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Issue #414 - 17 February 2017
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Friday 17 February - Roman emperor Jovian died, 364. Francis, Duke of Guise born, 1519. The last day of February in Sweden, which moved to the Gregorian calendar and March 1, the next day, 1621. Playwright Molière died, 1673. Explorer Nicolas Baudin born, 1754. The founding of the International Committee for Relief to the Wounded, now known as the International Committee of the Red Cross, 1863. Writer Andre Norton born, 1912. The Ranger 8 probe launched on a mission to photograph the Mare Tranquillitatis in preparation for the manned Apollo missions to the Moon, 1965. Actor Richard Briers died, 2013. Saturday 18 February - Mongol emperor Kublai Khan died, 1294. Queen Mary I of England born, 1516. Sculptor and artist Michelangelo died, 1564. A Spanish fleet captured or destroyed 20 ships of a 44-vessel Anglo-Dutch merchant convoy off the coast of Cornwall, in the Eighty Years' War, 1637. Alessandro Volta, inventor of the battery, born, 1745. Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn was published, 1885. Racing driver and company founder Enzo Ferrari born, 1898. Clyde Tombaugh discovered Pluto, 1930. Musician Kevin Ayers died, 2013. Sunday 19 February - The most violent eruption in the recorded history of South America occurred as Peruvian stratovolcano Huaynaputina erupted, 1600. Composer Orazio Vecchi died, 1605. Physician Friedrich Hoffman born, 1660. Poet Elizabeth Carter died, 1806. The first rescuers reached the Donner Party, 1847. Artist Gabriele Münter born, 1877. The BBC soap opera Eastenders debuted, 1985. Soccer player Marta born, 1986. Author Harper Lee died, 2016. Wife's Day (Konudagur) in Iceland. Monday 20 February - Eleanor of Aragon born, 1358. Orkney and Shetland were pawned to Scotland by Norway, in lieu of a dowry for Margaret of Denmark, 1472. Composer John Dowland died, 1626. Benjamin Waugh, founder of the NSPCC, born, 1839. The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City opened, 1872. Abolitionist Frederick Douglass died, 1895. Writer Richard Matheson born, 1926. The Emergency Broadcast System in the United States was accidentally activated, 1971. Film critic Gene Siskel died, 1999. World Day of Social Justice. Tuesday 21 February - Philosopher Baruch Spinoza died, 1677. Francis Ronalds, inventor of the electric telegraph, born, 1788. 1,400 French soldiers carried out the last military invasion of Britain, at Fishguard; they were defeated by 500 reservists and surrendered two days later, 1797. The Washington Monument in Washington, DC, was dedicated, 1885. Poet W.H. Auden born, 1907. Runner Eric Liddle died, 1945. Gerald Holtom designed the CND logo, aka the peace symbol (☮), 1958. Astronauts Mark and Scott Kelly born, 1964. Actor John Thaw died, 2002. International Mother Language Day. Wednesday 22 February - Explorer Amerigo Vespucci died, 1512. Galileo's Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems was published, 1632. George Washington, first President of the United States, born, 1732. The Adams-Onis Treaty came into effect, with the United States buying Florida from Spain, 1819. Robert Baden-Powell, 1st Baron Baden-Powell, co-founder of The Scout Association, born, 1857. Tightrope walker Charles Blondin died, 1897. Singer-songwriter James Blunt born, 1974. Moose Murders opened, and closed, on Broadway, become the standard against which flops are judged, 1983. Actress Simone Simon died, 2005. Thursday 23 February - Diarist Samuel Pepys born, 1633. Artist Joshua Reynolds died, 1792. The Battle of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas, 1836. Hotelier César Ritz born, 1850. The United States leased Guantánamo Bay from Cuba, 1903. Soprano Nellie Melba died, 1931. Actress Majel Barrett born, 1932. The first mass vaccination of children with the Salk vaccine to combat polio started in Pittsburgh, 1954. Veterinarian and writer James Herriot died, 1995.
This week, Douglas Adams, on how to leave the planet:
- Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.
- If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
- If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least, none they speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.
- If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
- If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.
A mixed bag of quotations from films with a common actor or actress. Answers next issue or from the regular address.Last issue's quotations were all from films starring Amy Adams:
- You could always get the truth from Tommy. That was one of his major weaknesses. He never told lies, he never took drugs, and he never cheated on anyone.
- - Why are you such a pain to be with?
- Because you tied me to a chair all night.- You can't stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting.
- Now more than ever we need the Jedi.
- My mother and I have come to an understanding. We've agreed not to understand each other.
- I don't want your water breaking. We just had the upholstery cleaned.
-- Junebug [2005]- - Remember, when you go out not to put too much makeup otherwise the boys will get the wrong idea and you know how they are... They're only after one thing.
- What's that?
- I don't know. Nobody will tell me.
-- Enchanted [2007]- - The Tuskegee Airmen are headed down the runway!
- Would you stop narrating everything we do? Just live in the moment!
- The Tuskegee Airmen are living in the moment!
-- Night at the Museum 2 [2009]- No drums! No drums! Jack Black said no drums!
-- The Muppets [2011]- - You're psychotic.
- That is a three syllable word for any thought too big for little minds.
-- Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice [2016]
Strange stories from around the world, some of which might be true...
TAXI! Ride-hailing company Uber is no stranger to lawsuits over its business practices but now a French businessman is suing them for revealing his extramarital affair to his wife. He had used her iPhone to arrange a ride to see his mistress, and had logged out of the app, but Uber continued to send notifications to the phone, revealing his travel history and arousing his wife's suspicions. His lawyer claimed that "my client was a victim of a bug in the application [that] has caused him problems in his private life." The couple are now divorced. An investigation by Le Figaro found that when a user logged into and out of Uber on one iPhone then logged into the app on another phone and ordered a ride, notifications were still sent to both phones. The bug, since fixed, did not occur on Android devices.
HOT! Last year Samsung had to withdraw its flagship Galaxy Note 7 phablet after reports of them spontaneously catching fire. An investigation by Samsung found that the combustion was due to a fault in the manufacturing process of the batteries. Last week Samsung's SDI factory in Wuqing, China, one of the plants where the batteries had been made, went up in smoke, requiring 19 fire engines and over 100 firefighters to put out the fire. There were no injuries, and the production line areas were unaffected as the fire started in an area used for storage of defective and waste batteries, but environmental protection workers were called on-site to monitor any air pollution as the site is in the middle of a populated suburban area.
TAXI! (AGAIN)! Last Friday traffic police in Bournemouth, Dorset stopped a taxi for speeding having followed him for quite some time. The driver admitted that he was speeding, and claimed that he had not seen the large marked police car with its flashing lights in his mirror, but it was his excuse for speeding that, er, blew them away. He told the officers that his three passengers had been farting so badly that he wanted to hurry up and get the journey over with to get them out of his car.
YES, SOMETHING ODD HAPPENED IN THE US THAT DID NOT DIRECTLY INVOLVE LORD DAMPNUT*... At the Fed Cup tennis match between the US and Germany in Hawaii last Saturday, rather than just playing the orchestral versions of the national anthems, the United States Tennis Association (USTA) arranged for them to be sung live. Unfortunately the male soloist who sang the German anthem began with the first verse ("Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles..."), which, although written in 1841, over a century before World War II, is so closely associated with the Nazi regime that modern performances usually start at verse three. The USTA issued an apology, and promised that the correct verse would be sung for the rest of the tie. [* Anagram by Colin Mochrie]
WAAAAAAAA! Small screaming children are often seen as the bane of amusement park goers, but Chessington World of Adventures in Surrey placed an advert calling for 'demanding' pre-schoolers to test its new Gruffalo River Ride, based on the books by Julia Donaldson, illustrated by Axel Scheffler. Within an hour of the online ad - which said that "successful nippers" must be (amongst other things) "temperamental", "unable to filter comments", "curious and into everything", "passionate about small spaces" and "have plenty of time and grime on their hands" - going live over 100 applications had been received, from parents who thought their children could test the attraction "to the limit".
IN BRIEF: Dominican Republic illustrates article on US/Israeli relations with pictures of Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Alec Baldwin, impersonating Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live. French Bulldogs overtake Labradors as most popular dog breed in UK. Nokia rumoured to be bringing back iconic 3310 mobile phone for people who do not want a smartphone. Long-lost unpublished essay on the possibility of alien life written by Winston Churchill unearthed in US. Conspiracy theorists claim that newly-released CIA documents include 1984 transcript of psychic accurately describing surface of Mars, including the presence of a giant pyramid. Australian company launches Kickstarter campaign to fund production of coat that can carry up to 15kg (33lb) of luggage ("two laptops, an iPad, two pairs of shoes, a pair of jeans, five T-shirts, a jumper and a camera") in deep pockets to circumvent airline baggage charges. Cinema usher finds cucumber left under seat after screening of Fifty Shades Darker. 27-year-old becomes youngest person and first woman to have verifiably visited all 196 countries on Earth. Man who changed his name by deed poll to Mark 'I Love Spam' Benson to be married - in the world's only museum dedicated to the canned meat product. Statistically the people most likely to have become engaged this Valentine's Day were women called Sarah, Laura, Gemma or Emma [Jennifer was at #11] with partners called Christopher, James, David or Daniel. Woman claims to have given birth to goat [Well it's one up on Mary Toft, who claimed to have given birth to rabbits in 1726]. Stray cat takes up residence in Bristol Wilko store, gets own Facebook page.
Evel Knievel's star-spangled jumpsuit to be auctioned, estimated at $75,000 (£60,000). Sherlock tops poll to find favourite BBC character, ahead of Doctor Who, Luther, Basil Fawlty and The Stig. Bradley Wiggins quits The Jump with broken leg. Eurovision Song Contest thrown into chaos as 21-strong organising team quit after being blocked from decision making by new boss. Electronic music pioneer Delia Derbyshire's Papers and Sound Archive held at Manchester's John Rylands Library to be digitised. French Vogue to have first transgender cover model. Guns N' Roses guitar technician McBob starts introduction to audience at Melbourne gig by yelling "Hello, Sydney!", swift apology on social media follows. Philip Pullman announces follow-up trilogy to His Dark Materials, neither a prequel or a sequel but an "equel". Love, Actually cast reuniting for Comic Relief short sequel. MTV European Music Awards returning to London this year. Rumours swirling that Prue Leith will join returning judge Paul Hollywood when The Great British Bake Off reboots on Channel 4 later this year. Miranda Hart to make West End debut as Miss Hannigan in Annie. Niki Caro (Whale Rider) to direct live-action remake of Disney's Mulan. Ben Affleck reported as wanting to quit Batman franchise. Benedict Cumberbatch to star in BBC adaptation of Ian McEwan's The Child in Time. Mel Gibson in talks to direct Suicide Squad sequel. Jared Leto to direct Patty Hearst kidnapping thriller 77.
Baftas: Best film: La La Land; outstanding British film: I, Daniel Blake; best director: Damien Chazelle - La La Land; leading actress: Emma Stone - La La Land; leading actor: Casey Affleck - Manchester by the Sea; supporting actress: Viola Davis - Fences; supporting actor: Del Patel - Lion; original screenplay: Kenneth Lonergan - Manchester by the Sea; adapted screenplay: Luke Davis - Lion; outstanding debut by a British writer, director or producer: Babak Anvari (writer/director), Emily Leo, Oliver Roskill, Lucan Toh (producers) - Under the Shadow; best film not in the English language: Son of Saul; best documentary: 13th; best animated film: Kubo and the Two Strings; original music: La La Land; cinematography: Linus Sandgren - La La Land; editing: John Gilbert - Hacksaw Ridge; production design: Stuart Craig, Anna Pinnock - Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them; costume design: Madeline Fontaine - Jackie; make-up and hair: J. Roy Helland, Daniel Phillips - Florence Foster Jenkins; sound: Claude La Haye, Bernard Gariepy Strobl, Sylvain Bellemare - Arrival; special visual effects: Robert Legato, Dan Lemmon, Andrew R Jones, Adam Valdez - The Jungle Book; British short animation: Khaled Gad, Anushka Kishani Naanayakkara, Elena Ruscombe-King - A Love Story; British short film: Shpat Deba, Afolabi Kuti, Daniel Mulloy, Scott O'Donnell - Home; EE rising star: Tom Holland.
Grammys: Album of the year: Adele - 25 (and possibly Beyonce - Lemonade); record of the year: Adele - Hello; song of the year: Adele - Hello; best new artist: Chance the Rapper; best alternative album: David Bowie - Blackstar; best pop album: Adele - 25; best rap album: Chance the Rapper - Coloring Book; best pop solo performance: Adele - Hello; best pop duo/group performance: Twenty One Pilots - Stressed Out; best dance recording: The Chainsmokers Featuring Daya - Don't Let Me Down; best dance/electronic album: Flume - Skin; best rock performance: David Bowie - Blackstar; best metal performance: Megadeth - Dystopia; best rock song: David Bowie: Blackstar; best rock album: Cage the Elephant - Tell Me I'm Pretty; best alternative music album: David Bowie - Blackstar; best R&B performance: Solange - Cranes in the Sky; best urban contemporary album: Beyonce - Lemonade; best rap performance: Chance the Rapper Featuring Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz - No Problem; best rap/sung performance: Drake - Hotline Bling; best rap song: Drake - Hotline Bling; best country album: Sturgill Simpson - A Sailor's Guide to Earth; best musical theatre album: The Color Purple; best compilation soundtrack for visual media: Miles Davis & Various Artists - Miles Ahead; best score soundtrack for visual media: John Williams (composer) - Star Wars: The Force Awakens; best song written for visual media: Justin Timberlake - Can't Stop the Feeling!; best producer: Greg Kurstin; best music video: Beyonce - Formation; best music film: The Beatles: Eight Days a Week - The Touring Years.
Musican and son of Frank Sidebottom creator Chris Sievey, Harry Sievey (24), actress Sara Coward (The Archers, 69), manga artist Jiro Taniguchi (A Distant Neighborhood, The Walking Man, 69), R&B singer Al Jarreau (Moonlighting theme, 7 Grammy awards, 76), folk singer Tony Davis (The Spinners, 86), TV producer Bruce Lansbury (Murder She Wrote, Knight Rider, 87), game designer Loren Wiseman (GDW, GURPS Traveller, age not reported).
You might want to leave reading this one until tomorrow... it's The Washington Post on the real reasons you procrastinate - and how to stop.- https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/04/27/why-you-cant-help-read-this-article-about-procrastination-instead-of-doing-your-job/?utm_term=.a6385de6592d
^ DUMBLEDORE BEAR'S LOTTERY PREDICTOR!
Dumbledore Bear, our in-house psychic predicts that the following numbers will be lucky:2, 8, 9, 13, 18, 42[UK National Lottery, number range 1-59]
You can get your very own prediction at http://www.simonlamont.co.uk/tfir/dumbledore.htm.
Little Jennifer's maternal grandparents were visiting, and - much to Little Jennifer's mother's and grandmother's surprise - dinner had passed off without incident, and now they were all sitting in the lounge talking. Little Jennifer looked up from the book she was reading and said "Mummy, get me a glass of water."
Her grandmother was shocked. "Little Jennifer," she said, "where are your manners?"
Little Jennifer thought for a moment, then smiled. "Mummy, get me a glass of water and some manners!"
^ ...end of line