The Friday Irregular
Volume 8, Number 5 (TFIr #187)  --  11 July 2003

Edited by and copyright ©2003 Simon Lamont

tfir@simonlamont.co.uk

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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 11 July -  Robert the Bruce, king of Scotland 1306-29, born, 1274. John Quincy Adams, 6th president of the USA (1825-29), born, 1767. "The Flying Dutchman" sighted by a midshipman (later to be King George V) and others aboard HMS Bacchante off the Cape of Good Hope, 1881. Composer George Gershwin died, 1937. First transatlantic TV transmission by satellite (Telstar I), 1962. Laurence Olivier died, 1989. Happy birthday to: musician Kimberly "Lil' Kim" Jones (28), actor Michael Rosenbaum (31), actresses Debbe Dunning & Irène Jacob (both 37), TV presenter/actress Lisa Rinna (38), musician Suzanne Vega (44). Today is: National Day in Mongolia.
 
Saturday 12 July -  Henry VIII married Catherine Parr, 1543. Oscar Hammerstein, musical lyricist, born, 1895. George Eastman, Kodak founder, born, 1854. Geodesic dome inventor R. Buckminster Fuller born, 1895. Alcatraz Island Disciplinary Barracks abandoned, 1934. Lon Chaney Jr, movie wolf-man, died, 1973. Happy birthday to: musician Gareth Gates (19), actress Anna Friel (27), Olympic figure-skater Kristi Yamaguchi (32), TV presenter Annabel Croft (37), actress Mel Harris (46), former Welsh international rugby player Gareth Edwards (56). Today is: Independence Day in Kiribati. National Independence Day in São Tomé and Principe.
 
Sunday 13 July -  French revolutionary Jean Paul Marat murdered in his bath by Charlotte Corday, 1793. Billy the Kid shot by Pat Garrett, Fort Sumner, New Mexico, 1881. Composer Arnold Schoeberg died, 1951. Artist Frida Kahlo died, 1954. Ruth Ellis became the last woman to be executed in Britain, 1955. Actor Kenneth More died, 1982. Happy birthday to: "Private Eye" editor Ian Hislop (43), former light heavyweight boxing champion Michael Spinks (47), Rubik's Cube inventor Erno Rubik (59), actors Harrison Ford (61) & Patrick Stewart (63), actress Patsy Byrne (70). Today is: The start of the Bon Festival in Japan.
 
Monday 14 July -  Storming of the Bastille, 1789. First public demonstration of mechanically refrigerated ice, 1850. Suffragette Emmeline Pankhurst born, 1858. First ascent of the Matterhorn, 1865. Folk singer Woodie Guthrie born, 1912. King Faisal II of Iraq (r. 1939-58) murdered in Baghdad, 1958. Happy birthday to: former Sony Music president Tommy Mottola & writer Brian Sibley (both 54), broadcaster Sue Lawley (57), director Ingmar Bergman & computer random-access magnetic core memory inventor Jay Wright Forrester (85), former US president (1974-76) Gerald Ford (90). Today is: Bastille Day in France.
 
Tuesday 15 July -  Rembrandt born, 1606. France adopted "La Marseillaise" as its national anthem, 1795. Writers Hammond Innes & Iris Murdoch born, 1919 & 1913 respectively. Robert Wadlow, the world's tallest man (8'11") died, 1940. Actress Margaret Lockwood died, 1990. Happy birthday to: actor Brian Austin Green (30), actress Brigitte Nielsen (40), actor Forrest Whitaker (42), wrestler/actor/Governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura (52) singer Linda Rondstadt (57), guitarist Julian Bream (70). Today is: National Ice Cream Day in the US. Saint Swithun's Day in the UK (If it rains the next 40 days with be wet).
 
Wednesday 16 July -  Kissing banned in England, 1439. Popcorn developer Orville Redenbacher born, 1907. Tsar Nicholas II & his family murdered, 1918. First atomic bomb detonation, Trinity site, New Mexico, 1945. Writer Hillaire Belloc died, 1954. Apollo 11 launched, 1969. Happy birthday to: actor Corey Feldman (32), TV presenter Johnny Vaughan (37), actress Phoebe Cates (40), musician Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook (40), dancer Michael Flatley (45), actor Jerry Doyle (47) Today is: National Blueberry Festival in the USA. Independence Day in Ukraine.
 
Thursday 17 July -  Ebridge Gerry, gave the political world "gerrymandering" born, 1744. Charlotte Corday, Marat's assassin, executed, 1793. First publication of "Punch" magazine, 1841. Artist James McNeill Whistler died, 1903. Construction started on Disneyland, 1954 (it opened on this day one year later). Jazz singer Billie Holliday died, 1959. Happy birthday to: actress Molly Parker (31), writer J. Michael Straczynski (49), dancer Wayne Sleep (55), BBC newsreader Peter Sissons (61), actor/broadcaster Tim Brooke-Taylor (63), actor Donald Sutherland (68) Today is: Constitution Day in South Korea. Formerly Baath Revolution Day in Iraq.

THE WISDOM OF...

This week, Marcel Marceau:
Never get a mime talking. He won't stop.

FILM QUIZ

This week's quotations come from films in which five of the lead cast of "Friends" (in alphabetical order, Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry & David Schwimmer) starrred. Bonus point for naming the missing Friend. Answers next week or from the regular address.

Last issue's lines were:


WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

DUMB CRIMS... Back in December a pair of burglars in Exmouth, Devon, broke into a store and stole over UKP1,000 worth of electrical goods; unfortunately them every single item they took was faulty, having already been returned to the store by customers. In Vara, Sweden, a trio of burglars displayed perhaps a non-lethal example of Darwinism when they tried to drill their way into an electrical retailer having broken into an office in the same building. They bore a hole in the wall with a power drill, but found that they had got into an optician's, so they tried again, and got back into the optician's. Third time lucky, maybe? Nope, yet again, they had drilled into the optician's premises. At their fourth attempt they got into their target, but were forced to flee empty-handed when their actions set off motion-detector alarms. An 80-year-old devout Japanese man featured on a TV documentary as he walked a 1,450km 9th-century pilgrimage route was arrested after police saw the show and recognised him as a missing suspect in a 12-year-old stabbing case. He has reportedly since confessed to the crime. A would-be robber in Ayr, Scotland, who had obviously thought things through, asked a shop assistant for a packet of cigarettes and handed her a UKP10 note to get her to open the till, at which point he threatened her with a hammer and demanded the till's contents. She froze, so he stuck his hand in the cash tray to grab the money, at which point she banged it shut on his fingers, so he ran off with what he could keep hold of, leaving both his tenner and the cigarettes. Unfortunately for him, all had managed to grab was about UKP5, so, as the shopkeeper told the Daily Record newspaper, "In the end, I've had a shock, he's down a few quid, and he's not even got his cigarettes."

ES SOLAMENTE UN LIBRO... An unnamed 21-year-old Madrid woman set her house on fire this week while attempting to cook up a potion inspired by her literary hero - Harry Potter. Although firemen were able to save her before she suffered more than minor injuries, half her home was destroyed in the blaze. With no (known) Madrid equivalent of Diagon Alley, she had been unable to acquire magical ingredients, instead boiling up a mixture of water, oil, alcohol and toothpaste. It's not known what the purpose of the potion was. [Summoning a fire spirit, maybe? -Ed]

THERE SHE BLOWS! In the early hours of June 30, Oregon resident Johnna Bruner and her fiance were woken by an explosion and found their living room full of steam. The water boiler in the basement had malfunctioned, built up pressure and blasted its way up through the house to land on the roof. "We were in a water bed at the time, and [the explosion] sort of tidal-waved us out," she told a local reporter, adding that "usually when you think of a water heater blowing up you think of some water flooding a basement, but this literally blew up."

MOOOOOOOO! University of Nebraska researchers are working on an additive for cattle feed to cut down on the amount of methane exhaled by cows. Methane - produced in the rumen, a cow's first (of four) stomachs, absorbed into the blood and expelled through the lungs - is one of the most harmful of greenhouse gasses, and cattle account for almost 20% of its production. Their research has not yet reached the animal testing stage, and when it does they might test it first on sheep or termites, which also produce methane. Ultimately they hope to be able to reduce the methane output from cattle by 4%.

WE'D SETTLE FOR A LOTTO WIN(*)... On Tuesday night last week the congregation at the First Baptist Church in Forest, Ohio, was listening to a guest evangelist preaching enthusiastically about penance and asking God to send them a sign. At that moment the storm which had been building outside finally broke and lightning hit the church steeple, setting it on fire, blowing the P.A. system and sending an electric charge through the microphone cable, enveloping the preacher. He was stunned for a while but otherwise unhurt, and the service resumed 20 minutes later, although it was subsequently abandoned and the building evacuated when it was realised that the steeple was ablaze. [ *...and as the Editor's an ordained minister, that's an official request, God...]

WEIRD WAR NEWS... The near-400 strong contingent of Danish troops in Iraq - where the temperature can reach 120F - received their standard camp equipment this week, including snow shovels, brooms, road salt and a snowplough. Meanwhile they are missing such insignificant items as proper-fitting bullet-proof vests, tent pegs and medicines. Also this week, Saddam Hussein was arrested in the Golan Heights, an area contested by the Israelis and Palestinians after he threw rocks at a tour bus. No, not the Saddam the US can't find, this one is a 21-year-old Druze Arab. Dr Nawalaal Mutawalli, director of Iraq's national museum, now claims 10% of its items were looted.

STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR EYE THIS WEEK: 40' blob on Chile beach (TFir #8.04) still unidentified, but though most likely whale rather than octopus. Canadian researchers claim Stonehenge is a massive fertility symbol, built to resemble female genitalia. Final edition of old-style VW Beetle launched. German oil delivery man gets wrong address, floods basement with 3000 litres of heating oil. Amateur World Boxing Championships forced to stop using bells to sound end-of-round because they had adjacent rings and it was too confusing for the boxers. UK "pet passport" scheme - which allows dog and cat owners to take their animals abroad with them - to be extended next year to include gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs and mice. Berlin A&O chain hotels to offer free condoms and headache medicine to guests during this weekend's Love Parade. A Glasgow, Scotland, council workman replaced a flickering bulb in a street sign without realising that it was really part of a UKP200,000 artwork by Turner Prize winner Douglas Gordon and the flickering was intentional.


ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS

Film: Star Wars III stars Ewan McGregor & Hayden Christensen reportedly sporting mullets for continuity with the looks of Eps IV-VI (A New Hope was made in 1977). Robert Wagner suing for 50% of Charlie's Angels movie profits. Terminator 3 beats up Charlie's Angels & Legally Blonde sequels at US box office but still took less than T2 over the same time scale after adjusting for price changes over the last 12 years. French actors' strike disrupts Jack Nicholson film shoot in Paris; gets his support. Alien/Blade Runner/Hovis commercial director Ridley Scott knighted. London's Science Museum to house exhibition about the technology behind Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings" film trilogy.

TV: Spike Lee & Viacom settle "Spike TV" dispute - TNT channel rebranding will go ahead. Big Brother house evacuated last Friday after bomb scare. Still no new TV show, but Richard E. Grant is to voice Doctor Who for BBC online cartoon to mark the cult sci-fi show's 40th anniversary. Former stripper suing Stan Lee & Pamela Anderson Lee (not related), claiming she had original idea for "Striperella" cartoon show. Fourth series of The Osbournes to be made. Simon Cowell signed onto American Idol for further three years. Who Wants to be a Millionaire cheat Tecwen Whittock, fired from teaching job, trying to launch career as after-dinner speaker. BBC & BSkyB keep broadcast rights for soccer's FA Cup. ITV drama Fortysomething and game show Judgement Day pushed out of primetime slot after ratings failure, channel still achieved 13 out of the top 20 drama shows from January through June. House of Lords defeat planned amendment to Communications Bill that would have blocked newspaper magnates such as Rupert Murdoch buying the "five" TV channel.

Music & Radio: Carling Leeds Festival going ahead. David Bowie does French TV ad for mineral water. Avril Lavigne has nothing to do with planned "Sk8er Boi" movie. New Dido album later this year. Over a billion illegal CDs produced world-wide in the last year. Licensing Bill - requiring pubs, cafes & clubs to get entertainment licenses for live music - clears Parliament, should be law in early 2005. Tooth, claimed to have been Elvis Presley's to be auctioned online - starting price, US$100,000. Beyonce Knowles topping UK album & singles charts.

Books: Booker Prize winning novelist A.S. Byatt slams Harry Potter books as written for "worlds of soaps, reality TV and celebrity gossip" audiences, adds that they lack the "seriousness" of great children's writers. Katherine Hepburn biography rushed to press, released today. Hillary Clinton book passes one-million sales mark within a month. Marvel Comics reportedly planning mutant action hero cartoon character based on Princess Diana. Pirated copies of Order of the Phoenix outselling official ones by 5-1 in Pakistan. Antiquarian book dealer John Sibbald chances on two first editions of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice in less than a year.

Obits: Soul/R&B singer Barry White (58), Namibian bushman actor ("The Gods Must be Crazy") N!xau (59), Wisconsin Northwoods author Tom Hollatz (64), stand-up comedian George Roper (69), "Poldark" novelist Winston Graham (93), "Beverly Hillbilles" star Buddy Ebsen (95).

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

More Flash fun this week (although it might upset rabid Linux fanatics). Poke the penguin at your own risk - poke him too much and he might get mad.
http://www5.gamesville.lycos.com/html_poke/poke_penguin.htm

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
12, 22, 23, 25, 31 & 42.
You can consult Madame Jennifer online at the Daily Irregular:
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

AND FINALLY...

Once upon a time in a small New England town, there was an old house that everybody stayed clear of because it was said to be haunted by a particularly mean ghost. Then, one day, a cub reporter for the local newspaper decided that he was brave enough to investigate, so he grabbed his camera and - with his hands shaking more at each step, ascended the porch steps and entered the house as the sun was setting. All was quiet for a couple of minutes, until, in the hallway, he heard a loud wailing behind him and turned round to see a menacingly dark mist descending the stairs. Although he was scared he stood his ground until the mist resolved itself into the ghostly form of an evil-looking old man. "This is my house, who are you to dare enter it?" the ghost demanded of him.

"I just want to write your story, and maybe take a photograph to prove you exist," the reporter stammered, wishing that he was back in the newspaper office with a hot cup of coffee and a doughnut, "I promise to be sympathetic and to leave you alone for ever more afterwards."

The ghost floated silently at the bottom of the stairs for a moment or two. "You are indeed a brave man to come here," he eventually said, "Very well, I will tell you my story, and you may take some photographs."

Sensing a nationally-sellable story, the reporter snapped away - almost an entire roll of film - as the ghost recounted his horrific tale. Then, promising again to leave him in peace, he rushed back to his office and immediately went into the dark room to develop his pictures, but, alas! They all came out heavily underexposed and completely useless. He went to his editor and told him what had happened, how the ghost had told him his story, but that none of the photos had come out. The editor put down his pen and sighed, "So, the spirit was willing but the flash was weak..."
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