The Friday Irregular
Volume 8, Number 9 (TFIr #191)  --  8th August 2003

Edited by and copyright ©2003 Simon Lamont

tfir@simonlamont.co.uk

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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 8 August -  Theologian Thomas à Kempis died, 1471. UKP2.25m stolen from the Glasgow-London mail train in the Great Train Robbery, 1963. US President Nixon resigned rather than face impeachment over Watergate, 1974. Novelist Nicholas Montsarrat died, 1979. Actress Louise Brooks died, 1985. Director Roman Polanski & actress Emmanuelle Seigner married, 1989. Happy birthday to: Princess Beatrice of York (15), U2 guitarist The Edge (42), former F1 racing driver Nigel Mansell (50), actor Dustin Hoffman (66), actor Keith Barron (69), producer Dino De Laurentiis (84).
 
Saturday 9 August -  Henry V (r.1413-22) born, 1387. The Webster-Ashburn treaty defined the US-Canadian border, 1842. Novelist Frederick Marryat died, 1848. Poet Philip Larkin born, 1922. The US dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki, 1945. Composer Dmitry Shostakovich died, 1975. Happy birthday to: actress Audrey Tatou (25), actor Eric Bana (35), actress Gillian Anderson (35), musician Whitney Houston (40), former Tennis champ Rod Laver (65), cartoon "it" girl Betty Boop (73). Today is: Independence Day in Singapore. National Women's Day in South Africa. Nagasaki Memorial Day in Japan.
 
Sunday 10 August -  Mozart completed "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik", 1787. Herbert Hoover, 31st US President (1929-33), born, 1874. Dan Rylands granted patent for the screw-top bottle, 1889. Aviation pioneer Otto Lilienthal died, 1896. Virginia & Leonard Woolf married, 1912. Baseballer Pete Rose set a record 3630 hits, 1981. Happy birthday to: soccer player Roy Keane (32), gardener Charlie Dimmock (37), actress Claudia Christian (38), actor Antonio Banderas (44), actresses Rosanna Arquette (44) & Roberta Tovey (50). Today is: Independence Day in Ecuador. Admission Day (24th state, 1821) in Missouri.
 
Monday 11 August -  Writer Enid Blyton born, 1897. Philanthropic industrialist Andrew Carnegie died, 1919. Musician Ron Grainer born, 1922. Churchill & Roosevelt signed the Atlantic Charter, 1941. Artist Jackson Pollock died, 1956. Actor Peter Cushing died, 1994. Happy birthday to: model Carolyn Murphy (28), musician Joe Jackson (49), wrestler/actor Hulk Hogan (50), Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak (53), actresses Anna Massey (66) & Arlene Dahl (75). Today is: Independence Day in Chad. Heroes' Day in Zimbabwe.
 
Tuesday 12 August -  Poet & artist William Blake died, 1827. Sewing machine patent granted to Isaac Singer, 1851. Movie director Cecil B. deMille born, 1881. Physicist Erwin Schrödinger born, 1887. James Bond & "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" author Ian Fleming died, 1964. IBM released their first PC, the 5150 (4.77Mhz, 250k RAM, DOS 1.0), 1981. Happy birthday to: actress Dominique Swain (23), musician Tanita Tikarem (34), actor Peter Krause (38), musicians Kid Creole (53) & Mark Knopfler (54), writer William Goldman (72). Today is: Queen's Birthday in Thailand.
 
Wednesday 13 July -  Johann Christoph Denner, clarinet inventor, born, 1655. Markswoman Annie Oakley born, 1860. John Logie Baird, TV inventor, born, 1888. Artist Sir John Millais died, 1896. Nursing moderniser Florence Nightingale died, 1910. Futurist writer H.G. Wells died, 1946. Happy birthday to: soccer player Alan Shearer (33), actor/radio host Danny Bonaduce (44), musician Feargal Sharkey (45), model Marie Helvin (51), actress Jane Carr (53), Cuban leader Fidel Castro (76).
 
Thursday 14 August -  Neuro-psychiatrist Richard Von Kraft-Ebing born, 1840. Writer John Galsworthy born, 1867. The Battle of Britain reached its peak, 1940. Newspaper proprietor William Randolph Hearst died, 1951. Writer J.B. Priestley died, 1984. Car maker Enzo Ferrari died, 1988. Happy birthday to: model/actress/Mrs Stallone Jennifer Flavin (35), actress Halle Berry (37), musician Sarah Brightman (43), basketballer Magic Johnson (44), composer James Horner (50), actress Susan Saint James (57). Today is: Kräftpremiär (first day of the crayfish season) in Sweden. Independence Day in Pakistan. Liberty Tree Day in Massachusetts.

THE WISDOM OF...

This week, Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri:
The world holds two classes of men: intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence.

FILM QUIZ

A swag bag of criminal lines this week. Answers next week or from the regular address.

Last issue's automotive lines were:


WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

DUMB CRIMS... Margaret Ann Thomas-Irving, 57, is an unusual bank robber. It's not that she threatened tellers by note with a claim of carrying explosives before making off with over $2500 from two Lansing, Michigan, banks. It's not that copies of the note were found in her handbag and a rental car which had fake number plates put on it, or even that banknotes found on her carried recorded serial numbers. What makes Mrs Thomas-Irving notable is her son - he's a police officer with the Bath Township PD, and - perhaps not surprisingly - he had no comment to make when asked about his mother's activities. If you're going drink until 4.00 am, then start work at 4.10 am, it's not generally a good idea to be a bus driver, as a 54-year-old Czech found out this week, after a motorist reported his bus (with 16 passengers) swerving all over the road to police. He was found to have the equivalent of 10 premium lagers and a number of liquor shots inside him, and now faces up to a year in jail. Speaking of strange driving, it was reported earlier this year that New Zealander John Sullivan had been ordered to community service after being caught speeding sitting half-naked on a motorised bar stool with his bottom on fire. Finally for this issue, if you're going to let slip that you're a crim, only the dumbest would do so on national TV but that's just what New Jersey resident Paul Alexander did on the Jerry Springer show when he appeared on the programme to boast about how he dumped his 22-year-old girlfriend and their 7-year-old child. Federal authorities saw the show and calculated that the woman had been underage when she conceived - leaving Alexander to face prison time for endangering the welfare of a child and sexual assault. Go Jerry... Go Jerry... Go Jerry...

FIREWATER... A blaze at a Bardstown, Kentucky, warehouse this week threatened to send flames shooting down nearby streams, after lightning is thought to have ignited up to a million gallons of Jim Beam bourbon contained in the seven-story wooden building. Firefighters had to dam up the waterways to prevent the blazing bourbon washing downstream.

SMILE!... Camera-enabled mobile phones may be the latest "hot" technology (at least according to the ad agencies), but they are far from universally desirable. Numerous leisure centres have banned them for - possibly over-politically-correct - fear of people photographing children, and now a number of companies have also banned them from their factories, some going so far as to install detectors at the entrances, lest an industrial spy send back pictures of their assembly lines or design centres. Ironically, one of the most fervent companies when it comes to forbidding the technology in its factories is Samsung, who make among other things, yes, mobile phones with cameras...

FESTIVAL FROLICS... The Edinburgh Fringe Festival, an annual arts event in Scotland populated by street performers, comedians and small theatre troupes, has thrown up a few notable events this year, including "Sweet FA" a play where - literally - nothing happens. There are no actors, no particular lighting, no set. Anyone who stays through the full hour of the "performance" gets half their ticket money back. Jeff Mirza, a comedian who impersonates Saddam Hussein, had a drink can thrown at his head while distributing promo leaflets. He also invaded the stage of Aaron Barschak's show "Osama Likes It Hot". Barschak, the "comedy terrorist" who gatecrashed Prince William's birthday party last month, has been forced to cancel at least one performance owing to stress. Other acts on show include one set up a stepladder and a three-man comedy troupe who perform in a standalone public lavatory. One show overtaken by current events was "Liza! With Love" featuring a Minnelli character singing about her love for David Gest. After news of Minnelli & Gest's separation the script was hastily rewritten.

ANIMAL ROUND-UP... 15-year-old amateur ichthyologist sights great white shark off the coast of SW England. London Zoo giraffes, tigers and bears given frozen fruit to lick and cool down in heatwave, penguins get fish-flavoured ice lollies, while the apes at Hanover Zoo are being given specially made ice cream. Falkirk, Scotland, hermit taken critically ill, scrawls note and throws it - in a bottle - out of the window, where it is found by Ben, a local sheepdog who takes it home, and thus summons help. Locks Heath, Hampshire, farmer in trouble with his neighbours for playing classical music to his 20 pigs at night. Locusts swarming over Outer Mongolia town. Scientists at the Shannon Dolphin and Wildlife Foundation, Kilrush, Cty Clare, Eire working with Vodaphone to develop "Dial-a-Dolphin" to enable mobile phone users to hear live dolphin sounds as stress relief. Bai Yun, a giant panda on loan from China to the San Diego Zoo, expecting twins this month.

WEIRD WAR NEWS... Soldiers of the 1st Battalion 22nd Infantry Regiment of the US Army, on duty in Iraq and involved in the search for Saddam, have a new photofit to work from - as well as the various aged and bearded images produced by the Pentagon, they have an unofficial portrait with quiff and sideburns. To them, Saddam is now known as "Elvis", inspired by the American tabloid press's frequent reporting of sightings of Elvis Presley. One officer commented "Course we gonna get Elvis. Last I heard he was working in a Burger King down in Tikrit."

STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR EYE THIS WEEK: Iowa woman carving full-size Harley Davidson V-Rod out of butter. Naked rambler (apart from boots and a floppy hat) sighted in Yorkshire Dales - later confesses to police; let off with a warning. South Dakota governor accidentally authorises G. Gordon Liddy Day (Liddy was convicted over Watergate). Italian arrested for targeted vandalism against 15 Smart cars, incited after police seized two belonging to him for traffic & parking offences. 90-year-old former Labour Party Michael Foot signed to Plymouth Argyle soccer team (but not expected to play). Brewers urged to develop a real ale to appeal to women. Sunderland, England, woman gives birth to second set of identical twin girls, at odds of 500,000-1. 46-year-old West Bromwich, England, grandmother passes her driving test at her 20th attempt, after over 300 lessons, says "I don't do much for the cause of women drivers in general..." Never mind Le Mans, the British Lawnmower Racing Association's 12-hour endurance race took place last weekend, and was won by the SCR Racing team with an average speed of 23.43mph. Other teams included The Mutts Nutts (3rd), Kiss My Grass Racing (14th) and the Silly Sods (29th).


ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS

Film: Critically panned Lopez/Affleck flick "Gigli" took just US$3.79m on its opening weekend ("American Wedding", the second "American Pie" sequel opened the same weekend & took almost US$34m). "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" sets advance ticket sales record (13,645) in Japan, doesn't open there until spring. Schwarzenegger running for California governership. Warner Bros release advance stills from Harry Potter III with Gary Oldman as Sirius Black. If you haven't heard of the new Liz Hurley/Dennis Leary comedy, "Double Whammy" you're not alone - it took just UKP28,950 when it opened in Britain (straight to video in the US). Kim Basinger to play travelling make-up seller with strange connection to The King in "Elvis Has Left The Building". Sean Connery out of Milos Forman's "Embers". Brit films "28 Days" & "Bend It Like Beckham" pass the US$50m mark between them. Study of White House records reveals "High Noon" the most requested film by US presidents. "Terminator 3" blows away "Legally Blonde 2" in first UK weekend.

TV: Jerry Springer not running for US Senate. BBC to dramatise late MP & womaniser Alan Clarke's diaries. Both J.Lo & Britney considering producing TV talk shows (J.Lo's likely hosted by her radio/TV personality sister Lynda). BBC's Fame Academy ratings slumped already. Influential producer Peter Bazalgette criticises TV stations for focussing on chasing Saturday night ratings. German "greatest Germans" show upsets Austria by including Mozart. Final episodes of "The Office" to air on BBC1 over Christmas. "American Idol" winner Ruben Studdard accused of wearing branded clothes for cash on the show; he's suing the design firm that made the allegation for improper use of his image.

Music & Radio: Mick Jagger suffers laryngitis - Rolling Stones forced to cancel Benidorm gig. Last year's "Pop Idol" winner, Will Young caught out after trying to enter this year's show because he used a false name but his real address. 70s DJ Noel Edmonds back on air via Radio 2. Three Tenors play free concert in Bath, England, but tickets being touted for up to UKP500. CD of veteran left-wing MP Tony Benn speeches set to rap music released. Rumours of remixed Ibiza dance track featuring PM Tony Blair's wife Cherie Booth's impromptu rendition of "When I'm 64" apparently false. Despite controversy over Iraq War, the Dixie Chicks are predicted to be the most lucrative touring country acts in the USA this year.

Books: Madonna's "The English Roses" children's book to launch in 100 countries and 30 languages on September 15.

Obits: actress Marie Trintignant (41), Nashville singer/songwriter Greg Guidry (53), actor Frederick Coffin (60), 60s singer Michael Haslam (63), actor Don Estelle (70), Brazilian media magnate Roberto Marinho (98).

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

This week's site is a very nice open source implementation of the Tron light-cycle game, which can be single-player or multi-player (sole machine or networked), and includes a cool first-person camera option. It's available for Windows, Mac OS X and Linux.
http://armagetron.sourceforge.net/

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
2, 3, 10, 18, 42 & 49.
You can consult Madame Jennifer online at the Daily Irregular:
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

AND FINALLY...

A young man was in a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around staring at him. He thought it was a little odd, but he ignored her. When he finally got to the checkout line, she was in front of him. "Pardon me, young man," she said, "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, but you're the spitting image of my son, who died on active service last month."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," replied the man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

The old woman thought for a moment. "Well, yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you wave and say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would help give me closure."

The young man readily agreed, and so as the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" before his shopping went through the till. When it came time to pay the cashier, he noticed that his total was over $100. "But I've only got toothpaste, some cookies and eggs," he complained.

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," answered the clerk.

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