ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Friday 3 September		-		Founding of San Marino, 301. Composer Adriano Banchieri born, 1568. Lord Protector of England Oliver Cromwell died, 1658. William Wordsworth wrote Composed upon Westminster Bridge, September 3, 1802, 1802. Inventor James Harrison died, 1893. Actor Alan Ladd born, 1913. Sir Malcolm Campbell became the first man to drive a car at over 300mph, 1935. Singer/songwriter Jennifer Paige born, 1973. Film director Frank Capra died, 1991.
Saturday 4 September		-		Alexander III of Scotland born, 1241. The Great Fire of London reached its peak, destroying St Paul's Cathedral, 1666. Social reformer John Fielding died, 1780. Founding of Los Angeles, 1781. Composer Anton Bruckner born, 1824. Composer Edvard Grieg died, 1907. The Forth Road Bridge opened, 1964. Actress/singer Beyoncé Knowles born, 1981. Naturalist Steve Irwin died, 2006.
Sunday 5 September		-		Catherine Parr, last wife of Henry VIII of England died, 1548. Composer Johann Christian Bach born, 1735. Assembling of the First Continental Congress, 1774. Cricketer John Wisden born, 1826. Start of the First Opium War, 1839. Crazy Horse, Lakota Chief, died, 1877. Actress Raquel Welch born, 1940. Launching of Voyager 1, 1977. Cinematographer Claude Renoir died, 1993.
Monday 6 September		-		The Pilgrims set sail from Plymouth (Old Style date), 1620. Jurist Edmund Gibson died, 1748. Educator Catherine Beecher born, 1800. Book illustrator Arthur Rackham died, 1939. Liberation of Ypres, 1944. Actress Jane Curtin born, 1947. Novelist Alice Sebold born, 1963. Funeral of Diana, Princess of Wales, 1997. Tenor Luciano Pavarotti died, 2007.
Tuesday 7 September		-		Geoffrey of Anjou died, 1151. Elizabeth I of England born, 1533. The Battle of Borodino, 1812. Artist Grandma Moses born, 1860. Maiden voyage of the RMS Lusitania, 1907. Start of the Blitz bombings of London, 1940. Author Karen Blixen died, 1962. Actress Evan Rachel Wood born, 1987. Author James Clavell died, 1994.
Wednesday 8 September		-		Sacking of Jerusalem by Titus, 70. Richard I of England born, 1157. Unveiling of Michelangelo's David, 1504. Mathematician Marin Mersenne born, 1588. Mystic Robert Fludd died, 1637. Premiere broadcast of Star Trek, 1966. Actor David Arquette born, 1971. Actor Zero Mostel died, 1977. Actress Jean Seberg died, 1979.
Thursday 9 September		-		The Battle of the Teutoburg Forest, 9. William I of England ("The Conqueror") died, 1087. Coronation of the 9-month-old Mary Stuart as "Queen of Scots", 1543. Novelist Leo Tolstoy born, 1828. Artist Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec died, 1901. Computer scientist Dennis Ritchie born, 1941. Start of the Attica Prison riot, 1971. Newsreader Natasha Kaplinski born, 1972. Chinese communist leader Mao Zedong died, 1976.

THE WISDOM OF...

This week, Lin Yutang:

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.

FILM QUIZ

A mixed bag of quotations. Answers next week or from the regular address.

• "[..] You'll enjoy your shore leave. You'll relax." You call this relaxing? I'm a nervous wreck. I'm not careful, I'll end up talking to myself.
• Music to drown by. Now I know I'm in first class.
• Just because I s.s.stutter, doesn't mean that I'm wrong. If we're a team, we should make decisions as a team!
• I killed a man once. Smashed his skull on a pier. Just so ya know.
• Find a place on that bloody wall and focus on that spot. Then whip your head 'round and come back to that spot. Prepare!

Last issue's quotations were:

• Go ahead and sleep on the power couch. Your training begins tomorrow, at the crack of noon.
  -- Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny [2006]
• Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung fu skills were the stuff of legend.
  -- Kung Fu Panda [2008]
• Protect the rabbits! Protect the rabbits!
  -- Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow [2004]
• Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.
  -- Austin Powers in Goldmember [2002]
• We've come here to pay our respects to Great Aunt Nellie. She brought us up properly and taught us loyalty. Now I want you to remember that during these next few days. I also want you to remember that if you don't come back with the goods, Nellie here will turn in her grave, and, likely as not, jump right out of it and kick your teeth in.
  -- The Italian Job [1969]

WEIRD WORLD NEWS

Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...

FORE! I MEAN ... FIRE! A golfer who was trying to hit a ball out of the rough scraped his club across the top of a rock, creating sparks that set off a wildfire. Twelve acres of woodland by the Shady Canyon golf course in Irvine, southern California, were burned before 150 firefighters managed to stop the blaze. The golfer (name withheld) will not face charges.

IT WAS NAUGHTY BEAR! A group of Algerian hackers broke into what they believed was the website of Belvoir Fortress in Israel, replacing pictures of the building with the Algerian flag and a message, in Arabic, reading "The cause of this hack is Israel's presence. [..] Internet law does not protect the ignorant. Thank you to all the pirates of Algeria." Sadly for them, the site did not belong to Belvoir Fortress; it was not even Israeli, but belonged to Belvoir Castle in Leicestershire, England, best known for hosting a major annual soft toy event. A spokeswoman commented "We've nothing to do with the Middle East. I just help to organise the teddy bears' picnic."

LITTLE DAVE HAS HIS PASSPORT AT THE READY! German Ulrike Bohmler has set up a thriving career in tourism. He is paid to take customers' teddy bears on holiday and photograph them in front of famous landmarks as a record of their travels. "[..] although people might laugh at it, a lot of people genuinely love their teddy bears and want the best for them," Bohmler told reporters. [For the record, Little Dave and his passport have been to New York and London.]

THAT'S HOT! A British woman on a Ryanair flight from Liverpool to Poznan, Poland, caused the plane to divert and make an emergency landing in Bremen, Germany, after spilling her cup of hot tea on herself. The plane resumed its journey without her while she was treated for scalding before later taking a train to Poznan.

VUVUZELAS SILENCED! UEFA, the governing body for European soccer has ruled that Vuvuzelas, the plastic horns made famous during the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, will be banned from stadia for European competitions including the Champions' League, Euro 2012 qualifiers and Europa League as football has a "two-way exchange of emotions between the pitch and the stands [...]" which the constant drone of vuvuzelas would drown out.

ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS

BBC recommissions Sherlock and Luther, producing adaptation of Sebastian Faulks' Birdsong and M.R. James' Oh, Whistle and I'll Come To You. Next season of Doctor Who to be broadcast in two runs, starting Spring and Autumn. Graham Norton chat show moving to Friday slot vacated by Jonathan Ross. BBC fails to get injunction blocking Top Gear's Stig book; viewers anticipate 'death' of White Stig. Apple launching music-based social network called Ping, so-so range of new iPods. Sony launching music/video download service for PS3/Bravia/Blu-Ray/Sony PCs to rival iTunes. J.K. Rowling donates £10m to University of Edinburgh to set up clinic to study degenerative neurological conditions. Waterstones bookshop chain reports Tony Blair's memoirs A Journey is the fastest-selling autobiography in history (We prefer the letter to The Telegraph newspaper saying it would be better to wait for the German translation, titled more appropriately Eine Fahrt). Long-running British TV soap Coronation Street to broadcast live episode to mark 50th anniversary. Royal Shakespeare and Swan theatres in Stratford-upon-Avon to reopen for preview performances in November after four-year redevelopment. Glastonbury 2011 tickets going on sale 9am Sunday 3 October - at £195 + booking fee + postage. Keanu Reeves in talks for Bill & Ted 3. Harvey Keitel rumoured to be taking over from Steve Carell in US version of The Office. Guns N'Roses turn up hour late for Dublin gig, pelted off stage by hail of bottles. Letterman blackmailer released from jail. Bob Dylan artworks on show in Denmark. Emmy winners include: Mad Men, Modern Family, The Pacific, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad), Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer), Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie), Al Pacino (You Don't Know Jack), Claire Danes (Temple Grandin). Obits: photographer Corinne Day (48), actress Victoria Longley (49), musician Néstor Zavarce (63), filmmaker Alain Corneau (67), actor James Deuter (71), actress Cammie King (76).

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

It may be the smallest room, but it still deserves a site of its own - yes, this week's site celebrates everything mechanically flushable; it's the Toilet Museum!

http://www.toiletmuseum.com/

THE AMAZING NOT-QUITE-RANDOM LOTTERY PREDICTOR!

Madame Jennifer, our in-house psychic predicts the following numbers will be lucky:

6, 11, 19, 26, 33, 41

AND FINALLY...

   A driver had driven his car into a ditch. Fortunately he was near a farm, and was able to walk to the farmhouse and ask for help. The farmer apologised and explained that his tractor was off being serviced but he had a horse that could pull the car out. The driver went back to his car and waited.

   After a while the farmer appeared, leading an old horse which he hitched up to the car. "Come on, Eddie, pull!" the farmer exclaimed. The horse didn't move.

   "Come on, Buster! Pull!" The horse didn't move.

   "Come on, Trojan! Pull!" The horse pulled the car out of the ditch without any apparent difficulty.

   The driver was curious about this, and, after thanking him, couldn't resist asking the farmer why he had called his horse by three different names.

   The farmer grinned. "Old Trojan here is blind, and wouldn't have tried pulling your car out if he knew he was the only horse here."