ©2003 Simon Lamont
tfir@simonlamont.co.uk
TFIr ONLINE
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Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV/CD archive lists (the latter are now only available as a zip due to their size):
- FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 19 March 2003)
- UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead/ (last updated 25 March 2002)
- Film/TV/CD Archive: 630 CDs, 2765 films (316 on DVD) and 9791 TV shows (549 on DVD), totalling 12556 items, at 15 March 2003
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Friday 28 March - Raphael, artist, born, 1483. Washing machine patent granted to Nathan Briggs, 1794. Crimean War started, 1854. Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford married, 1920. Virginia Woolf died, 1941. The last German V rocket landed in Britain, 1945. Happy birthday to: actress Julia Stiles (22), actor Chris Barrie (43), actress Dianne Wiest (55), politician Neil Kinnock (61), broadcaster Michael Parkinson (68) Saturday 29 March - First recorded sighting of Halley's comet, 239BC. Royal Albert Hall opened in London, 1871. "Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage" Coca-Cola created, 1886. Captain Scott made his final diary entry, 1912. Inge Simonsen won the first London Marathon, 1981. Production of the Sinclair C5 electric vehicle suspended, 1985. Happy birthday to: actress Lucy Lawless (35), model Elle Macpherson (40), Python Eric Idle, composer Vangelis and former prime minister John Major (all 60), composer Richard Rodney Bennett (66). Youth Day in Taiwan. Vietnam Veterans Day in the USA. Swedish Colonial Day in Delaware.
Sunday 30 March - "Black Beauty" author Anna Sewell, born, 1820. End of the Crimean War, 1856. America bought Alaska for 2c/acre from Russia, 1867. John Hinckley Jr shot Ronald Reagan, 1981. Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother, died, 2002. Happy birthday to: musician Norah Jones (24), Celine Dion (35), actress Juliet Landau (38), actor Robbie Coltrane (53), musician Eric Clapton (58), actor Warren Beatty (66), entertainer Rolf Harris (73). Doctors' Day in the USA. Mothers' Day in Britain.
Monday 31 March - Poet John Donne died, 1631. Chemist Robert von Bunsen born, 1811. Charlotte Bronte died, 1855. Eiffel Tower inaugurated, 1889. Racehorse Red Rum retired after his third Grand National win, 1978. Olympic champion Jesse Owens died, 1980. Writer/comedian Barry Took died, 2002. Happy birthday to: actor Ewan McGregor (32), former US Vice-President Al Gore (55), actress Rhea Perlman (55), actor Christopher Walken (60), Tijuana brass bandleader Herb Alpert (68). Freedom Day in Malta.
Tuesday 1 April - Composer Sergei Rachmaninoff born, 1873. Ragtime musician Scott Joplin died, 1917. Royal Air Force formed, 1918. US assault on Okinawa began, 1945. Soul singer Marvin Gaye shot dead, 1984. Canadian map redrawn to include Nunavut (Inuit territory), 1999. Happy birthday to: S Clubber Hannah Spearritt (22), actor/presenter Philip Schofield (41), actresses Jennifer Runyon (43) and Annette O'Toole (49), cricketer David Gower (45), director Barry Sonnenfeld (50), actress Debbie Reynolds (71). Constitution Day in Anguilla. National holiday in Burma. April Fool's Day.
Wednesday 2 April - Charlemagne born, 742. Casanova born, 1725. Polar explorer Sir James Clark Ross died, 1862. Telegraphist Samuel Morse died, 1872. Actor Sir Alec Guinness born, 1914. RADAR patent granted to Watson Watt, 1935. Happy birthday to: soccer player Teddy Sheringham (37), athlete Linford Christie (43), musician Emmylou Harris (56), writer Sue Townsend (57), actress Penelope Keith (63). Pascua Florida Day in Florida.
Thursday 3 April - Poet George Herbert born, 1593. Writer Washington Irving born, 1783. Gilbert & Sullivan promoter Richard D'Oyly Carte, died, 1901. Composer Kurt Weill died, 1950. Happy birthday to: actress Jennie Garth (31), actors Eddie Murphy (42) and David Hyde Pierce (44), snooker player John Virgo (57), entertainer Wayne Newton (61), primate researcher Jane Goodall (69), politicians Helmut Kohl (73) and Tony Benn (78), actress/singer Doris Day and actor Marlon Brando (both 79)
THE WISDOM OF...
This week, Thomas Babington Macaulay:
The object of oratory alone is not truth, but persuasion.
TOTALLY TRIVIAL
Cheers! Some port trivia this week. In the same way that real champagne can only come from the Champagne region of France, true port can only come from Portugal - specifically the Douro Valley in the north of the country. So what is port? Basically, it's a fortified wine - a wine that has had spirits added to it to stop the fermentation process after just a few days and bring the alcohol level up to 17-22% - regular wine is typically no more than around 11%. It is believed that port was invented by accident about 300 years ago when sailing ships brought Portuguese wine to England, and a means of stabilising the drink for the lengthy voyages needed to be found, so brandy was added to it. The name "port" comes from Oporto, from where the ships sailed. Today the brandy has been replaced with grape spirit to give a more natural and sweeter taste,. the time at which the spirit is added being very precisely set to a window of just a few hours. Instead of a single grape variety being used for port, as it is with most wines, several varieties are usually blended together once the fermentation has been stopped. Port is then stored in wooden casks and aged for some years - 2-3 for a typical ruby or tawny port, 4-6 for "late bottled vintage" and up to 40 years for aged tawny port. Most producers have a speciality "character" or signature blend - for example Cockburn's produce Special Reserve, which is a blend of five different ruby ports aged for up to 6 years. While modern table port is ageing it is generally transferred between casks several times to remove the sediment and negate the need for the consumer to decant it after purchase. Traditionally seen in Britain as a "red" after-dinner drink for men, port is often drunk as an aperitif in Portugal and France, can be white, and has become increasingly popular with women. Modern ports can be drunk chilled or with ice, as well as at the traditional room temperature.
[Want us to find trivia on a particular subject? Mail your request to tfir@simonlamont.co.uk - we can't promise to use your suggestion, but if we do, you'll be credited.]
FILM QUIZ
A mixed bag of quotations this week. Answers next week or from the regular address.
- You are right, I have always known about man. From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself.
- Otto tried to k-k-kiss me.
- Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to baste the turkey and hide the kitchen knives.
- Sell that. I figure it'll fetch us enough to get a decent used auto-voiture, and a little left over besides. That takes care of transport, I don't know how I'm to keep my coiffure in order.
- "For June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her." Some people do spend their whole lives together.
Last issue's quotations were:
- My body is a roadmap of pain.
-- The Frighteners- Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
-- Dr Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb- No offence, but NASA spends fifteen years, hundreds of millions of dollars so that we can watch man walk on the moon and in the end it falls to you blokes! I mean, how do you feel about that?
-- The Dish- The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion.
-- Ferris Beuller's Day Off- The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!
-- The Princess Bride
WEIRD WORLD NEWS
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
DUMB CRIMS (AND COPS)... Austrian police officer fined for cutting the phone lines at his station so he could sleep off a hangover without being disturbed by emergency calls. Shoplifter who stole a pair of socks charged with armed robbery because he took his dog with him, and it bit a store detective. 42-year-old Romanian broke into a pub through a skylight, stuffed his pockets with money from the till, then decided to sample the more expensive drinks behind the bar, after which he fell asleep and was found by the landlord the next morning, who called the police - after writing out the bill. A Vancouver girl who decided that racing downhill in a shopping trolley would be fun suffered a broken shoulder and heavy grazing from the tarmac after the cart crashed while speeding downhill at 45mph.
TROUBLE WITH TRIFFIDS... A 63-year-old German called the police after hearing what sounded like gun shots which he thought were from someone targeting a nearby speed control system. The officers who arrived also heard the bangs and went to investigate, only to find that the culprit was a large wisteria plant in the man's garden, with big seed pods that explode open to blast their seeds across a wide area every spring.
{{{{GEORGE, TONY AND SADDAM}}}} Antoine Denert, mayor of Kruibeke, a small town in Belgium, has set up an official Department of Tenderness to encourage people to be nice to each other. "People don't cuddle anymore and that's the reason why there are so many conflicts," he told local reporters, adding that he hoped national and international Tenderness institutes would follow. "Why not change the Ministry of Defence into the Ministry of Tenderness. The war in Iraq would never have started." Denert also announced that he planned to set an example by "caressing, cuddling and kissing as many people as possible."
TESTING TIMES... 39-year-old Belinda Harrell, of Derby, England, passed her driving test last week, following 350 lessons and 21 attempts, at a cost of over UKP6000 (US$9400) since she started learning in October 1998. After failing her fist test in February 1999 by hitting the kerb during a three-point turn she went on to fail on "everything it was possible to fail on," she told The Sun newspaper. As a reward for finally succeeding, her husband Chris presented her with a new Peugeot 206.
WEIRD WAR NEWS... Irish-American group unable to march in New York's St. Patrick's Day parade because their banner included outline map of County Monaghan, Eire, which bears a striking similarity to an outline map of Iraq. US soldier heads out to Gulf after legally changing his name to "Optimus Prime" after the 80s Transformer toy. Reruns of sitcom "Friends" getting more US viewers than war coverage (which in estimated to cost the networks US$5-20 million per day). Camera-carrying trained dolphins being used to hunt for mines off Iraq. Air Force One chefs rename French toast as Freedom toast. Ohio State University students stage "Freedom kissing" marathon to protest against war [we don't know if it's a genuine protest or just tongue-in-cheek - Ed]. Rio de Janeiro declares George W Bush persona non grata as their protest. Thai hotel protests by banning American tourists. Pro-Saddam memorabilia sales soaring in the Gaza Strip. British soldier hit by three bullets, all stopped by his helmet. U.S. Army commander General Tommy Franks forgot his wedding anniversary this year. UK ISP Freeserve reports that war has become the most frequently searched for subject by their customers, surpassing sex, travel and Britney Spears. Iran-based Iraqi opposition leader claims Saddam died in 1996, all appearances since have been doubles.
STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR EYE THIS WEEK: "Muggle" (from Harry Potter) to be added to the Oxford English Dictionary (to describe someone foolishly inexperienced). Japanese company claims to have device which "translates" dog barks. Some absurdly politically-correct British councils considering banning hot cross buns from schools so as not to offend non-Christians. Norwegian priest offering day of free weddings to encourage people to get married. Drug dealers in Copenhagen's Christiana "free city" hippy colony went on strike Wednesday to protest government plans to demolish the 75-acre compound. 25-year-old software engineer wins record US$39m (UKP25m) Las Vegas slot machine payout. Los Angeles nuns win US$78,000 (UKP50,000) on the horses to help fund their elementary school.
ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS
Never mind the Oscars, Madonna got her fifth Worst Actress Razzie award (shared this year with Britney Spears) and the worst supporting actress award for "Swept Away" and "Die Another Day" respectively. "Swept Away" also took worst film, worst remake, worst screen couple and worst director for Guy Ritchie. Spears also took worst original song. "Attack of the Clones" took worst supporting actor (Haydn Christensen) and worst screenplay. Roberto Benigni won worst actor for "Pinocchio." John Lennon's childhood home opened to the public. J.K. Rowling gave birth to a son, Sunday - called David (not Harry...). Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg sued for using voicemail message in a song. Rumours: Plenty of tickets still available for Celine Dion's Vegas show. Obits: British TV producer Sue Ayling (57), musician/joker Fritz Spiegl (77), Robert Bourque, co-inventor of the Zoltar fortune-telling machine (82), Brazilian novelist Geraldo Franca de Lima (89).
WEBSITE OF THE WEEK
Visitors to the Daily Irregular over the last few days will have seen a link to the SETI@home project, which uses volunteers' home computers to analyse data from radio telescopes for possible signals from alien intelligences. This week's site is a parody of that.
THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
8, 21, 24, 34, 35, 42
You can consult Madame Jennifer online at the Daily Irregular:
AND FINALLY...
The only problem
with haiku is that you just
get started and then
...end of line