The Friday Irregular
Volume 9, Number 19 (TFIr #226)  --  21st May 2004

Edited by and copyright ©2004 Simon Lamont

tfir@simonlamont.co.uk

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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 21 May -  Otto III crowned Holy Roman Emperor, 996. Poet Alexander Pope born, 1688. Humphrey Bogart & Lauren Bacall married, 1945. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back opened, 1980. Romance novelist Dame Barbara Cartland died, 2000. Happy birthday to: actors Judge Reinhold (48) & Mr T (52), journalist Andrew Neil (55), author Ian McEwan & musician Leo Sayer (both 56). Today is: Iquique's Naval Combat Day in Chile.
 
Saturday 22 May -  Sherlock Holmes' creator Sir Arthur Conan Doyle born, 1859. Author Victor Hugo died, 1885. The Wright Brothers patented their aircraft, 1908. The Great Chilean Earthquake, the most powerful ever recorded (9.5 on the Richter scale) struck, 1960. Microsoft released Windows 3.0, 1990. Happy birthday to: models Jordan (26) & Naomi Campbell (34), musician Morrissey (45), songwriter Bernie Taupin (54), singer Charles Aznavour (80). Today is: National Day in Yemen. Start of the Chatsworth Angling Fair (ends tomorrow). Soccer: FA Cup final. World Biodiversity Day.
 
Sunday 23 May -  Pirate Captain William Kidd hanged, 1701. North West (later Royal Canadian) Mounted Police established, 1873. Actor Scatman Crothers born, 1910. Bank robbers Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow ambushed and shot by Texas Rangers, 1934. Entrepreneur John D. Rockefeller died, 1937. Happy birthday to: singer Jewel (29), actor Drew Carey (46), boxer Marvin Hagler (52), synthesizer pioneer Dr Robert Moog (70), actress Joan Collins (71). Today is: F1 Motor Racing: Monaco Grand Prix. Declaration of the Báb (Bahá'í).
 
Monday 24 May -  The Brooklyn Bridge opened to traffic, 1883. Italy declared war on Austria-Hungary, 1915. The Marx Brothers' first film, The Cocoanuts, opened, 1929. The British Parliament passed Clause 28, 1988. Former UK Prime Minister Harold Wilson died, 1995. Happy birthday to: rapper Heavy D (37), soccer player Eric Cantona (38), actress Kristin Scott Thomas (44), actor Jim Broadbent (55), musician Bob Dylan (63). Today is: Commonwealth Day in Belize. Victoria Day in Canada. Independence Day in Eritrea. Tennis: Start of the French Open (ends June 6). Clear Rain Day in the Mansfield and Trinity areas of Hawick, Scotland.
 
Tuesday 25 May -  John Scopes indicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution, 1925. Start of the Battle of Dunkirk, 1940. President Kennedy announced his goal of putting a man on the moon by the end of the '60s, 1961. Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells released, and Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope opened, 1973. Happy birthday to: rugby player Jonny Wilkinson (25), author Poppy Z Brite (37), actor Mike Myers (41), muppeteer/director Frank Oz (60), soprano Beverly Sills (75). Today is: Day of Youth in Yugoslavia. National Day in Sudan & Libya. Veintecinco de Mayo (Independence Day) in Argentina. Independence Day in Jordan. African Freedom Day in Chad & Zambia. Africa Day in Zimbabwe. Memorial Day in New Mexico. Confederate Memorial Day in Virginia. Start of the RHS Chelsea Flower Show (ends Friday). Commemoration of the Venerable Bede (Anglican).
 
Wednesday 26 May -  Kaspar Hauser found wandering the streets of Nuremberg, 1828. Nicholas II became Tsar of Russia, 1896. Bram Stoker's Dracula published, 1897. The Tupolev Tu-144 ('Konkordski') became the first commercial aircraft to exceed Mach 2, 1970. Mars Odyssey found signs of vast water deposits on the red planet, 2002. Happy birthday to: musicians Lauryn Hill (29) & Lenny Kravitz (40), comedian Bobcat Goldthwait (42), politician Michael Portillo (51), astronaut Sally Ride (53). Today is: Independence Day in Georgia. Independence Day in Guyana. Mother's Day in Poland. Soccer: European Champions League Final. Shavuot (Judaism).
 
Thursday 27 May -  Oscar Wilde imprisoned, 1895. End of the first 24-hour Le Mans race, 1923. The RMS Queen Mary set off on her maiden voyage, 1936. Indian politician Jawaharlal Nehru died, 1964. Actor Christopher Reeve paralysed from the neck down in a riding accident, 1995. Happy birthday to: chef Jamie Oliver (29), actress Peri Gilpin (43), musician Siouxsie Sioux (47), singer Cilla Black (61), actor Christopher Lee (82). Today is: First Quarter Moon.

THE WISDOM OF...

This week, Douglas Adams, from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

TOTALLY TRIVIAL...

Dame Agatha Christie's Miss Marple novels feature five shootings, one burning, three head wounds, five stranglings, one death by falling and seven poisonings, the latter perhaps partly inspired by the three years Christie spent working in a Torquay chemist's shop. Although best known for her Miss Marple and Poirot murder mysteries, Christie also wrote a number of romance novels under the pseudonym Mary Westmacott, and the murder-mystery play The Moustrap, which is the longest continuously-running production in theatrical history, still going after having opened in London on November 25, 1952. Not only her writings are full of mystery; one unanswered question remains about Christie's own life. She disappeared for a several days in 1926, and it is still unknown where, and why, she went.

FILM QUIZ

A mixed bag of quotations this week. Answers next week or from the regular address.

Last issue's lines were:


WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

DUMB CRIMS... This issue's Dumb Crim of the Week is the Irish burglar who was standing on a wheelie bin trying to climb into a neighbour's bedroom window when one of the room's occupants woke up and called out "Who's there?" to which he replied "It's me, Tommy." Thomas Sheerin, described by his own defence counsel Conal Boyce as "a few bushes short of a shrubbery" pleaded guilty to one charge of burglary of his neighbour's home. Other dumb crims this week include the Ohio woman who misdialled her drug dealer's number three times and instead arranged to buy from the police; the German who took another man's wallet, emptied it of money and gave it back, but mistakenly handed over his own wallet - with ID - instead; the South African prisoners attacking warders so they can stay in jail; the Oklahoma men who stole 5000lbs of used cooking oil and grease from three restaurants.

IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU GO POSTAL... Britain's Royal Mail, already beset by reports of poor service, suffered further embarrassment last week when it was revealed that a street in Newcastle was only receiving deliveries to one side - the houses with even numbers - because there was not enough room in the sorting office to sort the mail for the other side of the street. The problem came to light after odd-numbered resident Margaret Clare went to complain, and found piles of post dating back four months dumped on the sorting room floor. As compensation she was offered six first-class stamps, worth GBP1.62 (US$2.87).

GERONIMO!... It must be the season for falling off roofs and out of windows with little injury (TFIrs passim, as another incident was reported this week, this time a 21-month old toddler who fell 26 feet from a German house's roof-deck with just a few scratches, despite hitting a steel beam and the road curb.

SPORTS ROUND-UP... Chicago Cubs player sneezes twice in team clubhouse, puts back out, forced to miss game. English Blind Golf Association investigating claims that double world champion David Morris has more than just light perception after his second title victory last month, by a 24-shot margin. Extreme ironing enthusiasts heading off to Mount Rushmore, the Black Hills of South Dakota and Times Square in bid for Olympic recognition. British MP Gerry Steinberg tables motion in House of Commons calling for denouncement of soccer referees after his constituency side lost a promotion to the Premier League.

ANIMAL ROUND-UP... The most popular pets in economically-strapped Germany are... ants. There's even a store devoted to selling them (and terraniums in which to keep them) in Berlin. Piglet, a rare South American Humboldt penguin, who was stolen from a sea life centre in Scarborough, England, was found dumped in a garden after her braying was heard. Highly susceptible to stress, Piglet is now back at the centre and on a course of antibiotics.

WEIRD WAR NEWS ... Despite a concrete barrier outside, metal detectors inside, and a GBP600,000 (US$1m) screen between the chamber of the House of Commons and the public viewing gallery, two protesters from Fathers 4 Justice a pressure group wanting better rights for divorced fathers, who had won tickets to the VIP gallery - in front of the security screen - in a charity auction, managed to throw three condoms filled with purple-dyed flour at Tony Blair during Prime Minister's Questions on Wednesday afternoon, one of them hitting him on the back of his shoulder. The two will appear in court on public order charges next week.

ON THE MOVE... German motoring magazine survey finds that male Porsche drivers are the most likely to cheat on their wives, followed by BMW and Ford drivers. Among women, Audi then BMW drivers topped the results. For both sexes, Vauxhall drivers were the most faithful. Birkenhead, England, traffic wardens fine a mother GBP30 (US$53) because she took too long to get a pay-and-display ticket after getting her infant daughter out of the car, putting putting her coat on, comforting her, and queuing at the ticket machine. Speeding motorists in Italy had better be careful - this week the Italian police took possession of 500 horsepower Lamborghini Gallardo, capable of doing 185 mph. As well as patrolling a road notorious for reckless driving the car, painting in police livery with blue flashing light, will be used for emergency organ transportation.

STORIES WHICH ALSO CAUGHT OUR EYE THIS WEEK: The Osbournes get ice creams named after them by the County Cow Creamery, new Jersey - 'Ozzy's Carnivorous Carrot' is a cinnamon spiced ice cream with hazelnut liqueur-soaked carrot cake, while 'Death by Sharon' is dark chocolate ice cream with chocolate fudge and bits of Godiva liqueur-soaked chocolate brownie. Japanese priests manage to block trademark registration but fail to block sale of sweets being sold as 'Snot from the nose of the Great Buddha' (complete with packaging showing Buddha picking his nose). Invention that tells men to sit down if they try standing at the toilet sells over 1.6 million units in Germany so far. Roman tourism organisations offering visitors free courses in Latin (Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum com omnibus in eo). Catholic Church approves change of Italian marriage vows from "I take you" to "I receive you". English seaside resort Blackpool wants to get rid of its striped deck chairs because they're "too old-fashioned." Eastern German province facing gold rush after 9.64g nugget worth 1,500 euros (GBP1,000, US$1,800) found in stream.


ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS

Film: Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 given unprecedented 20-minute standing ovation at Cannes, currently favourite to win Palme D'Or, says he had three film crews embedded with US troops in Iraq. Pierce Brosnan to play Bond once more, pushes for Quentin Tarantino to be allowed to direct a Bond film. Husband and wife Paul Bettany, Jennifer Connelly rumoured to be planning to star together in Brideshead Revisited movie. Troy tops US box office ahead of Van Helsing and Mean Girls. British Film Council to back installation of digital projectors in 250 cinemas by the end of the year in exchange for agreeing to give set screen-time to British indie flicks. Empire magazine reports that Star Wars Episode III will be titled Birth of the Empire. Marlon Brando to return to film, playing himself. Van Helsing tops UK box office for second week. EU moving to protect film industry from external competition. The Poseidon Adventure, Titanic voted best disaster films. Biopic of Joy Division's Ian Curtis in the works. Reese Witherspoon signs for RomCom Sammy. Cuba Gooding Jr signs for thriller Shadowboxer. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King out on R2 DVD Tuesday. The Ladykillers remake star Tom Hanks admits to never having seen original. Liz Hurley starrer Method becomes her fourth film to bomb straight to video. Disney planning two Pirates of the Caribbean sequels, Keith Richards increasingly likely to guest star. DreamWorks announce Shrek 3 and 4 at Cannes, ahead of opening of Shrek 2. Warner Bros to make film of Neil Gaiman/DC Comics' Books of Magic.

TV: The Office ruled ineligible for Emmys because there are not enough episodes. Frasier finale draws smaller audience, better reviews than the final episode of Friends. Final season of Everybody Loves Raymond to be shortened to 16 episodes. Kelsey Grammer to play Scrooge in 2-hour musical A Christmas Carol for NBC. Sony confirms interest in buying MGM. ABC to focus on drama, reality shows. Martin Bashir signs as correspondent for ABC's 20/20. Fan campaign appears to have saved Enterprise for a fourth season. Richard and Judy sign three-year deal to stay with Channel 4. Report casts doubt on viability of proposed analogue TV switch-off by 2010. Sir Alan Sugar to head UK version of business reality show The Apprentice. Beverley Callard returning to Corrie. The Guardian reports that 80s satirical puppet show Spitting Image is set to return to UK TV.

Music & Radio: Britney Spears runs off German stage in tears as Onyx Hotel tour receives worst reviews of her career amid accusations of miming. Madonna's Re-Invention world tour kicks off in California, Monday; confirms Manchester gig in August. Whitney Houston to tour with Natalie Cole, Dionne Warwick. Napster UK legal service launches. Ukraine wins Eurovision Song Contest; UK entrant James Fox comes 16th with 29 points, later criticises neighbouring countries/blocs who vote higher for each other - apparently doesn't notice Anglo-Irish voting pattern. Wizard of Oz musical prequel Wicked picks up 10 Tony nominations, Hugh Jackman receives best musical actor nomination for The Boy From Oz. David Hasselhoff hires Ice-T to produce hip-hop album. Eamon knocked off UK #1 singles spot by ex. Black Sabbath to reform, tour US. Blue to play Party in the Park. P.J. Harvey to play Brixton Academy. Radiohead's Jonny Greenwood becomes composer in residence for BBC Radio 3. Natalie Imbruglia signs to new label. Holly Valance quitting music, focussing on acting.

Books: Auction of Conan Doyle papers criticised for breaking up the collection rather than donating it to the nation, raises almost GBP1m (US$1.7m).

Obits: actress Michelle Skalnik (27), documentarian Le Manh Thich (66), actor Lincoln Kilpatrick (72), TV broadcaster/producer Harry Elton (74), cartoonist Beverly Ann Wagner (75), jazz drummer Elvin Ray Jones (76), actor Tatsuya Mihashi (80), author Anthony Babington (84), clarinettist John LaPorta (84), actor Tony Randall (84), cartoonist Gilbert T. Fox (80), Disney animator Jack Bradbury (89), author Syd Hoff (91), actress Anna Lee (91), actress Mary Dresselhuys (97).

TECH BRIEFS

First 3D Internet church forced to restrict access to the pulpit and altar, and look for ways to identify and eject people after users flooded to log on as 'Satan' and fill the Ship of Fools website's virtual chapel with blasphemies. German government email system knocked out by jumk emails; unclear whether it was an attack or bad configuration. FBI investigating alleged theft of Cisco Systems source code. Sony reports 100 millionth Playstation shipped. Poll finds increasing numbers of UK citizens unhappy with ID card proposals. Hewlett-Packard reports record quarterly revenues. Cardiff introducing city-centre-wide wi-fi access. British Telecom announces tie-up with Vodafone to streamline calls, better-than-expected annual earnings. Amazon opening new depot in Scotland. id/Activision announce Doom 3 will ship this summer for PC, Xbox later in the year. Apple spinning iPod into separate business. Nildram to offer UK pay-as-you-go broadband access. Symantec (anti-virus) acquires Brightmail (anti-spam). OS X security flaw published. Gmail bug temporarily offers a terabyte of email storage to some users. Google developing desktop search tool. Red Hat releases 2.6 Linux kernel-based Fedora Core 2 for developers. Cometa to shut down wi-fi business. Yahoo promoting DomainKeys email standard - an encrypted digital signature added to emails by the sending server; Sendmail to incorporate DomainKeys into its software. Vonage internet phone service passes 155,000 users.

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

This week, an enduring mystery. The Voynich Maunscript:
http://www.voynich.nu/index.html

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:
9, 27, 28, 34, 39 & 48.
You can consult Madame Jennifer online at the Daily Irregular:
http://www.gizmo1.demon.co.uk/li/

AND FINALLY...

At the end of afternoon, the school science teacher dismissed his class, reminding them of the main point of his lesson before they went home. "Don't forget," he said, "You can tell the age of a tree by counting the rings in a cross-section of the trunk. One ring for each year of growth."

Little Jennifer ran home, where she found that her mother had put a Swiss Roll on the table for tea. Jennifer stormed into the kitchen. "I'm not eating that!" she insisted, "It's five years old!"


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