The Friday Irregular

Volume 7, Number 22

9 May 2003

TFIr #178

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Who is the Editor? So far as we know there's no Malkovichian portal into his brain, but there is the Frequently-Asked-Questions (FAQ) file, the UndeadCam and the Film/TV/CD archive lists (the latter are now only available as a zip due to their size):

FAQ: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/scblfaq.htm (last updated 10 April 2003)

UndeadCam: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/undead/ (last updated 4 May 2002)

Film/TV/CD Archive: http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/scblbiog/lists.zip - 630 CDs, 2783 films (325 on DVD) and 9909 TV shows (557 on DVD), totalling 12692 items, at 30 April 2003.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 9 May - Joseph Bramah granted British patent for the beer-pump handle. John Brown, abolitionist, born, 1800. Howard Carter, discoverer of King Tut's tomb, born, 1873. West Germany accepted into NATO, 1955. Apple previewed System 7.0 to developers, 1989. US District Judge Mariana Pfaelzer accepted a revised plea-bargain for hacker Kevin Mitnick, 1989. Happy birthday to: Actresses Rosario Dawson (24) & Hudson Leick (34), musician Billy Joel (54), MP & former actress Glenda Jackson (67), Watership Down author Richard Adams (83), Sir Denis Thatcher (88). Victory Day (over Nazi Germany) in Russia & Poland. Liberation Day (from Nazi occupation) in the Channel Islands.

Saturday 10 May - Louis XV of France (r. 1715-74), died, 1774. Optical pioneer Augustin-Jean Fresnel born, 1788. Transcontinental railroad completed, Promontory Point, Utah, 1869. Actor/dancer Fred Astaire born, 1889. Explorer Sir Henry Stanley died, 1904. NewTek announced the Video Toaster for the Amiga, 1989. Nelson Mandela became South Africa's first black president, 1994. Happy birthday to: Actress Sally Phillips (33), model Linda Evangelista (38), musician Bono (43), actress Victoria Rowell (43), musician Donovan (57), historian Lucinda Lambton (60) Native American Day in the US. Mother's Day in Guatemala & Mexico. Confederate Memorial Day in North and South Carolina.

Sunday 11 May - First US fire insurance policy issued, Philadelphia, 1752. Prime Minister Spencer Perceval assassinated in the House of Commons, 1812. Artist Salvador Dali born, 1904. Patent for computer core memory granted to Jay Forrester, 1951. Final edition of The Daily Sketch, Britain's oldest tabloid newspaper (founded 1909), 1971. Douglas Adams died, 2001. Happy birthday to: actress/singer Holly Valance (20), model Laetitia Casta (25), snooker player John Parrott (39), actresses Natasha Richardson (40) & Frances Fisher (51), political interviewer Jeremy Paxman (53). Bob Marley Day in Jamaica. Admission Day (32nd state, 1858) in Minnesota.

Monday 12 May - Nonsense poet Edward Lear born, 1812. Nursing pioneer Florence Nightingale born, 1820. Pre-Raphaelite Dante Gabriel Rossetti born, 1828. Alcoholics Anonymous founded by William Wilson, 1935. Coronation of George VI & Queen Elizabeth, 1937. Poet John Masefield died, 1967. European Community Directorate revealed that hackers from various countries had infiltrated their computer network, 1989. Labour Party leader John Smith died, 1994. Happy birthday to: actor Christian Campbell (31), director Sofia Coppola (32), actress Samantha Mathis (33), actors Bruce Boxleitner & Gabriel Byrne (both 53), comedian Bob Carolgees (55), agony aunt Dr Miriam Stoppard (66), Composer Burt Bacharach (75)

Tuesday 13 May - Dante born, 1265. English colonists landed to found Jamestown, 1607. US declared war on Mexico, 1846. Institute for Electrical & Electronics Engineers (IEEE) founded, 1884. German economy collapsed, 1927. Turk Mehmet Ali Hagca shot Pope John Paul II four times, 1981. Happy birthday to: actress Imogen Boorman (32), broadcaster Selina Scott & newspaper editor Rosie Boycott (both 52), musicians Peter Gabriel & Stevie Wonder (both 53), actress Zoë Wanamaker (54), actor Harvey Keitel (64). Leprechaun Day in the US. Linnédagen (Linnaeus' birthday) in Sweden.

Wednesday 14 May - Henry III defeated by the barons at Lewes, 1264. Gail Borden applied for patent for making condensed milk, 1853. Dramatist August Strindberg died, 1912. State of Israel proclaimed, 1948. Petrol rationing (as a result of the Suez crisis) ended in Britain, 1957. Skylab space station launched, 1973. Happy birthday to: musician Martine McCutcheon (27), actress Cate Blanchett (34), presenter Emma Forbes (38), actor Tim Roth (42), Talking Heads' David Byrne (51), Hammer actress Yutte Stensgaard (57), original Jedi George Lucas (59), yachtsman Chay Blyth (63), actress Sian Phillips (69). Kamuza Day in Malawi.

Thursday 15 May - James Puckle patented the machine gun, 1718. Actor Edmund Kean died, 1833. Pierre Curie, physicist, born, 1859. poet Emily Dickinson died, 1886. Iowan Miss Eleen Church became the first air hostess, 1930. Final Mercury spaceflight ("Faith 7") launched, 1963. Artist Edward Hopper died, 1967. Actress Rita Heyworth died, 1987. Happy birthday to: newsreader Sophie Raworth (35), musician Mike Oldfield (50), 70s TV Spiderman Nicholas Hammond (53), musician Brian Eno (55), cartoonist Ralph Steadman (67). Independence Day in Paraguay.

THE WISDOM OF...

This week, in honour of Joseph Bramah (9 May, above), a word or two from Frank Zappa:
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

FILM QUIZ

A mixed bag of quotations this week. Answers next week or from the regular address.

Rescue the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy, save the world.

There's that word again; "heavy". Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth's gravitational pull?

Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop-heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow.

He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting lightbulb.

We need to open another bottle of vodka. It seems that you put most of the last bottle in your mouth.

Last issue's literary lines were:

The first boy I ever kissed ended up in a coma for three weeks.
-- X Men

- I'm only one man.
- Not from the back.
-- The Flintstones

- Where'd you learn artificial respiration?
- French class, kid.
-- Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Certainly in the tospy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.
-- This is Spinal Tap

I crap bigger than you!
-- City Slickers

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

DUMB CRIMS... A 20-year-old conscript in the Russian army stole a truck and broke out of his base, 120 miles outside Moscow, only to be apprehended by police on the other side of the city. His motive became clear when he told officers that he was homesick and heading for Rybinsk, 150 miles further north to see his mother; he had gone through Moscow because he "wanted to see the capital." A 38-year-old tone-deaf Italian was arrested after stealing an ambulance so he could use the siren to serenade his girlfriend - her neighbours called the police because of the noise, and another Italian, given a 72-hour home leave from jail, called the prison asking them to take him back again after a blazing row erupted within minutes of being reunited with his wife. A Pennsylvania man is believed to have been attempting to blow up his wife, who was divorcing him, when he died in an explosion on Monday. He had placed at least six 3.5- and 5-gallon open buckets of petrol in his car and was driving towards her place of work when he ignited the gasoline too early, coming to a stop as he hit a parked car some 30 feet from the pharmacy where she was employed.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH A GOOD BOOK? Microsoft's MSN research division has developed an Internet-enabled portable toilet - called the iLoo - which is equipped with a wireless keyboard and adjustable plasma-screen monitor in front of the user. They also claim to be negotiating with toilet paper companies over producing paper with URLs printed on it that the user can look up. The system will also have an external "Hotmail station" with a waterproof keyboard and plasma screen for people to use while queuing. Here at Lamont Towers we always suspected that Microsoft were experts when it came to talking a load of cra...[Get on with the the next item. - Ed.]

NOW THIS TAKES THE BISCUIT... Psychologist Gladeana McMahon has published her findings on the significance of businesspeople's choice of biscuit, after studying boardroom and office habits. Among her findings is that the more creative and imaginative workers prefer Jaffa Cakes, Hob Nobs indicate dynamism (or a penchant for schoolboy humour), the calm team leader might well bite into a Rich Tea biscuit, while technical or financial specialists tend towards Digestives. The number of biscuits taken is also significant, from the single biscuit of the conformist through the confident taker of two to the competitive colleague who snatches three.

SARS BRAS. With the threat of the Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) virus at the third highest level in the world after China and Hong Kong, villagers near Tainin in Southern Taiwan, faced with a shortage of surgical face masks have come up with their own solution - bras. In a local underwear factory workers cut the bras in half and add extra straps to each cup to create makeshift masks, available in a number of sizes and colours.

STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR EYE THIS WEEK: Alitalia pilot on flight from Rome to Israel mistakenly announces "Welcome to Palestine" to passengers after landing. British man demonstrated pipe bomb to friends by holding it in his mouth and lighting the fuse... Latest narcotic fad in India - scorpion stings. Two Dublin schools using SMS text messaging to notify parents when their children are truanting. Beer delivery truck used to corral runaway elephant in Manila. Digital TV channel Music Choice's poll for the worst cover performance of a Beatles song went - not surprisingly - to William Shatner's version of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds". After the monster squid (TFIrs passim) comes the jellyfish - new metre-wide deep red coloured species with up to seven fleshy "arms" instead of tentacles observed off Californian coast. Connecticut woman returns 93-years-overdue library book; library directors waive the accumulated US$690 overdue fine.

ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS

Four arrested after copies of yet-to-be-published "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" found in a field. Roger Moore collapses on stage in New York (reported to be in stable condition). British Library releasing recently-discovered voice recordings of J.R.R. Tolkien, Rudyard Kipling, Virginia Woolf and others. German police make first music file-swapping arrests. RIAA & Madonna's flooding of file-sharing networks with phoney tracks may be illegal under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act for encouraging illegal file sharing. Survey finds music swappers more likely to also buy music online or in stores than non-swappers. Games publisher Infogrames changing its name to Atari. ID4/Stargate producer Dean Devlin exec-producing "The Librarian" TV movie about mythical treasures kept guarded under New York Public Library. Latest needless remake - The Ladykillers, with Tom Hanks and Marlon Wayans. Henson family buy back Muppets. X2: X-Men United takes world box office by storm; Matrix Reloaded opening May 15. Rumours: David Hyde-Pierce hints that "Frasier" to end after next season. Obits:storyteller Cecile M. Anthony (56), actress & original supermodel Suzy Parker (69), Italian comic actor Francesco "Ciccio" Ingrassia (80), author Margaret K. Duff (87), composer George Wyle (87).

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

We featured this earlier in the week on the Daily Irregular, but it's so good we had to include it in TFIr too. It's an interactive flash animation about a man trying to escape from reality (move him near the various objects/characters to interact with them).
Fly Guy: http://www.trevorvanmeter.com/flyguy/

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
4, 20, 26, 30, 31 & 36
You can consult Madame Jennifer online at the Daily Irregular:
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

AND FINALLY...

Andy arrived at work one day, limping badly. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh said, "Gosh, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs and put my foot through the TV."

...end of line

Friday 9 May	-	Joseph Bramah granted British patent for the beer-pump handle. John Brown, abolitionist, born, 1800. Howard Carter, discoverer of King Tut's tomb, born, 1873. West Germany accepted into NATO, 1955. Apple previewed System 7.0 to developers, 1989. US District Judge Mariana Pfaelzer accepted a revised plea-bargain for hacker Kevin Mitnick, 1989. Happy birthday to: Actresses Rosario Dawson (24) & Hudson Leick (34), musician Billy Joel (54), MP & former actress Glenda Jackson (67), Watership Down author Richard Adams (83), Sir Denis Thatcher (88). Victory Day (over Nazi Germany) in Russia & Poland. Liberation Day (from Nazi occupation) in the Channel Islands.

Saturday 10 May	-	Louis XV of France (r. 1715-74), died, 1774. Optical pioneer Augustin-Jean Fresnel born, 1788. Transcontinental railroad completed, Promontory Point, Utah, 1869. Actor/dancer Fred Astaire born, 1889. Explorer Sir Henry Stanley died, 1904. NewTek announced the Video Toaster for the Amiga, 1989. Nelson Mandela became South Africa's first black president, 1994. Happy birthday to: Actress Sally Phillips (33), model Linda Evangelista (38), musician Bono (43), actress Victoria Rowell (43), musician Donovan (57), historian Lucinda Lambton (60) Native American Day in the US. Mother's Day in Guatemala & Mexico. Confederate Memorial Day in North and South Carolina.

Sunday 11 May	-	First US fire insurance policy issued, Philadelphia, 1752. Prime Minister Spencer Perceval assassinated in the House of Commons, 1812. Artist Salvador Dali born, 1904. Patent for computer core memory granted to Jay Forrester, 1951. Final edition of The Daily Sketch, Britain's oldest tabloid newspaper (founded 1909), 1971. Douglas Adams died, 2001. Happy birthday to: actress/singer Holly Valance (20), model Laetitia Casta (25), snooker player John Parrott (39), actresses Natasha Richardson (40) & Frances Fisher (51), political interviewer Jeremy Paxman (53). Bob Marley Day in Jamaica. Admission Day (32nd state, 1858) in Minnesota.

Monday 12 May	-	Nonsense poet Edward Lear born, 1812. Nursing pioneer Florence Nightingale born, 1820. Pre-Raphaelite Dante Gabriel Rossetti born, 1828. Alcoholics Anonymous founded by William Wilson, 1935. Coronation of George VI & Queen Elizabeth, 1937. Poet John Masefield died, 1967. European Community Directorate revealed that hackers from various countries had infiltrated their computer network, 1989. Labour Party leader John Smith died, 1994. Happy birthday to: actor Christian Campbell (31), director Sofia Coppola (32), actress Samantha Mathis (33), actors Bruce Boxleitner & Gabriel Byrne (both 53), comedian Bob Carolgees (55), agony aunt Dr Miriam Stoppard (66), Composer Burt Bacharach (75)

Tuesday 13 May	-	Dante born, 1265. English colonists landed to found Jamestown, 1607. US declared war on Mexico, 1846. Institute for Electrical & Electronics Engineers (IEEE) founded, 1884. German economy collapsed, 1927. Turk Mehmet Ali Hagca shot Pope John Paul II four times, 1981. Happy birthday to: actress Imogen Boorman (32), broadcaster Selina Scott & newspaper editor Rosie Boycott (both 52), musicians Peter Gabriel & Stevie Wonder (both 53), actress Zoë Wanamaker (54), actor Harvey Keitel (64). Leprechaun Day in the US. Linnédagen (Linnaeus' birthday) in Sweden.

Wednesday 14 May	-	Henry III defeated by the barons at Lewes, 1264. Gail Borden applied for patent for making condensed milk, 1853. Dramatist August Strindberg died, 1912. State of Israel proclaimed, 1948. Petrol rationing (as a result of the Suez crisis) ended in Britain, 1957. Skylab space station launched, 1973. Happy birthday to: musician Martine McCutcheon (27), actress Cate Blanchett (34), presenter Emma Forbes (38), actor Tim Roth (42), Talking Heads' David Byrne (51), Hammer actress Yutte Stensgaard (57), original Jedi George Lucas (59), yachtsman Chay Blyth (63), actress Sian Phillips (69). Kamuza Day in Malawi.

Thursday 15 May	-	James Puckle patented the machine gun, 1718. Actor Edmund Kean died, 1833. Pierre Curie, physicist, born, 1859. poet Emily Dickinson died, 1886. Iowan Miss Eleen Church became the first air hostess, 1930. Final Mercury spaceflight ("Faith 7") launched, 1963. Artist Edward Hopper died, 1967. Actress Rita Heyworth died, 1987. Happy birthday to: newsreader Sophie Raworth (35), musician Mike Oldfield (50), 70s TV Spiderman Nicholas Hammond (53), musician Brian Eno (55), cartoonist Ralph Steadman (67). Independence Day in Paraguay.