TFIr ONLINE

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The Daily Irregular, TFIr back issues and Irregular goodies can be found at

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Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV/CD archive lists (the latter are now only available as a zip due to their size):

• FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 19 March 2003)
• UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead/ (last updated 25 March 2002)
  
• Film/TV/CD Archive: 630 CDs, 2765 films (316 on DVD) and 9791 TV shows (549 on DVD), totalling 12556 items, at 15 March 2003
  
  • http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/lists.zip
    
    

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 4 April	-	Francis Drake knighted aboard the Golden Hind, 1581. Inventor Sir William Siemens born, 1823. Actor Anthony Perkins born, 1932. North Atlantic Treaty signed, 1949. First Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament march set off from London's Hyde Park Corner to Aldermaston, 1958. Happy birthday to: illusionist David Blaine (30), actress Xenia Seeberg (31), writer/director Jennifer Chambers Lynch (35), TV presenter/comedian Graham Norton (40), TV writer/producer David E. Kelley (47), writer/actress Maya Angelou (75). Independence Day in Senegal.
Saturday 5 April	-	Pocahontas and John Rolfe married, 1614. Sunday School pioneer Robert Raikes died, 1811. Actor Nigel Hawthorne born, 1929. Howard Hughes, aviator, film producer and recluse, died, 1976. Sir Arthur "Bomber" Harris, RAF Marshal, died, 1984. Happy birthday to: actor Mitch Pileggi (51), musician Agnetha Faltskog (53), actress/cake baker Jane Asher (57), director Peter Greenaway (61), US Secretary of State Colin Powell (66)
Sunday 6 April	-	Sir Francis Walsingham, spymaster and statesman, died, 1590. The Battle of Shiloh, 1862. First animated cartoon copyrighted, 1906. USA declared war on Germany, 1917. First successful circumnavigation flight began, 1926. Composer Igor Stravinsky died, 1971. Isaac Asimov died, 1992. Happy birthday to: actress Ari Meyers (34), comedian Rory Bremner (42), musician Christopher Franke (50), actor John Ratzenberger (56)
Monday 7 April	-	Highwayman Dick Turpin executed, 1739. Cornflake inventor William K. Kellogg born, 1860. Showman Phineas T. Barnum died, 1891. Prohibition ended in the USA, 1933. Car-maker Henry Ford died, 1947. World Health Organisation established, 1948. Sir Clive Sinclair sold his computer business to Amstrad, 1986. Happy birthday to: actor Jack Black (34), TV presenter Michaela Strachan (37), actor Gordon Kaye (62), actor Andrew Sachs (73). United Nations' World Health Day. Verrazano Day in New York, commemorating Giovanni da Verrazano's 1524 discovery of New York Harbor
Tuesday 8 April	-	Artist El Greco died, 1614. Elevator pioneer Elisha Otis died, 1861. Silent film star and studio cofounder Mary Pickford born, 1893. King Zog of Albania abdicated, 1939. Final meeting of The League of Nations, 1946. Pablo Picasso died, 1973. Happy birthday to: actress Emma Caulfield (30), TV presenter Jenny Powell and actress Patricia Arquette (both 35), musician Julian Lennon (40), visual effects pioneer Doug Trumbull (61). Buddha's Birthday celebrated in Japan and Korea.
Wednesday 9 April	-	Isambard Kingdom Brunel born, 1806. Dante Gabriel Rossetti died, 1882. War poet Edward Thomas killed in action, 1917. ENIAC co-inventor John Presper Eckert born, 1919. Germany invaded Denmark and Norway, 1950. First issue of TV Guide, 1953. Architect Frank Lloyd Wright died, 1959. Happy birthday to: soccer player Robbie Fowler (28), actress Cynthia Nixon (37), golfer Severiano Ballesteros (46), actor Dennis Quaid (49), actress Hannah Gordon (62)
Thursday 10 April	-	Bananas first sold in Britain, 1633. First British settlers arrived in South Africa, 1820. First Hawaiian hotel opened, 1825. Salvation Army founder William Booth born, 1829. Patent granted for the safety pin, 1849. "House of Wax," first 3-D movie opened, 1953. Movie pioneer August Lumiere died, 1954. Happy birthday to: musicians Mandy Moore (19), Liz McClarnon (22) and Sophie Ellis-Bextor (24), actors Steven Seagal (52) and Omar Sharif (71). Founder's Day celebrated by the Salvation Army.

This week, George Orwell:

Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.

TOTALLY TRIVIAL

We're going the distance this week with some measurement history. Ignoring metrication for a minute, let's look at the mile, which measures 5,280 feet and derives its name from the Latin "mille pasuum" meaning "a thousand paces." As you might have guessed, its origin lies with the Romans, for whom a pace was five foot-lengths, so a mile was 5,000 feet. But, one may well ask, where did the extra 280 feet come from? Well, the Britons had their own unit of measurement, the furlong, set as the straight distance a horse could pull a plough without resting. The furlong measured 660 feet. When it was decided to incorporate the mile into standard measurements, it was realised that at just 5,000 feet, against 5,280 feet for 8 furlongs, converting property deeds to Roman miles would be a headache, so the mile was redefined to be 5,280 feet. While America and most 30+ Britons still use miles, the metric system (based on the metre, defined as the distance travelled by light in a vacuum during 1/299,792,458th of a second) has replaced miles with kilometres - as a rough guide 8 kilometres is equivalent to 5 miles. Then there are nautical miles - which, fortunately for those Roman soldiers and English farmhorses, are nothing to do with swimming distance. A nautical mile was originally defined as the length of one minute of arc taken along a "great circle" - a bisection of the Earth through its core, but because the Earth is not a perfect sphere the nautical mile had various values assigned to it, before the international standard of 1852 meters, or 6076.1 feet, was adopted.

[Want us to find trivia on a particular subject? Mail your request to tfir@simonlamont.co.uk - we can't promise to use your suggestion, but if we do, you'll be credited.]

FILM QUIZ

A mixed bag of quotations this week. Answers next week or from the regular address.

• Excluding the possibility that a female Scandinavian Olympian was running around outside our house last night, what else could it have been?
• If you've seen one Computer Electronics Show, you've seen them all.
• I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.
• In the event of a water landing, I have been designed to act as a flotation device.
• Fire! Fire! Time to practice that age old tradition of self preservation, because THIS BUILDING'S ON FIRE!

Last issue's quotations were:

• You are right, I have always known about man. From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself.
  -- Planet of the Apes (1968)
• Otto tried to k-k-kiss me.
  -- A Fish Called Wanda
• Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to baste the turkey and hide the kitchen knives.
  -- The House of Yes
• Sell that. I figure it'll fetch us enough to get a decent used auto-voiture, and a little left over besides. That takes care of transport, I don't know how I'm to keep my coiffure in order.
  -- O Brother, Where Art Thou?
• "For June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her." Some people do spend their whole lives together.
  -- Notting Hill
  
  

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

DUMB CRIMS... Brazilian man asks police to arrest him for non-payment of alimony. After almost hitting a child, driving on the wrong side of the road and crashing his car, all on the same journey, 83-year-old Belgian farmer Arsene Rogiers was fined, banned from driving for two weeks and banned from driving outside his village for life. American shoots at drive-through fast food window after the manager refused to change his straight fries for curlies because he had started eating them. 30-year-old Andrew Roxberry refused to speak, even to confirm his identity, when he appeared in court last week, charged with criminal damage after being caught on CCTV cameras smashing shop windows in Cardiff city centre, dressed only in his underpants. He was remanded in custody and the case adjourned pending a psychiatrist report.

SPACE MAN. Steve Bennett, who hopes to become Britain's first amateur astronaut, revealed his latest capsule to the press this week. The single-seat Nova II will be dropped unmanned over the Red Lake Drop Zone in Arizona to test its landing systems and equipment, after which - if successful - a manned test will be performed soon after. If all goes well, Bennett's Starchaser company will then build their three-man Thunderbird rocket with a launch date sometime in 2005, some twelve years after Bennett decided to move from hobbyist rockets to attempting his ultimate ambition. If Thunderbird is successful, Starchaser will likely win the X-Prize, US$10m awarded by a private group to the first non-governmental body to launch three astronauts into space and return them safely to earth.

SSSMOKIN'! Since legislation became law on Sunday, it is illegal to smoke in almost every bar and restaurant in New York City, but the Serafino Sandro restaurant has come up with a way to help the tobacco addict get through dinner - co-owners Fabio Granato and Vittorio Assaf, with cigar-loving chef Sandro Fioriti, have produced a menu of tobacco-infused dishes, including tobacco gnocci, filet mignon in a tobacco-wine sauced (garnished with dried tobacco) and a tobacco panna cotta dessert, all washed down by a glass of tobacco-infused grappa. "It tastes better than smoking," Granato commented, while Assaf praised New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg for prompting them to invent the dishes. Some other restaurants and bars have taken to handing out free nicotine patches, and the Trump World Tower's World Bar has produced a Manhattan cocktail variation that they claim tastes like a cigarette.

WEIRD WAR NEWS... Poet Laureate Andrew Motion writes antiwar poem. Satirical Saddam documentary (by a French journalist) released on DVD in the US. German fined 900 euros (UKP600, US$900) for "condoning terrorism" by naming his baby Osama bin Laden. After their website was repeatedly hacked, Arab news TV channel al-Jazeera launches SMS news service. US & UK troops swapping "salvaged" memorabilia from insignias to weapons. Award-winning Catalan writer Terenci Moix who died this week forbade Spain's ruling politicians from attending his funeral in protest at their allegiance to the US over the war. Rather desperate-sounding explanation of the origins of "French's" mustard posted on their website.

[We confess. Surprisingly nobody queried this, which either says a lot about us or even more about Ohio university students, but the "Freedom-kissing" marathon mentioned last week was fictitious.]

STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR EYE THIS WEEK: Trial of alleged "coughing" cheats on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" interrupted... by sick jurors' coughing. "Colossal" squid - an order of magnitude larger than the more famous Giant Squid - picked up in trawler net off Antarctica. 500lb (220kg) of marijuana washed ashore on Florida beaches. Californian Roman Catholic diocese suing Boston diocese over who should pay compensation after sexual abuse scandals. Paul McCartney asked to keep the noise down for a Rome concert so as not to disturb the Pope. Hong Kong residents forced to wear facemasks to combat SARS turn them into fashion items with a multitude of colours and patterns.

ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS

Peter Jackson to follow Lord of the Rings trilogy with King Kong remake. Queen's "A Night at the Opera" voted ultimate album to own. New Radiohead tracks pirated online eight weeks before release date. Warner Bros/Stan Lee launching tongue-in-cheek reality gameshow "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?" Jeff Daniels, Patricia Heaton to star in updated "The Goodbye Girl" TV movie. Original "Wild Wild West" actor Robert Conrad arrested for drunk driving after car crash. J.K. Rowling win legal challenge to block Russian "parody" Tanya Grotter novel. Russell Crowe wedding on Monday. Sharon Osbourne declared free of cancer. Hugh Grant wants to take a break from acting to start a family, just needs to find the right woman. New CEO of Sony Music predicts up to 15% fall in global music sales this year. Liv Tyler, Spacehog's Royston Langdon marry. Alias/Daredevil star Jennifer Garner, husband, separated. Obits: Cantonese pop star/actor Leslie Cheung (46), actor Michael Jeter (50), "Lorenzo's Oil" screenwriter Nick Enright (52), soul singer Edwin Starr (61), author Paul Zindel (66), filmmaker Manfred Durniok (68), writer/director Sebastien Japrisot (71), composer Edwin Carr (76), "Mr Accordion" Roy Bertelli (92)

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

So what have you accomplished so far? This week's site will tell you things other people accomplished when they were your age.

http://www.museumofconceptualart.com/accomplished/index.html

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

13, 22, 33, 36, 44, 45

You can consult Madame Jennifer online at the Daily Irregular:

http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

AND FINALLY...

A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny scene the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying. This goes on throughout the entire film, the dog laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and approaches the dog owner in the foyer afterwards, telling him how amazing it was that the dog reacted like that to the movie. "It certainly was," the dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"